nimbusfool

Had an insane mushroom trip last night, I lost all sense of my gender identity. I was a woman but an ugly woman who was just a plaything for all the men in the room. I was bleeding, I could feel myself bleeding. I felt like I was bleeding out the whole time, from my writs. I feel like I was channeling a fat girl. At one point I had to ask my friend if I was male because I remember being male but I felt like this terrified little girl. The men were disgusting and every time they tried to help me it was just a ploy. I was an abused woman who had slit her wrists for I don't know how long. I can't believe I was ever mean to a woman or used one for some unattached enjoyment.

I also experienced what I thought could have been my death. All of the people in the room being different parts of my life and we were all collected in that room for eternity. The part I played was to be cursed with unending thirst, no matter how much water I could find it wouldn't sate my thirst and I kept spitting it out. It was intense and there was no way I could fight it, nowhere to run. I could just see the decay on everyone.

I have been doing tantra prolonged sex exercises and thinking/reading a lot about the divine feminine, the shakti force. I feel like I have a deeper connection with the feminine and the whore. I need to get my headspace fixed. I overreact to little things in my sexual relationships and it drives the women away. All of my female friends like me and think I'm a great guy but when I pass the "I love you" line with a girl I'm dating it brings up some fucked up neurosis. The moment I have my feelings at stake and something to lose I overreact where all the other times I would have just been relaxed and having fun, not caring about actions as much as continuing the relationship. I need to not be ruled by my first reaction and stop being such a petty little fuck. I really do throw tantrums like Stephanie said. I hurt someone I really care about because I am selfish and instead of being an independent person I began to become dependant upon them to make me happy. I realize now that that is the worst way to go and it only ends bad. I'm just sorry it took me so long to realize what you've been telling me all this time. It took probably the most insane mushroom trip I've ever had in my life to realize the mistakes I have been making.

You'll never know how sorry I am at this moment for the way things have been these last couple weeks, I feel like I've been gone the whole time and now I'm back. But coming back I have to accept where I got myself.

Gender roles, except for physical makeup are perceptual. I am not my reactions or my habits, those are interchangeable.