nihly

Dear SG Buddies:

So, I was cleaning out my email and funny how things should hang around. I found some stuff randomly tucked away in my "sent" section, I do not know why, because I had deleted them. I didn't want to keep this because it picked at me so badly, that nasty email cig's now ex-gf sent me after an innocent msg on msn at 6 o'clock Sunday evening. Why he would answer that in bed with his gf, god knows. Dumb of him. Even stupider of her, as you can read. She seems absolutely convinced I want cigs so so bad. Right.

I thought of deleting it. Then I thought "no way". Because the funny thing is HER comments don't bother me at all anymore. She was angry, whatever. But whenever he msgs me or talks to me again, or whenever I get the urge to call him, I can read this. It serves as a reminder of why I should never ever talk to him, since he obviously betrayed me in ways that only re-victimized me, with showing that private video around on his phone. And he swore he never told anyone, or his girlfriend, about my illness. But he clearly did, to save his butt on more than one occaision, I am sure. He really is the gutless one.

I must admit, when I was really out of it I did some stupid things, yes. But I am not there any longer, in that place. I had no self-respect and I truly thought I wouldn't live long anyways, so I did some pretty self-destructive things. But now I would never do those things, or ever go back to that. And the funniest thing of all is Cigs never would have had a chance with me if he didn't catch me just at that point in my life where I stopped caring about myself, when my standards were rather low

Here's the correspondence if you have the interest. Names are change and in "" Except Rob's because you all know him. He's the best. I love him so much. He has been so great, patient, and supportive. I would never trade that for Cigs, any day.


From: "Angry Girlfriend"
To: "Mr. Cigs"
CC: "NiHLY"
Subject: cigs...
Date: Mon, 4 Feb 2008 03:08:24


"cigs":

I am aware that during the past few months you and I have had an amazing time... and we have also had some drama... I fully take responsibility for my part in this...

I had hoped with our talks the last few weeks that we had sort of come to a 'full disclosure' relationship. I know that me going to 110 was wrong and a violation of that. However I do feel that I have gone out of my way since then to make our relationship more secure, reassure you and make positive changes for our relationship. Much as you have done. We have even gone as far to exchange msn, hotmail and facebook passwords. And have openly said that the other person is free to look because there isn't anything to see.

On the whole I feel like we have both worked hard for a relationship that means a lot to both of us. I think that we both want the same future but more then that I feel that we both want the same now....

Or that WAS what I thought...
You were very clear about me cutting off contact with "some guy", you don't like me seeing or talking to "some other guy" or "another guy"... Not to mention "yet another guy". When you didn't believe me about "yet another guy" you actually tracked down his number and called him to get his version of our relationship. What you got was the truth. We are friends. Always have been and always will be. "Yet another guy" has always been there for me no matter what has gone on in my life.

But when you asked me to stop talking with him because it bothered you I willingly complied. I have not contacted him.

However, there was one thing I have asked you to do in turn. Stop talking to "NiHLY". Stop talking to her. The end. This includes facebook msn, text, in person, over the phone, no passing notes in study hall or having your friend ask her friend if she's still interested. NOTHING. for a very intelligent man you have not yet grasped the concept of this yet.

Let's recap.

She called you around Halloween asking you to come meet her. (I guess I should have seen the truth then). Since that time, I walked in with "cig's sister's" Christmas gifts and she was messaging with you. You told me she called you last week (?) or recently anyways. And now tonight... as *I* lay in YOUR bed, she messages you? Are you kidding me? And these are just the times that I am aware of because I happened to be there.

So you wonder why I have a few trust issues?

I have told you how uncomfortable I am with her in general (more on that later). You have told me repeatedly that you don't talk to her and that you have told her you can't talk to her anymore because its not good for our relationship.

I don't see any evidence of you ever actually doing this.

She calls you crying. You who claim 'tears do nothing' 'they have no effect on me' 'I just shut down when a girl starts to cry' 'its bullshit'. Yet "NiHLY" calls crying and you do nothing but keep talking to her. I don't really care if she has issues as you claim. If she needs to talk to someone she should call her boyfriend (NOT MINE), her friends (you are not one of them) or her doctor (which you are not).

