Jokes
If You're a Pilot and your plane goes to shit
BACK-UP AIDES FOR EARLY AVIATION INSTRUMENTS FOR FLYING.
First, the pilot puts a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remans upright, the pilot merely has to see which way the cat leans to determine if the wings are level. Second, comes a duck, the duck is used for approaches and landings in "foul" weather conditions. Any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, thus it is only necessary to hurl the duck out the plane and follow it to the ground. Extra Precautions:
1. Get a wide awake cat, because most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a dog, so that the cat will be kept at constant attention.
2. Make sure the cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll, followed by an inverted spin and structural wing failure.
3. Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives, but an old cat with only one live left has just as much to lose as you do and therefore will be more dependable.
4. Avoid cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers you are using the cat to stay level, the duck will refuse to leave without the cat.
5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. A nearsighted duck does not realize she has been thrown out of the plane, and will decend to the ground in a sitting postion. Very difficult maneuver to follow in a plane.
6. Use land loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out of the overcast and find yourself on final approach in the middle of a lake.
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Buttered Corn in the desert
Two guys are stuck in the desert dying of thirst.
As they walk for days and finally see a little hut.
With the last of their strenght they run to the hut and knock on the door.
This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed.
The second man and the women enter the hut, leaving the first man outside.
The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes.
He looks around the hut and sees a table full of corn on the cob.
He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.
The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed.
The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water.
The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."
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A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
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There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely 2) wouldn't run away from her 3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
If You're a Pilot and your plane goes to shit
BACK-UP AIDES FOR EARLY AVIATION INSTRUMENTS FOR FLYING.
First, the pilot puts a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remans upright, the pilot merely has to see which way the cat leans to determine if the wings are level. Second, comes a duck, the duck is used for approaches and landings in "foul" weather conditions. Any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, thus it is only necessary to hurl the duck out the plane and follow it to the ground. Extra Precautions:
1. Get a wide awake cat, because most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a dog, so that the cat will be kept at constant attention.
2. Make sure the cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll, followed by an inverted spin and structural wing failure.
3. Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives, but an old cat with only one live left has just as much to lose as you do and therefore will be more dependable.
4. Avoid cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers you are using the cat to stay level, the duck will refuse to leave without the cat.
5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. A nearsighted duck does not realize she has been thrown out of the plane, and will decend to the ground in a sitting postion. Very difficult maneuver to follow in a plane.
6. Use land loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out of the overcast and find yourself on final approach in the middle of a lake.
=========================================
Buttered Corn in the desert
Two guys are stuck in the desert dying of thirst.
As they walk for days and finally see a little hut.
With the last of their strenght they run to the hut and knock on the door.
This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed.
The second man and the women enter the hut, leaving the first man outside.
The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes.
He looks around the hut and sees a table full of corn on the cob.
He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.
The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed.
The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water.
The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."
============================================
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
============================================
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely 2) wouldn't run away from her 3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
YAY to new jokes!! you made me giggle!