So, to keep in touch with my best friend Amy who is in Windsor finishing up university courses until mid to the end of August, I am cutting and pasting my blogs, or today is the other way around, this is an email I wrote to her. So It's long and it might me repeating stuff I have already said. Or repeating things I've talked with you guys about over MSN. If it is, I'm sorry. I obviously need to repeat myself sometimes to people who haven't hear, not everyone, but she's my best friend and eventually she hears about everything I do, even the shitty stuff. It's hard to tell her, but I do eventually. She knows the most about me of anyone else. I've known her since we were five years old, so how couldn't she?
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Ames:
I had a big breakdown but it lasted the two days Wed/Thurs. then luckily at work we had an easy shift that night. I talked to my boss, Gary about switching up partners, which he will do for sure, and maybe transferring out of the park. I love the park and the people, but I do not want the shifts anymore. And the pacing of things is much faster and just so stressful compared to other parks jobs, Chris, the new lazy guy who works there, told me. He used to work in the greenhouses and did dick all, all the time. I don't want to do nothing, but I need to slow down. It's been a long time since I've been triggered that bad, and it's mostly my own insecurities with being in this relationship with Mark.
I am just really scared that if he gets to know the real me, he will want to leave. He finds it strange that I can easily undress in front of him and sit around naked, or half naked, or whatever (he'll stay fully clothed, laugh uncomfortably, look away) yet I cannot look him straight in the eyes when we talk about "important, serious things". I tried to explain, but some people can't understand unless a) they've been around me for about a year (understand enough to be able to actually help me) or b) they've had some of my experiences. And it's like either he's had it lucky and nothing bad ever happens to him, or if badf things do happen, he's just really good at avoiding dealing with it and whatever he supresses, it just doesn't bother him. He's just not bothered by things. Except he feels super helpless at my getting that upset.
But what can I do? You've seen me like that, Alex has, Jon, my parents... and you know i HATE it, i HATE being around people while I'm IN IT, at my most vulnerable, totally irrational and getting all fucked up and everything's going wrong in my head, and yeah it's in my head but IT"S IN MY HEAD and I don't want it to be like this anymore...I am trying so hard to make things better. So hard.
But I get tired of trying so hard to be happy, when my "boyfriend", doesn't seem to have to try at all, and doesn't have any experiences that makes him understand how being happy is work for me. It's work. Hard work. And that makes me angry and sad. That all these things were done to me, and obviously at some point I did somethng wrong, because they happened to me for a reason, and I must have let them. But perhaps I didn't know any better and I was just taken advantage of over and over and over again...
I get upset that it feels like he's rejecting me when he won't sleepover, and he won't just jump me when I'm naked. He said I take the fun out of it when I take my clothes off like that, and I need to play harder to get. So then I do, even though this drives me crazy, and then he thinks he's always making the first move blah blah blah. GROW UP man. He really just doesnt know what he is doing. Maybe he is second guessing and he didn't mean to go out with me, but whatever. He's here now, so get to know me properly. It is hard for me to not get upset because how can I not feel rejected, it makes me feel like there's something wrong with my body.
But he has these morals that I'm just not used to and damn I'm trying to be patient, but I don't understand those either. I talked to my therapist, and what it boils down to, is that I am so very used to sexual first, emotional second. And if there isn't the emotional there...well you know our lil' pool analogy. I'm a cannonballer, not a toe dipper, and if it's too cold, I jump out as fast as I got in. I tried to dip toes but...I can't tell how the water is. He's a dipper and I'm not. He wants emotional first and physical second. That means trust.
I have no trust anymore babes, it's been sucked out of me by Whitney and Watty and all those bitches from highschool and all the guys that came first and all the guys that came after ever since I ever got involved it's been a mess. So I never did anything right relationship-wise? Is that it? I need to stop pushing away when I need help ad let you guys (you n' Alex, and my family) help me...but it's so hard babes, to let people get close to it. I am STILL afraid of what you'll think and how you'll judge me. still. after 17 years, you would think I'd be over it.
I think I'm still upset at you hunnie, from grade 12. or from highschool in general. I'm still upset. I know you came through at other times and made up for it. But all I picture is me eating lunches alone in Bolton's room, or Ms. Korkola Work's (the art teacher). And you would go off with Graham. I'm still friggin upset about that. I can't let go of anything, any of my past it just comes back all the time and reminds me always, like it won't just leave me alone. But I am going to get it sorted.
