nihly

What has nihly been up to now?

Well being bashed in the head has limited my activities... mostly hiding out in the basement catching up on my TMN on Demand. HBO specials, specifically.

Flight of the Conchords? Anyone hooked? I know some of your are I've got my dad and Rob hooked, and I will probably make a CD of their songs, but it's just not the same without the visual. Loves them. Also been watching a new series, John from Cincinnatti. It's...quirky...lol. And I've been watching the second season of Big Love, about a polygimist family living in the 'burbs. Yup. I watched the first season of that already, and the other two are new...and good. But Conchords is the best by far that HBO is carrying at the moment. In case you wanted to know...but can't watch TV too long because, apart from making me immensly stir crazy...it hurts my head. Sighs.

Can't read or look at things too long, or concentrate on something too hard...

Hung out poolside yesterday to catch up my tan, and that hurts my head, as well. Wore my contacts to avoid unsightly sunglass tanlines, and that resulted in my not being able to see right, still, today. I get extremely dry eyes with them, and cannot wear them for too long. And today, especially, was torture because I had to go to the optometrist to test out my sight (routine) and they put the damn drops in that dialate your pupils for hours. It was so sunny today and my kind mother decided to run errands after and take forever.

So back down to the basement with a headache because of the sun, again. Ow. Dammit. I have been sleeping down there as of late because a) it's cooler than upstairs b) my room is too messy and I have given up on folding my damn clothes, of which I have too many, and c) it's good to try different places to sleep when you are an insomniac tryin to quit your sleeping pills. Oh my pills, how I shall miss you. But I have been doing so good sleeping without. Well, considering. I average about 5 hours a night, supplemented with naps during the afternoon. I don't care what they say about naps, they're awesome. And when avoiding MY bedroom and not sleeping in the basement, I have sleepovers.

I have to quit my boys. Some of them, all of them. I don't know how, I don't know which. No I do know some of the ones I should...I don't know when. I don't really know what I am doing anymore but it is obviously not making me feel good. My therapist says, well I can break it down into what she says and what they all mean...

ROB: is a big boy and decides to stay in things with me and if he gets hurt, well, he let himself cuz I've told it to him straight from the start and really I haven't changed my story, that I'm a messy girl to be with and cannot be manogomous right now. He can play out his Nihly as his "wifey" fantasy all he wants, but really he knows I'm only out on loan. Every person (guy) I see, I have learned what they can be for me, what I can get out of them, what they can handle of me. I know that sounds shitty, but it is partly self protective and partly...I don't know...Rob takes on alot of my problems, he wants to know everything. So I let him. He's a very important part of my support system right now. I still don't think he's right for me, but I like being with him. I am not sure if by letting him be so invovled, I'm leading him on. But it is his decision. He decides to stick around. He accepts me as I am, since before I opened my mouth to speak, he accepted me, so no worries.

JON: I know him too well anymore to let him really bother me, so it's no longer considered an abusive relationship. So whatever I want to do with him, fine. (He's barely in the picture, anyways). Jon's role in my life is largely to just take me away when things are shit, he just gets me out and away and I can bitch, but only for a short time. He tires of it easily, snaps out of the "misses me enough to be sympathetic" mode, and goes back to pure narcassist. There's no judgement I can't handle from him anymore, and nothing I need to hold back from him because I'm worried I might "hurt his feelings" because he likes to pretend he has none. So I pretend to and dish away. We fuck like rabbits sometimes, and sometimes we fuck like we love each other. I don't think either of us can decide if it's love or lust. I don't mind Jon cuz he's as messed up as I am. So he accepts me now as I am, and I don't worry.

