okay so let me go into more detail than my last post, because it seemed incomplete.
i was diagnosed with depression a long long time ago. i started cutting myself when i was 12 years old and have been doing it ever since. i'm not one of those people who cuts themselves to see if they're "still alive" or "to feel the pain." no, i don't go into the deep meaning about it like that. i cut myself 'cause it's a stress reliever. simple as that. i feel stressed out and under pressure and i cut. and afterwards it feels like a relief. so me and depression...we've been together for a long time.
the last month and a half has been pretty bad. so there's been a lot of blah-ness. it's like the winter depression has kicked in a couple months earlier than usual. usually i get depressed right after halloween. you know, the holiday blues. but i'm feeling like that now and it makes no sense because some good things have been happening. i got a little part-time gig in the mornings before i go to my job in the evenings to pull in some extra money. my band is in the process of getting booked for a couple more shows next month at the same place we just played a few weeks ago. and that show went well.
but there's also the yang side. i might have to move back home when my lease is up in a few months (even with the two jobs i still can't make ends meet out here). hell, i don't even know what i'm doing out here in hollyweird. i had no idea what i was doing back home either. i never had any real sense of direction or that i was going anywhere...ever. i just kinda floated around and did stuff. and it sucked. i've tried just about everything, but nothing ever felt right...you know what i mean? like you might have a crappy job, but you have a great hobby or family or friendship that just makes you feel right inside. and i still haven't found what i'm looking for.
oooh, maybe 'cause my birthday is coming up...maybe i'm depressed because of that. my birthday is 10 days before christmas. and i always liked my birthday, until i turned 30. then i hated it because i know that nothing good ever comes after 30. my dad always said "it's all downhill from 30." and shit, i'm going to be 31. now common sense of me says "c'mon being in your thirties is way young." however the emotional side of me says "well you just blew your chance at doing or becoming anything or anyone."
i know i need therapy, but i have no health insurance. and i know there are free services around here, but their hours are 8-5 mondays through fridays and 11-7 on saturdays. well guess who is at work all that time....yeah, i have to work saturdays too. you know how it is when you have to hold down more than one job. there are no weekends. and i can't afford a therapist on my own.
"momma says only stormy weather. don't know why there's no sun in the sky..."
i was diagnosed with depression a long long time ago. i started cutting myself when i was 12 years old and have been doing it ever since. i'm not one of those people who cuts themselves to see if they're "still alive" or "to feel the pain." no, i don't go into the deep meaning about it like that. i cut myself 'cause it's a stress reliever. simple as that. i feel stressed out and under pressure and i cut. and afterwards it feels like a relief. so me and depression...we've been together for a long time.
the last month and a half has been pretty bad. so there's been a lot of blah-ness. it's like the winter depression has kicked in a couple months earlier than usual. usually i get depressed right after halloween. you know, the holiday blues. but i'm feeling like that now and it makes no sense because some good things have been happening. i got a little part-time gig in the mornings before i go to my job in the evenings to pull in some extra money. my band is in the process of getting booked for a couple more shows next month at the same place we just played a few weeks ago. and that show went well.
but there's also the yang side. i might have to move back home when my lease is up in a few months (even with the two jobs i still can't make ends meet out here). hell, i don't even know what i'm doing out here in hollyweird. i had no idea what i was doing back home either. i never had any real sense of direction or that i was going anywhere...ever. i just kinda floated around and did stuff. and it sucked. i've tried just about everything, but nothing ever felt right...you know what i mean? like you might have a crappy job, but you have a great hobby or family or friendship that just makes you feel right inside. and i still haven't found what i'm looking for.
oooh, maybe 'cause my birthday is coming up...maybe i'm depressed because of that. my birthday is 10 days before christmas. and i always liked my birthday, until i turned 30. then i hated it because i know that nothing good ever comes after 30. my dad always said "it's all downhill from 30." and shit, i'm going to be 31. now common sense of me says "c'mon being in your thirties is way young." however the emotional side of me says "well you just blew your chance at doing or becoming anything or anyone."
i know i need therapy, but i have no health insurance. and i know there are free services around here, but their hours are 8-5 mondays through fridays and 11-7 on saturdays. well guess who is at work all that time....yeah, i have to work saturdays too. you know how it is when you have to hold down more than one job. there are no weekends. and i can't afford a therapist on my own.
"momma says only stormy weather. don't know why there's no sun in the sky..."
I just turned 30 last spring so I know what you mean, but I really dont feel any different, I think you are as young as you want to be
I think you will feel ALOT better when you do, and maybe they can help you stop hurting yourself.