If she loves you so much and wants to be with you then she should get a degree in something that doesn't involve finger painting, take out her piercings, buy some pearls and figure out what fork to use when your parents spring dinner on her with your dads international peers. Oh. And get a REALLY good plan for making your mom think she is more then a space cadet... isn't that what "cig's mom" called her?

Realistically she is not me. And she never will be. She never has been nor ever will be what you need. I am. And you love me for it. But, I am not tenth grade "other girlfriend cigs royally screwed over". I will not just turn a blind eye to your behaviour. We are adults and this behaviour is not acceptable.

So what brought this on????? Well its not such a stretch...

After "NiHLY" messaged you today it got some wheels turning. Let me remind you of the things you have said about her recently. You told me she is crazy, you don't care about her and you don't talk to her.

When I got home I checked your hotmail. I am not proud of it. But I did it. And it looks to me that I did it with good reason. Well we both know what they say about snooping... you never find anything you want to find. And I didn't. I have cut and pasted this to refresh your memory:

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Date: Fri, 11 Jan 2008 01:14:07
To: "Cigs"
From: notification@facebookmail.com
Subject: "NiHLY" sent you a message on Facebook...
NiLHY sent you a message.

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Subject: hi

does your girlfriend have access to this?

cuz i don't know if i can keep my "promise" to her to not speak to you. i still want to try n' be friends. just have to be sneakier about it. i know you can be.

it was shitty that happened right before i left. i'm sorry if i caused drama, i wanted to chill before i went.

but i'll be around campus again now, cuz i'm back at school. it would be cool if we could hang out. if you call during the day maybe it'll be safer?

i dunno. all i know is i know we can't ever have what we had again and it's over but i still think about you and miss the "cigs" in my life.

i'll ttyl!

ps: NZ was great and very wallabee-free. kiwis, doll, kiwis.
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From: "Cigs"
To: "NiHLY's email"
Subject: Hey whats up... I'm Glad you had a good time. I don't care if she doesn't like me talking to you.
Date: Fri, 11 Jan 2008


Hey, What's up? I'm glad you had a good time. I'm sure it was amazing. Yeah, I'd love to hang out, I miss you too. You didn't cause any drama don't worry. Anyways I'm glad you had such a good time.

Sincerely "Cigs"

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What exactly am I supposed to think about this? What spin are you going to put on this to make me want to believe you. I don't blame her I can fully understand her emailing that to you. I mean it's kinda gutless. But it's to be expected from someone like her. Kinda of white trash to try to steal someone's boyfriend, especially when I have actually talked with her myself on two separate occasions asking her nicely to GO AWAY. You are fabulous. Way out of her league. And although she didn't get your best, I can see that she would miss you and want to try to hold onto you. It's your actions and your response that makes me want to vomit.

You don't care?????!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Oh you don't???? Well. That really says it all doesn't it.

You'd love to hang out????????????!?!?!!!!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?

Well I have a sneaking suspicion that day may come quicker than you thought. Or have you been sneaky already. Apparently "NiHLY" and I can both agree that you ARE sneaky.

You miss her???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????What the fuck?

BOTTOM LINE: I DON'T TRUST YOU NOW.

I guess I was dumb to have done so in the first place.

So where does this leave me? You? Us?

I said I would revisit why "NiHLY" makes me uncomfortable...

I know you love me. I know I am everything you say you want for the future. Perfect trophy wife (( I can't believe she actually said this. the pearls comment was funny enough, but seriously. is that your aim in life? come on now. My best friend and I used to make fun of cigs in highschool, when i never thought I'd ever go out with him. Our future outlook on him was: short fat balding with a trophy wife, a couple girlfriends on the side and a large brood of boys running around. I guess she shares this vision too)), cleans, cooks, looks the part, smiles thru all the shit, drives while you drink, and would never throw a fit in public. To beat ALL of it...wants a marriage and kids and to support you. Best of all loves you to death. I know that this is what you want... IN THE FUTURE.