Thank you for being there last year when I was just so beyond fighting you guys off from helping me and I just let you instead, do the rescuing for once. I am sorry if I worried you. I worried myself too. Thank you for taking care of me and saving me when I needed it. That means alot to me. And I wish it would scratch out the other past things I'm still bitter at you for, but it doesn't seem to, even though I know you have said sorry. I love you and you are the best. I just want you to come home so bad.
Me n' Alex keep having these fights and he says he hasn't changed, I have, and that's true, I have, but I just can't get things right with him. Because our problems aren't about us, it's just he wants to leave Oshawa, and thus he wants to leave me again, but while he's here he doesn't call or chill or when I call him to do things he refuses to do the things I'm interested in. he is so stubborn. He doesn't want to meet any of my new friends, he's being anti social. he won't come out to any bars or any place that has liquor. We used to dance and go to bars and it would be so much fun. He wants to save the money, I know, but he doesn't have to drink, I just want to be around him, So what does he do? He wants to skateboard and paint. Well, so I got a skateboard. then, he refuses to skate with me in case I get hurt or anything. and I don't like to paint cuz it gives me alot of anxiety spraying walls and I don't have god drawings, man it goes on and on and I don't know how to meet him halfway. I'm even willing to come all the way to him, but then it's like he steps back further, doesn't matter what I do darling...
I hung out with Rob Thursday night. Mark made himself convieniently busy and said also he wanted to go to bed early. Fine. So Rob picked me up and I think we're cool now, He will always like me, yeah, but I said that I have this boyfriend now, you probably saw on facebook, and he was like yeah I saw. Well your friendship means alot to me, I don't want to stop being friends...And he said it means alot to him too so I asked are we cool then? Yeah, we're cool. We went to his friend's house, Phil's and chilled for a bit, He had the truck and Dallas (his dog) so that made me happy. Then, when they cleared out to go to the bars, I went back to Rob's. I wanted to go skinny dipping, but the water was cold, so he just swam instead. Then I slept over. I asked if he wanted me to sleep on the couch and he said no. I didn't want to sleep on the couch anyways. I wore some of his clothes to bed, and he hugged me and I fell asleep, without meds hunnie. I have been sleeping without meds. And we talk alot in the dark before falling asleep. And I think I trust him now. He gave me hugs and made me feel better after my breakdown but he respected me and nothing happened
and I know Mark would be pissed if he knew I would skinny dip around Rob, or see HIM naked, which I did and which neither of us cares about anymore anyways, since we have both seen it, and then slept in his bed. But he just doesn't get the sleepover thing. I need them, especially when I'm in breakdown mode. I need to feel protected and secure at night so I can actually sleep. I don't care whose body is next to me, there just has to be a body. It's not about fooling around. And if he cared about me enough, he'd get that. That I need it sometimes. For me. Just do it for me, please? Constant arguement, that one. Alex probably won't do sleepovers anymore, because of what he told me. But it's ok.
Rob drove me back in the morning and I had night shifts this week so it was early, like 7 am cuz he had to go to work, so I went back to bed and took it real easy so I'd stay ok. I did some shitty stuff after work that night...You don't know the person. You'll be disappointed in me. I can't hang out with him, I just can't. It's bad. But I stayed there that night, and the next morning. Mark called me drunk at 3:30 in the morning and asked what I did that night. Awkward. And then he said do what makes me happy, and it just upsets him so much that I get that upset, so maybe that should count for something? That he gets so upset, he said. Doesn't that show he cares? But he made himself busy Saturday nite, and Sunday we were supposed to hang out and I couldn't reach him on his cell, and he didn't call back. Whatever. I took a perc so I wouldnt stress, and went to sleep and he left me no messages.
Today is Monday and I'm going to talk to my boss's boss, Dru, about a transfer out of the park
it needs to be done but I will be sad to leave people. I'm always leaving people...Hopefully I can still go to Gary's end of the summer kegger. I don't see why not. Jordie knows, and Ryan knows, that I want to go, but Ryan, my old partner, is gone now, Just when we were getting comfortable with each other. And he smiles all the time. It was good being around a person that smiles all the time. There are pics on my facebook, I just added them. Ya, I'm going to miss the Lake people alot if I move, but I need more stable shifts. I get so fucking stressed out darling. And maybe weekends off means I could get out to see you.
