nilloh

My best friend Jon called me today. It was a nice surprise I haven't seen the man for about 8 months now. It was an interesting conversation, good and bad.

Good because well it's nice to hear from him everynow and then...bad because it got me thinking.

I guess things with Jon are going good, he's still working on his Theartre acting major (he's a damn good actor) He's basically engaged to this girl as well...which I foudn surprising...but what really got me is that he said he wanted me to be his Best Man...quite an honor (whenever the wedding happens).

Here is what got me though, I remember our last night together in Thailand before we left for college (we went back to thailand that summer but that is another story). We sat outside of my house near the pool just talking from 9pm til about 4am before he had to leave on his plane trip back to the states. It was probably the last time I cried. Things were changing...never again would the group of guys we hung out with be together completely maybe 5 or 6 here and there but never all of us. It was sad to think that after 4 years a lot of us would never ever see each other again. It was done the days of the group were dead....forever changed....4 years of great times and bad times...going clubbing, staying up all night talking about girls, getting arrested....all of it was closing. jon and I thought about it for a long time and at some point we decided to think whom would get married first....I said my friends Daum and Czerski would be the first..Jon agreed...anyways Jon said something to me as he was leaving he said " through good times and bad times you've stood at my side, and I can't thank you enough, even when we had our brief falling out you were there for me. Your the brother I've never had and always wanted. You the quaint-essential eye of the storm my friend, you will be one to envy and everyone (the group) knows it." With that we hugged and he left....I sat at the pol a bit longer taking in what Jon said....I soon realized that I was crying....See I can be very arrogant about myself I feel that I'm here to change the world....which is why I decided to do film at first..I felt taht through it's medium I could affect people quite easily......after two years of Film I said fuck it..I'm going to do what i should be doing, which is writing...it was a passion of mine, so I left film school. It's funny that at the age of 18 I though so highly of myself, I just graduated high school, whom was I to be so arrogant. Change was happening and I was fighting it on all fronts, the home, the girlfriend, the friends...each passing day I seemed to be losing a bit of everything.. Iwas becoming a hermit for the lack of a better term.

Anyways Through the group I was considered and still am to an extent to be the older brother I was everyones senior....I take care of them I experienced everything before them. I was a role model. I never flaunted it, it's interesting Czerski (very close friend of mine whom lived with me for a year in thailand) said this about me your the most arrogant, most caring, most modest person I know.......now all of those are conflicting.

Well to the call...after Jon told me that he wanted me as his best man I was thinking well shit....Jon's life is on track, he's doing well really well.........what the fuck am I doing? I'm lost for the first time in my life I've been lost. I don't know where I am going..my goal of changing the world maybe taking it over...see what made Jon and I such awesome friends so close was that we complemented each other.....we both our flaws, but what i lack Jon has and what he lacks he has....we were one perfect person split into two people. Jon knew how to keep me in check, how to make sure i understood....I did the same with Jon.

At the End of Highschool I had everything going for me, absolutely everything. I had great friends, I graduated with a 3.95 GPA, I had completed a good part of the IB program, I was the best student at my kung-fu Gym, I had a girlfriend whom I cared and loved, and vice versa. I was considered to be one of the best artist at my school, I was going to a highly regarded art school in the Fall, the world was mine.

Then it all fell apart in about 10 weeks. First to go were my friends I kept contact with Jon, Czerski, daum and Timmy, Kelley...5 out of 24 close friends. Next thing to go was Karen, next was the fact that my once athletic body from kung-fu turned int owhat is now a stick. My grades dropped and well I was surrounded by thousnads of artist whom were great. This continued for two years, until Jon came to Savannah to visit. Jon and I were drunk and tripping on Shrooms (god dam nthat was tons of fun) we were heading back to my place Timmy was Driving ( he was the DD) and Jon and I were in the very back of the car facing towards the back...we were talking like we always do and he said this to me " what happened to you? You've always been a tortured soul having more expectations for yourself then anyone else I know...not your a broken man....are you happy?" I laughsed and said no I'm not happy Jon said then change what makes you unhappy I miss the old Chris. The next day I did I left SCAD, I was gonna do what i loved what my passion was, writing.

So now I bring you to why I have been thinking....All of my frineds are doing great they are happy...everyone grew up after college....I never did I still wanted to be in thailand. I wanted things to be how they were, I was afraid of change. Whe njon said he wanted me to be his best man I was scared and happy great t othink he's doing so well scared because these last years have been nothing but a complete fucking waste.

But no more...I thought....I'm going to become the old Chris I was, become the man whom was respected and had respect for himself..no more of this self pity over the loss of Karen the ex....no more thinking of what it would be like if all of us were together...taht chapter is done in my life...it's time to awaken and do what i do best...be myself.