I asked you a few weeks ago why you are dating me. You made it very clear its cause you love me and I drive you crazy and make you happy. You have never felt this way about anyone before. There has been something between us since 9th grade. You also told me its because you know I will be a great mom for your kids. I reminded you that you don't want kids for a few years. At least until after the move to "wherever" right? Why not just date me closer to that time. We have never lost touch. I doubt we ever would have. Your answer was that you thought someone would snatch me up between now and then and you didn't want to risk that happening. But that really isn't a reason to date someone now.

"NiHLY" turns you on. She's dirty. She does anything you want. She has to or you would find someone else. Whatever you want whenever you want her to and you can boss her around. Hell you have a video of her masturbating on your phone. A video ALL your guy friends have seen. A video *I* have seen. It's kinda a joke around your group of guy friends. I mean you can never actually call this broad your girlfriend. lol. You didn't the first time around. Why would you ever start?

You have claimed again and again that SEX WAS ALL IT WAS. You used her when you wanted her and ignored her when you didn't. I guess in the end it has been worth more then that tho. right? It had to be. Because you were willing to throw us away over it. Did you really think you wouldn't get caught??

What am I supposed to think now? How am I supposed to act? What should I do now?

To be honest... I have no idea

This whole thing just makes me sad. Sad and angry.

Sorry its so long. You know I always have a lot to say.


A


PS: I have "NiLHY's" email address. I have copied her this email. (NiHLY I am sure this has made you happy)
she may as well know what I think as well.
I have also contacted Rob (her boyfriend)


MY EXTREMELY RESTRAINED RESPONSE to "ANGRY GIRLFRIEND:

Rob is actually aware of all of that, because I tell him, if you are cutting and pasting this message. Because I do have full disclosure with him.

And I know about the video on the phone and how he showed it to everyone, because it obviously got back to me. He probably has other stuff other places, who knows. That was done in trust for him at the time. Just like you, I trusted "Cigs". And yeah, look what happened?

Your opinions of me don't matter. And neither do your boyfriend's. Because I know them all already. But if you want to be angry at me, your anger is misdirected.

It lay on his shoulders to discontinue talking with me, because it is something you discussed and agreed upon, as you said. You did it, he didn't. "Cigs" lies.

Be angry at me if you want, but I am not a boyfriend stealer as I do not want yours, and I am not the one who has caused this. He could have refused phone calls, deleted my contacts, etc.

I love the boyfriend I have now. I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. I don't want to "do" anything with "Cigs" other than to be friends. And if that was off limits, then it was his job to uphold that for your relationship. I'm sorry he didn't.

You should wonder why, if he gave you all his passwords to everything, he left those emails sitting in his hotmail account at all, for you to find.

All those points of contact you illuminated between he and I are pretty much it. Nothing has happened or will ever concerning me that would jeopardize your relationship, unless you choose it to do so. Meaning he didn't cheat or make moves. He does love you, you are right for each other.

Goodluck with things.


From: "Angry Girlfirend"
To: "NiHLY's email"
CC: "Cigs"
Subject: RE: "cigs"...
Date: Mon, 4 Feb 2008

LATER THAT DAY AFTER SHE FOUND OUT CIGS HAS CANCER AND SHE WENT INTO HIS ACCOUNT AND DELETED HIS VERSION OF THAT EMAIL:

If I in anyway came across as angry at YOU that was not my intention. That email was very clearly directed at "Cigs" who I am upset with. Clearly. (( yes clearly none of that copied message was a jab at me ever, in any way))

I didn't email anything to Rob. I didn't facebook him either...

for the record, not that it matters now, but you don't continually lie to someone you love and then look them in the face and tell them you love them. That's why I am angry.

I only copied you in the email because I figured you would find out anyway.

it's funny how you and I can see I am right for him but he couldn't figure it out in time.

cheers....

A


Crazy bitch. He broke up with her right after I re-sent this email to him. Because it had mysteriously disappered. Yeah I have missed Cigs and our convos, and my msgs really don't look good. But he has never been trustworthy. And funny he should say that she drives him crazy. He tells me that ALL THE TIME. Still. And I don't care. He called her a space cadet too, right after all this. He throws that phrase around far too often. They were meant for each other. They're both lame as can be.

so I hope you enjoyed that drama. it caught me at a very bad, suicidal time so I wasn't feeling so great about it.

CHEERS TO YOU ALL!!!

NiHLY