Ha, I had a great shift with Chris, the lazy one, last nite. He dicked around and I let him kinda cuz I just wanted to chill too. But, people are so retarded honestly. I just cleaned my main bathroom before dinner and then we were eating on a picinic table right outside of it. I swear to god it was fine, and a half hour later, and woman comes out complaining to another woman about the septic overflowing. WTF. NO ONE came and told us, sitting right there...We had an extra busy weekend with the GM picnic, it's like a carnival set up in the park, with rides and food and we busted ass on Saturday doing it...so you would think they'd pump the tanks knowing that there'd be a big event and then the regular sunday picnic crowd, which is also crazy. But no, the bosses didn't, and we get in ther and it's fucking 4 to 6 inch deep overflowing shit water everywhere. The guys were freaking over the smell, and we were all pissed that not only did no one say anything to us, but that THEY STILL KEPT GOING TO THE BATHROOM, WADING THROUGH THE SHIT WATER!!!
So we closed down that and then checked the beach, also at dangerous levels, and then there was one. And I'm sure it's full now today. And that alot of people just pissed around the park. Fuckers. They're so dirty. So Chris cannot handle anything to do with shit. He was going to puke. But bathrooms don't pohase me and I was smoking a Captain Blacks at the time, they were like Blow the Smoke over here, Blow it over here!!! hahaha. And then I warned Chris garbages would be bad, but no he wanted to fuck around and waste some more time, So I let him, now that we had one less bathroom to clean that night. We could do garbages in the dark. I knew how bad they'd be and he thought they'd be easy. It was really hard to not laugh in front of him as he got more n'more pissed off as we encountered more and more heavy ass garbages juicing everywhere, like too heavy to throw in the bin and full of plates of rice, corn on the cob, and my favourite and heaviest, watermelon, Oh, and people throw hot coals in the bags too, which obviously melt them. And I didn't care, cuz I knew. But he was just so pissed off hahahaha and then his bathrooms were toilets overflowing and shit everywhere hhahaha like he was going green, I loved every second of it!!! bahahaha. Because, he's also coming in this morning and he has to deal with the litter pick, which is horrendous, because everyone uses our park then leaves a mess, and he has to clean up the septic flood and he just cannot handle bathroom messes AT ALL. I was laughing so hard by the end of the night. He's such a lazy fuck. And I get the next two days off so I deal with none of it. Awesome
I have been sleeping the last few nights (except the one really bad one) without meds, and saturday night I drove home on the highway and it was the first time since I got my G in the fall. Go me! and I was ok too babes. I got planters for my mom and made it look nice (flowers in pots at the front of our house) and I got a kiddie pool for the backyard to tan and jump into when it gets too hot. hahaha I want to set up the tent and get like a chiminea and have a camp out. I doubt mark will do it, but maybe alex or rob will for sure. Rob would love it hahaha. I will prolly tackle some of the garden today out back, make it look better. Just do it in my bathing suit so I can tan while I do it. I'm getting shitty tan lines from work now. Blah. And I got three tix to Incubus because Mark's birthday is coming up and I'm the best girlfriend, at least in that aspect not *ahem* others, that we shall pretend never happened...and they just came in the mail. I hate Incubus because I think Graham ruined it for me, remember when he played it constantly? But I will go cuz it's his favourite and I got an extra one so he can bring a friend to ake sure if I'm not feelin it, at least he and his friend will have a good time. The concert is August 2nd. I hope we even make it that far. Fingers crossed babes.
I know I haven't quite got it right, It's a lot of work to get things right and deal with myself when I'm breaking down. And I know the stuff I do would upset Mark but I need time to learn how to do it better, and I'm learning. I hope you don't think less of me. And btw, it wasn't Jon. I haven't seen Jon in ages, but this guy is like my new Jon only he's not an narcasisstic asshole. He really nice. I have to not be around him alone. But when I saw Phil the other nite, I kinda missed him and it made me sad cuz Phil reminds me so much of him it's crazy. Anyways,
Love you sweety. Hope everything's going good, are you on to your new courses yet? And tell me about things with Binkley, cuz you haven't yet. Or I will call you soon. Love you and miss you so much darling, I hope everything's going fantastic,
Loves ya,
MUWAH!
