nihly

I never really thought I would ever say this...

but I miss manic Nihly. she may have been fucked up, but there was a sort of comfort in that confusion. and it didn't really matter how people viewed me, or my actions, because i was so spacey i didn't even notice hahaha I wrote more and i got more done creatively, and i fucked liked crazy. now my libido is somewhere out in limbo and i am filled with self-doubt. i feel like i am never getting anything done. everything takes sooo long! I feel like I am floudering the same as before, only with a lot less fun involved. I never thought I would be one of those BPs that looked back and missed it. weird, weird.

I am working away at what seems like a snail's pace on my projects. I want to get the gym in order this week to start getting back. i am lonely for friends i don't even have, and I have some unexplained sharp pain in my pelvic region to investigate, along with some more last minute uni applications, and cleaning my room. I am a pack rat for images and lyrics, quotes, poetry, so random pieces of paper get shoved around in piles quite often. I have more recent pics to post but i don't know when I will get around to it. My sex life sucks ass. I am trying really hard to pull myself out of this slump but it is alot of work, and i will end up back here again, eventually, as this disease goes...blah.

I miss my mania.

like, going through my stuff I found this randomly:

You and I
we change...
and go back
swinging from one end
to another start
But me, I'm like that
A pendulum
Vicilating
back and forth
Forth and back
times that are good
to times that are bad
forever the question
of which side will
hold fast

pendulum, right? going back and forth from mania to depression. oh, i spelt out the imagery for you. hehe. anyways. i don't even remember writing that but cool, go me.

NIHLY