So thanks for my song Brocklee, hope there's more coming soon, cuz I"ve already danced to it about a million times around my room lol. It's awesome!!!
Hmmm so ya I guess Dave leaving (losing my work partner) really triggered off my anxiety because I do this thing, which is shitty, called "denial", I even deny my denial, and I have myself totally fooled into thinking I have everything under control when I don't. And can't. Because I don't allow myself to acknowledge and own up to any feelings I see as "weak". And thus, out comes Nihl's anxiety. Because she is trying so hard to keep it together on her OWN, and shoves things down into the subconscious level, where then they come out in other ways ie: anxiety and nightmares. When will she learn...?
I already had a huge wake up call last year upon realizing this, that I need to start letting people help me more, that it is not a sign of strength to go at it alone, and it is not a sign a weakness to ask for some help when you really need it. And yet it's like I keep forgetting...and I keep making the same mistakes over and over. So I was trying to think of what exactly the feelings are that I HATE to have...
I don't like to share my problems with people while I am in the middle of them. I like to minimize things, so that when I feel I have dealt with said problems, I will come to people afterwards and say, "You know, this happened BUT it's ok cuz I've done this, this and this about it."
I felt weak because I was really upset when I got the news Dave was leaving so suddenly. It came as a shock, out of the blue, "you have two shifts left". I wanted to cry, but I was at work, and I felt guilty and selfish over having these feelings of loss and sadness, because I felt like it was my obligation to show happiness and support for my partner. So it really triggered me off to kind of shove these feelings aside and "act happy" when I wasn't. I was losing a confidant, someone I trust deeply, who has always been patient with me, no questions asked. Who I shared in my real day-to-day life very personal information with, and who in turn shared some major information with me to HELP ME. The way we are partnered off at work, we are side by side every shift with the same person all summer long. This means that the person I have as my partner sees ALL of my ups and downs. I am always so insecure that people will see there is something wrong with me, and they will think I am crazy.
My work partner prior to Dave, he warned him about me at the beginning of last summer, before I got to the lake. Dave still won't tell me what he said. I told him on our very last shift what my issues were and he simply said, "Well things make a lot more sense now." I never felt judged by him, or weird around him. And if I was having a shitty day he never made me feel bad about it. He didn't even point out the fact that he'd picked up on some out-of-character behaviours. He just always let things slide and he was so nice to me. He didn't listen to the warnings he was given, he made up his own mind about me and at the end of last summer said, "And really, I don't know what he was talking about. You're fine." Not fine as in, you have no problems, but fine as in, you're fine to me. I accept you as you are.
I really struggle with acceptance. I struggle to get it from people and keep it. I have been around some really negative people who would one day act like they accepted me, and the next something was wrong. I just didn't "fit". But Dave, he accepted me without me having to work to get it at all. It was just there. He's a genuinely nice person. And if I don't feel judged, I am just the "normal" me. Without the insecurities.
So, I went into depressive mode mixed with anxiety because I simply did not want to face the fact that I am really, really going to miss Dave a lot. I put a lot into my relationships, and when there's trust, they mean so much to me. I don't feel scared to be who I am, flaws and all. That is so hard. Perfecting my imperfections is so hard. So I guess that's what was wrong, mixed with other things. And writing this out, I guess you can read it if you care. But just writing it out now helped me to be sad, disappointed, and stop my anxiety because I am acknowledging the feelings I see as "weak".
I don't know where I inherited this mentality. I really don't. Or why it is so deeply engrained in me. But, it is very hard to give it up and just let people in. I let Dave in, and he is gone, at least as my work partner, not as a friend. It's just bothersome that I have to let people in, when in the past, friends have fooled me so badly in trusting them and loving them, and them ripped me apart. So here I am. Working at trying to be open, even if there's a possibility that the next person I let in does the same thing again. And how can you tell? I was blindsided.
Long rant. Sorry.
BTW, I don't need any reassurance that these things are normal, and everyone feels this way sometimes. I know that. It is just that this is physically and psychologically now interferring with my life. And not everyone gets that. So...no reassurances please. I know.