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Catch you guys later. I have two days off, some stuff to deal with with my boss boss and I have to decide how I'm gonna spend these days, too. Wish me luck on getting this transfer, I really need it to get myself straightened up.
NIHLY
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Ames:
I had a big breakdown but it lasted the two days Wed/Thurs. then luckily at work we had an easy shift that night. I talked to my boss, Gary about switching up partners, which he will do for sure, and maybe transferring out of the park. I love the park and the people, but I do not want the shifts anymore. And the pacing of things is much faster and just so stressful compared to other parks jobs, Chris, the new lazy guy who works there, told me. He used to work in the greenhouses and did dick all, all the time. I don't want to do nothing, but I need to slow down. It's been a long time since I've been triggered that bad, and it's mostly my own insecurities with being in this relationship with Mark.
I am just really scared that if he gets to know the real me, he will want to leave. He finds it strange that I can easily undress in front of him and sit around naked, or half naked, or whatever (he'll stay fully clothed, laugh uncomfortably, look away) yet I cannot look him straight in the eyes when we talk about "important, serious things". I tried to explain, but some people can't understand unless a) they've been around me for about a year (understand enough to be able to actually help me) or b) they've had some of my experiences. And it's like either he's had it lucky and nothing bad ever happens to him, or if badf things do happen, he's just really good at avoiding dealing with it and whatever he supresses, it just doesn't bother him. He's just not bothered by things. Except he feels super helpless at my getting that upset.
But what can I do? You've seen me like that, Alex has, Jon, my parents... and you know i HATE it, i HATE being around people while I'm IN IT, at my most vulnerable, totally irrational and getting all fucked up and everything's going wrong in my head, and yeah it's in my head but IT"S IN MY HEAD and I don't want it to be like this anymore...I am trying so hard to make things better. So hard.
But I get tired of trying so hard to be happy, when my "boyfriend", doesn't seem to have to try at all, and doesn't have any experiences that makes him understand how being happy is work for me. It's work. Hard work. And that makes me angry and sad. That all these things were done to me, and obviously at some point I did somethng wrong, because they happened to me for a reason, and I must have let them. But perhaps I didn't know any better and I was just taken advantage of over and over and over again...
I get upset that it feels like he's rejecting me when he won't sleepover, and he won't just jump me when I'm naked. He said I take the fun out of it when I take my clothes off like that, and I need to play harder to get. So then I do, even though this drives me crazy, and then he thinks he's always making the first move blah blah blah. GROW UP man. He really just doesnt know what he is doing. Maybe he is second guessing and he didn't mean to go out with me, but whatever. He's here now, so get to know me properly. It is hard for me to not get upset because how can I not feel rejected, it makes me feel like there's something wrong with my body.
But he has these morals that I'm just not used to and damn I'm trying to be patient, but I don't understand those either. I talked to my therapist, and what it boils down to, is that I am so very used to sexual first, emotional second. And if there isn't the emotional there...well you know our lil' pool analogy. I'm a cannonballer, not a toe dipper, and if it's too cold, I jump out as fast as I got in. I tried to dip toes but...I can't tell how the water is. He's a dipper and I'm not. He wants emotional first and physical second. That means trust.
I have no trust anymore babes, it's been sucked out of me by Whitney and Watty and all those bitches from highschool and all the guys that came first and all the guys that came after ever since I ever got involved it's been a mess. So I never did anything right relationship-wise? Is that it? I need to stop pushing away when I need help ad let you guys (you n' Alex, and my family) help me...but it's so hard babes, to let people get close to it. I am STILL afraid of what you'll think and how you'll judge me. still. after 17 years, you would think I'd be over it.
I think I'm still upset at you hunnie, from grade 12. or from highschool in general. I'm still upset. I know you came through at other times and made up for it. But all I picture is me eating lunches alone in Bolton's room, or Ms. Korkola Work's (the art teacher). And you would go off with Graham. I'm still friggin upset about that. I can't let go of anything, any of my past it just comes back all the time and reminds me always, like it won't just leave me alone. But I am going to get it sorted.
