nihly

i am trying to be closer with the people i love, but i still don't want them hurting over my hurting. so they are still at arms length...i'm not doing as well with this "being open" as i thought. i always thought i was open enough, but i guess only spread thin over people who can't/won't care as much, which, then, is a reflection of how i view myself, just not caring enough about me to let the ones i love carry my burdens with me.

*i'm sorry i don't hug back, always...or come crying to you, you people i love. it's really difficult, harder than i thought. i'm trying my best, but it just not good enough yet*

and i still have no answers as to how to love myself. i just don't. so until then, i keep old patterns, spread myself thin, and keep the ones i'm closest to at the greatest distances (if that makes any sense).

oh, and i let some stuff happen with a guy, too, from work that really shouldn't have happened. i'm on that slippery slope again, again, again, not that i really did much i just chilled in his tent at the party on friday. and let him cuddle me, i did nothing back...he stole one lilttle kiss on the lips and i let that slide. then i let him sleepover again on sunday nite, and he kissed me more but it was gross and i stopped things before anything else happened.

and now he keeps calling, messaging, and he even put a facebook picture of us together up as his profile pic. which mark will see and i'm not happy about,even though he knows full well that mark and i are on a hiatus. But it's my fault for i guess for not stopping things FOR REAL and lying there allowing him to touch me when i don't really care about him/want it. he has no shot, i just haven't broken it to him yet cuz really he's been pretty respectful, no hands under clothes or anything, respected my "no" completely, he's just interested and i haven't acted uninterested, just, ha, i don't know the word. neutral?.

he reminds me of another guy i went out with in the past, and perhaps that's why. the similarities in looks (somewhat) and personailty (totally) are eerie. but it didn't work with that guy so why would i even attempt? and i don't even want to. in fact, i get really tired of doing the whole : this is my room...this is my art....this is my writing....my pictures...my SG (not showing the pics on here tho hahah)....these are my problems, just so you are forewarned....oh, that on my wall *sighs* therapy....my books, do you read?... i like incense, tea, thunderstorms, i feel like im way too skinny right now...yeah i can sing (example) oh hooray, you thought it was good (just like most others before you)...this is ME. there. *yawn* the most repeptitive stuff.

mighty tired of it. from now on, no more little "tours" of nihly. people can just discover me for themselves through being around me long enough. and i guess in doing that, it will filter out the ppl i really WANT to be around me, or not. i'm much too candid, tired of the same convos, tired of "presenting" myself to watch whether they (guys) stay, or run. they usually stay for a while...and say everything's cool, and i seem like a really nice, normal, fun girl....maybe i do the show-and-tell because really i dont want them there, deep down, in the first place. i actually do want them to just leave. "HERE: i'm scarey and fucked up and not worth it so GO!"

so...gotta stop THAT.

I talked to lil' sis for a long time again yesterday. she makes me feel extremely normal. i always thought i was the bad apple. not so. hahahaha, oh man it makes me laugh. i think im so messed up, so bad, so evil, so shitty all the time, only to find out lil' sis is up to the same, if not worse, things and i have her so far up on the pedestal as the good kid in the family. perhaps because i dropped out of university and she is still there, and i'm back home dependent on the parents, and she doesn't come home much at all. yup that definitely makes me feel like i'm a screw up.

i miss her now, so i keep calling, and she'll talk for a long time too, so i call when i'm lonely instead of seeking out male attention. a much better, healthier tactic.

ok, maybe i WAS being hard on myself there just a few paragraphs ago, because someone put that in my head. thanks, V Day, but just because I just keep on saying "no" to there being an "us" doesn't mean I am a horrible failure at life. I'm not great at it, but I'm managing. and even my slips ups aren't too, too bad. everyone makes them and they are normal. you always say i think i'm so not normal, when i am, but maybe it's because you sometimes make me feel like i'm overly fucked up, and you soemtimes make me feel like shit...all because you just don't get what you want from me. can't force love. you have the most love from me you're gonna get right now. that's the best i can do for you and you know it, and if you know it then stop hoping and stop period. just stop making me feel bad about myself, i don't need it.

wow. you just see how i talked myself out of my sad ass mood? that blog was more for me than you i guess then, SG buddies. but at least you can see the improvement in my thought process. that's therapy at work. now i'm going to read some PTSD stuff because tonight, we start with the really really hard stuf. just slowly, and my mom's coming to session with me. this is like way back to grade 5/age 11 bullying. where it all began. so i need her to serve as some memory, for things i've either forgotten or supressed. at least my therapist will be glad i'm self talking out of sad moods. now i can be happy and have a good day, and forget about what just happened this morning because i have been entirely honest about everything and those are someone else's issues, not Nihly's

Here's a pic of darling sis. She's so cute and having fun. I really do love her, even if for awhile there we weren't close, she makes me laugh at our similiarities. ya we didn't talk for years but "oh" all of a sudden I have discovered I'm actually related to you. how nice to have a sister again!









I want that DRESS!

Love,
NIHLY

PS: I just did another friends list cleaning, and if you're deleted please don't come back. there are reasons you are gone. you should maybe know them: ie:you didn't talk to me, that's a good one. This comes after I found someone who I actually did keep up with on SG deleted me, paring down their list. and I am kinda sad. but i just sent a message saying goodbye and goodluck, because she was one cool chiquitta, but i didn't bother her about it, so how's bout you do likewise and not bother me?!

PPS: I would like to know, because I can't tell, if you can still view the Cigs album. Because I closed it, but didn't delete it. And apparently after you close an album, you can't open it again, so it may as well be deleted. i don't understand it, it all seems so very redundant. why do i want a personal slideshow up that no one else can see but me. I already get that it was fucked. And have the originals. so really, why? hahaha