NIHLY
Hmmm so ya I guess Dave leaving (losing my work partner) really triggered off my anxiety because I do this thing, which is shitty, called "denial", I even deny my denial, and I have myself totally fooled into thinking I have everything under control when I don't. And can't. Because I don't allow myself to acknowledge and own up to any feelings I see as "weak". And thus, out comes Nihl's anxiety. Because she is trying so hard to keep it together on her OWN, and shoves things down into the subconscious level, where then they come out in other ways ie: anxiety and nightmares. When will she learn...?
I already had a huge wake up call last year upon realizing this, that I need to start letting people help me more, that it is not a sign of strength to go at it alone, and it is not a sign a weakness to ask for some help when you really need it. And yet it's like I keep forgetting...and I keep making the same mistakes over and over. So I was trying to think of what exactly the feelings are that I HATE to have...
I don't like to share my problems with people while I am in the middle of them. I like to minimize things, so that when I feel I have dealt with said problems, I will come to people afterwards and say, "You know, this happened BUT it's ok cuz I've done this, this and this about it."
I felt weak because I was really upset when I got the news Dave was leaving so suddenly. It came as a shock, out of the blue, "you have two shifts left". I wanted to cry, but I was at work, and I felt guilty and selfish over having these feelings of loss and sadness, because I felt like it was my obligation to show happiness and support for my partner. So it really triggered me off to kind of shove these feelings aside and "act happy" when I wasn't. I was losing a confidant, someone I trust deeply, who has always been patient with me, no questions asked. Who I shared in my real day-to-day life very personal information with, and who in turn shared some major information with me to HELP ME. The way we are partnered off at work, we are side by side every shift with the same person all summer long. This means that the person I have as my partner sees ALL of my ups and downs. I am always so insecure that people will see there is something wrong with me, and they will think I am crazy.
My work partner prior to Dave, he warned him about me at the beginning of last summer, before I got to the lake. Dave still won't tell me what he said. I told him on our very last shift what my issues were and he simply said, "Well things make a lot more sense now." I never felt judged by him, or weird around him. And if I was having a shitty day he never made me feel bad about it. He didn't even point out the fact that he'd picked up on some out-of-character behaviours. He just always let things slide and he was so nice to me. He didn't listen to the warnings he was given, he made up his own mind about me and at the end of last summer said, "And really, I don't know what he was talking about. You're fine." Not fine as in, you have no problems, but fine as in, you're fine to me. I accept you as you are.
I really struggle with acceptance. I struggle to get it from people and keep it. I have been around some really negative people who would one day act like they accepted me, and the next something was wrong. I just didn't "fit". But Dave, he accepted me without me having to work to get it at all. It was just there. He's a genuinely nice person. And if I don't feel judged, I am just the "normal" me. Without the insecurities.
So, I went into depressive mode mixed with anxiety because I simply did not want to face the fact that I am really, really going to miss Dave a lot. I put a lot into my relationships, and when there's trust, they mean so much to me. I don't feel scared to be who I am, flaws and all. That is so hard. Perfecting my imperfections is so hard. So I guess that's what was wrong, mixed with other things. And writing this out, I guess you can read it if you care. But just writing it out now helped me to be sad, disappointed, and stop my anxiety because I am acknowledging the feelings I see as "weak".
I don't know where I inherited this mentality. I really don't. Or why it is so deeply engrained in me. But, it is very hard to give it up and just let people in. I let Dave in, and he is gone, at least as my work partner, not as a friend. It's just bothersome that I have to let people in, when in the past, friends have fooled me so badly in trusting them and loving them, and them ripped me apart. So here I am. Working at trying to be open, even if there's a possibility that the next person I let in does the same thing again. And how can you tell? I was blindsided.
Long rant. Sorry.
BTW, I don't need any reassurance that these things are normal, and everyone feels this way sometimes. I know that. It is just that this is physically and psychologically now interferring with my life. And not everyone gets that. So...no reassurances please. I know.
NIHLY
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XOXO