PAUL: Neither of us trusts. He lies. He manipulates. I don't get anything equal out of it. I have to lie to cover up the fact that I'm seeing him illegitimately. I have to manipulate to get the people around me to lie for me so that Rob doesn't find out so Rob doesn't get hurt, even though I can "do what I want". So we discussed Wednesday maybe turning it into a friendship, but things may be truely finished between he and his ex, which won't make him want to behave and just be friends and I may have to just stop seeing him entirely. I have been better lately with leaving instead of sleeping over and trying to encourage him to get to know me in other, no sexually related ways, but I dunno. I don't feel like being his lil' sugar mamma and I don't really, ultimately, need Paul. If he's going to be the way he is, then he is not adding much to my life, he is just stressing me out, my behaviours/actions that result out of my seeing him have pretty bad consequences... I don't know where he stands as far as accepting me, he serves and a physical escape from my environment, where Jon and Rob are physical and mental. He lives in the country. It's nice. I use him, and he uses me, I suspect, is what our relationship boils down to. Nice, eh?

MARK: I think I need to stop talking to Mark, as sad as this makes me. My biggest problem, the core to all of my problems, I my need for acceptances. It goes beyond, it is stronger, than all of the instincts that have kicked in, and will kick in, past, present, future, that told me when situations were not right, where I could get hurt, when my body told me, where my mind told me to run. And I didn't. I took whatever was dealt to me to get some form of acceptance. All these stupid guys that parade through my life, they get there because I do not feel like many females want to know me, because of past things...So guys accept me? But I think somewhere along the line I got it in my head, well I guess when I just go into depressive mode too, that they just want me sexually. And if I'm in that stae of mind, and acceptance sexually is all I can get, then that's what they get.

Mark. He doesn't understand me or the way I act or my fucked up (or not fucked up, depending on your perspective) sense of sexuality. Because he doesnt have the experience. Because he doesn't have the background context. Because he doesn't want to listen to or have the patience to sit through the explanation of Nihly's history. Because he wasn't "raised that way" (well, neither was I). Because it actually upsets him to hear that guys treat me this way, and at the heart of it, I treat myself this way...

Mark represents everything good that I wish I could be. He has "normal" managomous relationships. He has traditional values. Get to know the parents. Don't sleepover in the girl's house out of respect. Pay for the female. Open her doors. Spend time with her, the right amount fo time and energy. But he can't invest the time and energy right now. And everytime something small happens it feels like the worst rejection (opposite of acceptance). That I am too negative. That I'm too at ease with being naked. That I move too quick. That...whatever it is. I'm not right in some way in his eyes, when he is the right that I am trying to achieve. Or wish I could be. Go out with friends, be relaxed, don't stress, drive all over the place, travel all over the place...All the things I'm unable to do right now because I'm dealing with the cards that I was dealt, and the cards I played...And so his "rejection" makes me turn around and look for acceptance elsewhere in the wrong places from the wrong people. Everything about him makes me sad cuz I am not there yet, and I may never be, because his ideals may not be my ideals, in the end. And if I'm expected to be at that level of ideals when it is unachievable, if I am set up to fail, can you see how I feel like shit constantly?

So I am told I may just have to stop talking to him entirely. For now, at least. Maybe forever. Who knows. But you teach people how to treat you, and you associate with those you think you deserve. Right now, I think I deserve only assholes, because I feel like crap all the time. And like I am worthless. It's a cycle. So the good guys either upset me, or I keep at bay, the bad guys get to stay. And if I don't make changes, I never get better...Handjobs for hugs is what I termed it in my mind, after one guy in particular. All I wanted was to not have to sleep alone at night, so I did things to pleasure him, to just ge to sleep in his bed. So neither of us had to be alone. Because we all hurt sometimes, but I can't deal with it...

My challenge is to find acceptance through non sexual means. To keep a diary of when people show acceptance of me without anything sexual going on. Like the other day, my dad said he loved me unconditionally. That gets written down. So yes, I hang out with some brutal guys. But it's partly my fault, because I don't ask for more of myself, or for more for myself. Deep down, the real Nihly would just like no guys and no sex in the pciture right now, and all these guys who either have crushes or who she is seeing, to just accept her and chill with her without a girl having to drop her panties. Or be a pretend "wifey"

I hope to never have daughters. because I don't know how I ended up here.

Love,

NIHLY