Thank you for being there last year when I was just so beyond fighting you guys off from helping me and I just let you instead, do the rescuing for once. I am sorry if I worried you. I worried myself too. Thank you for taking care of me and saving me when I needed it. That means alot to me. And I wish it would scratch out the other past things I'm still bitter at you for, but it doesn't seem to, even though I know you have said sorry. I love you and you are the best. I just want you to come home so bad.
Me n' Alex keep having these fights and he says he hasn't changed, I have, and that's true, I have, but I just can't get things right with him. Because our problems aren't about us, it's just he wants to leave Oshawa, and thus he wants to leave me again, but while he's here he doesn't call or chill or when I call him to do things he refuses to do the things I'm interested in. he is so stubborn. He doesn't want to meet any of my new friends, he's being anti social. he won't come out to any bars or any place that has liquor. We used to dance and go to bars and it would be so much fun. He wants to save the money, I know, but he doesn't have to drink, I just want to be around him, So what does he do? He wants to skateboard and paint. Well, so I got a skateboard. then, he refuses to skate with me in case I get hurt or anything. and I don't like to paint cuz it gives me alot of anxiety spraying walls and I don't have god drawings, man it goes on and on and I don't know how to meet him halfway. I'm even willing to come all the way to him, but then it's like he steps back further, doesn't matter what I do darling...
I hung out with Rob Thursday night. Mark made himself convieniently busy and said also he wanted to go to bed early. Fine. So Rob picked me up and I think we're cool now, He will always like me, yeah, but I said that I have this boyfriend now, you probably saw on facebook, and he was like yeah I saw. Well your friendship means alot to me, I don't want to stop being friends...And he said it means alot to him too so I asked are we cool then? Yeah, we're cool. We went to his friend's house, Phil's and chilled for a bit, He had the truck and Dallas (his dog) so that made me happy. Then, when they cleared out to go to the bars, I went back to Rob's. I wanted to go skinny dipping, but the water was cold, so he just swam instead. Then I slept over. I asked if he wanted me to sleep on the couch and he said no. I didn't want to sleep on the couch anyways. I wore some of his clothes to bed, and he hugged me and I fell asleep, without meds hunnie. I have been sleeping without meds. And we talk alot in the dark before falling asleep. And I think I trust him now. He gave me hugs and made me feel better after my breakdown but he respected me and nothing happened
and I know Mark would be pissed if he knew I would skinny dip around Rob, or see HIM naked, which I did and which neither of us cares about anymore anyways, since we have both seen it, and then slept in his bed. But he just doesn't get the sleepover thing. I need them, especially when I'm in breakdown mode. I need to feel protected and secure at night so I can actually sleep. I don't care whose body is next to me, there just has to be a body. It's not about fooling around. And if he cared about me enough, he'd get that. That I need it sometimes. For me. Just do it for me, please? Constant arguement, that one. Alex probably won't do sleepovers anymore, because of what he told me. But it's ok.
Rob drove me back in the morning and I had night shifts this week so it was early, like 7 am cuz he had to go to work, so I went back to bed and took it real easy so I'd stay ok. I did some shitty stuff after work that night...You don't know the person. You'll be disappointed in me. I can't hang out with him, I just can't. It's bad. But I stayed there that night, and the next morning. Mark called me drunk at 3:30 in the morning and asked what I did that night. Awkward. And then he said do what makes me happy, and it just upsets him so much that I get that upset, so maybe that should count for something? That he gets so upset, he said. Doesn't that show he cares? But he made himself busy Saturday nite, and Sunday we were supposed to hang out and I couldn't reach him on his cell, and he didn't call back. Whatever. I took a perc so I wouldnt stress, and went to sleep and he left me no messages.
Today is Monday and I'm going to talk to my boss's boss, Dru, about a transfer out of the park
it needs to be done but I will be sad to leave people. I'm always leaving people...Hopefully I can still go to Gary's end of the summer kegger. I don't see why not. Jordie knows, and Ryan knows, that I want to go, but Ryan, my old partner, is gone now, Just when we were getting comfortable with each other. And he smiles all the time. It was good being around a person that smiles all the time. There are pics on my facebook, I just added them. Ya, I'm going to miss the Lake people alot if I move, but I need more stable shifts. I get so fucking stressed out darling. And maybe weekends off means I could get out to see you.
