niessa

Okay so some updating is in order, but strangely enough I am usually pretty self centred and can talk about myself all day and night, and not really give a crap about what you feel, say or think, but for some reason I hate writing about myself and what happened in my life.
I have never been one to keep a journal or "write down my feelings" I just usually like to share my cool experiences including sexual, travel, parties, and stupid things I have done.

I also really like receiving and sharing jokes, and cute pics. So that's why I have included the following things;

I used to have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina
dog food at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog (what a question).

On impulse, I told her no. I was starting The Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time. But that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, that I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
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YOUR AGE IN CHOCOLATE Don't tell your age, the Hershey Man will know!
YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
This is pretty neat.
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>DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute .
>Work this out as you read ...
>Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
>This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
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>1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
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>chocolate
>(more than once but less than 10)
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>2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
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>3. Add 5
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>4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
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>5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....
>If you haven't, add 1755.
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>6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
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>! The first digit of this was your original number
>(i.e., how! many times you want to have chocolate each week).
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>The next two numbers are
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>YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
>THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS
____________________________
How to treat a woman:
> > Wine her.
> > Dine her.
> > Call her.
> > Hold her.
> > Surprise her.
> > Compliment her.
> > Smile at her.
> > Listen to her.
> > Laugh with her.
> > Cry with her.
> > Romance her.
> > Encourage her.
> > Believe in her.
> > Pray with her.
> > Pray for her.
> > Cuddle with her.
> > Shop with her.
> > Give her jewellery.
> > Buy her flowers.
> > Hold her hand.
> > Write love letters to her.
> > Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

How To Treat a Man:
> > Show up naked.
> > Bring chicken wings
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Russian Genie

Ivan was a dirt poor Russian peasant. One day while walking through the countryside he discovered an old lamp. He started to polish it and out came a genie who told him that for freeing him from the lamp he would grant Ivan one wish.

Ivan thought for a minute before declaring, "I am a poor simple man with simple needs, therefore I wish that Ivan pee vodka!" The Genie exclaimed that Ivan's wish was granted and disappeared in a poof of smoke.

Ivan runs home and bursts through the door yelling, "Wife, bring two cups...tonight we drink vodka!!!" He pees in the cups and sure enough, it's the best vodka either had ever tasted. They drink into the wee hours of the morning.

The next night he comes through the door and again hollers, "Wife, bring two cups....tonight we drink vodka!!!" This continues all week until Friday night when Ivan comes in the door and exclaims, "Wife, bring me one cup!!!"

His wife is upset and asks, "Ivan, all week you say bring two cups and we drink vodka, so why tonight do you only ask for one cup?"

Ivan smiles and replies, "Because tonight wife, you drink from bottle!!!"
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Hairy Chest

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says,

"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"

She replies, "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
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> GUYS, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION
> LOL..... ok, see how you all do.

> 1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

> 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog ... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

> 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

> 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

> 5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard, strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.

> 6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major leagues, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

> 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

> 8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fruits when they flame out too.
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Just a reflection
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old peoples home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday,
--- and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
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A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the
sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his
sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this
for my birthday." His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks
him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother." So off goes the
little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his
mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England
supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is
outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says,
"Go talk to your father." Off he goes with the football shirt in hand
and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an
England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday." The
father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times
and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half
an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The
father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something
today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son
replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I
hate you German Bas**rds
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WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE THEIR PURSE IS.
2. THEY BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH THEIR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING THEIR BUTTS WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. THEY'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT THEY WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE THEY COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN THEIR LAST TRIP TO PEE, THEY REALIZE THAT THEY NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS THEY WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO
5. START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT THEY LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
6. GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOODNESS! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
7. FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO THEM.
8. SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
9. YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO THEY BELIEVE CHEATED THEM BY GIVING JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE THEY CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
10. THEY THINK THEY ARE IN BED, BUT THE PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)
11. FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN SITTING ON IT.
12. TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF BECAUSE IT'S BELIEVED IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT THEIR HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

"Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution. They Walk Among Us
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . .
They Walk Among Us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". .
They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
They Walk Among Us!
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases
were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.
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"They walk among us, AND reproduce!!"
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*Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk** *...


a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
*
Things that are *VERY *difficult to say when you're drunk*...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
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Things that are *ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE* to say when you're drunk... *

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

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While I was driving down the N1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a traffic-cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked: "Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum-stretcher," I responded.

The traffic cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum-stretcher?? And just what does a rectum-stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger into a rectum, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind A bridge..."

Speeding ticket: R250.00
Court costs: R1000..00
Look on traffic cop's face: P R I C E L E S S . . . . . .
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Irish Humour

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it.
At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
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Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one , just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"
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A recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.
Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon
and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand
your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.
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Kay, and also have a shit load of pics to upload from recent travel in Rome, and the roadtrip,...well pretty much all around Southern Ireland
too come soon!!!