Ha, I had a great shift with Chris, the lazy one, last nite. He dicked around and I let him kinda cuz I just wanted to chill too. But, people are so retarded honestly. I just cleaned my main bathroom before dinner and then we were eating on a picinic table right outside of it. I swear to god it was fine, and a half hour later, and woman comes out complaining to another woman about the septic overflowing. WTF. NO ONE came and told us, sitting right there...We had an extra busy weekend with the GM picnic, it's like a carnival set up in the park, with rides and food and we busted ass on Saturday doing it...so you would think they'd pump the tanks knowing that there'd be a big event and then the regular sunday picnic crowd, which is also crazy. But no, the bosses didn't, and we get in ther and it's fucking 4 to 6 inch deep overflowing shit water everywhere. The guys were freaking over the smell, and we were all pissed that not only did no one say anything to us, but that THEY STILL KEPT GOING TO THE BATHROOM, WADING THROUGH THE SHIT WATER!!!
So we closed down that and then checked the beach, also at dangerous levels, and then there was one. And I'm sure it's full now today. And that alot of people just pissed around the park. Fuckers. They're so dirty. So Chris cannot handle anything to do with shit. He was going to puke. But bathrooms don't pohase me and I was smoking a Captain Blacks at the time, they were like Blow the Smoke over here, Blow it over here!!! hahaha. And then I warned Chris garbages would be bad, but no he wanted to fuck around and waste some more time, So I let him, now that we had one less bathroom to clean that night. We could do garbages in the dark. I knew how bad they'd be and he thought they'd be easy. It was really hard to not laugh in front of him as he got more n'more pissed off as we encountered more and more heavy ass garbages juicing everywhere, like too heavy to throw in the bin and full of plates of rice, corn on the cob, and my favourite and heaviest, watermelon, Oh, and people throw hot coals in the bags too, which obviously melt them. And I didn't care, cuz I knew. But he was just so pissed off hahahaha and then his bathrooms were toilets overflowing and shit everywhere hhahaha like he was going green, I loved every second of it!!! bahahaha. Because, he's also coming in this morning and he has to deal with the litter pick, which is horrendous, because everyone uses our park then leaves a mess, and he has to clean up the septic flood and he just cannot handle bathroom messes AT ALL. I was laughing so hard by the end of the night. He's such a lazy fuck. And I get the next two days off so I deal with none of it. Awesome
I have been sleeping the last few nights (except the one really bad one) without meds, and saturday night I drove home on the highway and it was the first time since I got my G in the fall. Go me! and I was ok too babes. I got planters for my mom and made it look nice (flowers in pots at the front of our house) and I got a kiddie pool for the backyard to tan and jump into when it gets too hot. hahaha I want to set up the tent and get like a chiminea and have a camp out. I doubt mark will do it, but maybe alex or rob will for sure. Rob would love it hahaha. I will prolly tackle some of the garden today out back, make it look better. Just do it in my bathing suit so I can tan while I do it. I'm getting shitty tan lines from work now. Blah. And I got three tix to Incubus because Mark's birthday is coming up and I'm the best girlfriend, at least in that aspect not *ahem* others, that we shall pretend never happened...and they just came in the mail. I hate Incubus because I think Graham ruined it for me, remember when he played it constantly? But I will go cuz it's his favourite and I got an extra one so he can bring a friend to ake sure if I'm not feelin it, at least he and his friend will have a good time. The concert is August 2nd. I hope we even make it that far. Fingers crossed babes.
I know I haven't quite got it right, It's a lot of work to get things right and deal with myself when I'm breaking down. And I know the stuff I do would upset Mark but I need time to learn how to do it better, and I'm learning. I hope you don't think less of me. And btw, it wasn't Jon. I haven't seen Jon in ages, but this guy is like my new Jon only he's not an narcasisstic asshole. He really nice. I have to not be around him alone. But when I saw Phil the other nite, I kinda missed him and it made me sad cuz Phil reminds me so much of him it's crazy. Anyways,
Love you sweety. Hope everything's going good, are you on to your new courses yet? And tell me about things with Binkley, cuz you haven't yet. Or I will call you soon. Love you and miss you so much darling, I hope everything's going fantastic,
Loves ya,
MUWAH!
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Catch you guys later. I have two days off, some stuff to deal with with my boss boss and I have to decide how I'm gonna spend these days, too. Wish me luck on getting this transfer, I really need it to get myself straightened up.
NIHLY