Thought I might provide some insight to anyone that's dabbling in the dating world by explaining how I work so far as that's concerned.
The "hello how are you" stage:
I'm not going to hit on you out of the blue. If I'm interested I might send a nice message about a funny post, if we already know each other I might decide you're worthy of a personal conversation. It's a chemistry test. Can we have a conversation at all? Do you share my sense of humor? Are we passionate about similar things? Do you drive the conversation as much as I do? If it was a plus, dear sweet christ, start the next conversation. Don't play. Make it known. You'll live . I promise. Call.
I've got a passionate personality so it takes a driven passionate woman to light that spark.
Okay so we survived that part. Now we're on to the sparkly new exciting "let's get to know each other" phase.
So this part is obviously an early make or break for everyone. Do we feel comfortable enough to get to the good stuff? Can I tell you my secrets? The stuff that most people would pass harsh judgement upon? Maybe you're lucky enough to never have had to make hard decisions in your life but I'm not so toys is where you'll hear all the "oh god I hope she still wants to date me"stuff. Honesty starts here. We should be past the nervous bullshit. Put it out there. After all that honesty do we still feel good about it? Okay then. On to the next part.
"So it's official"
Now we're a thing. So let's break for a minute and address two scenarios.
1. (Ominous music) it's long distance.
Okay so it gets tricky here. How do you date someone you don't get to have contact or context with? Take a deep breath before you say or do a thing. Do you mean it? Are your feelings real or are they an escape from reality? Have you considered the possibility of changing your life to be with me? Because you should have. And the answer should have been yes before things ever got to this point. Okay so yes you meant it. Now be mindful. Check in. Send random messages. It's nice to be thought of. No its not clingy. Don't be a jealous person. Staying awake till 3am to talk about the nutritional value of chick peas pretty much guarantees that I'm into you. So don't worry about where I am or who I'm with. ..I'll message you when I get home safe. The same goes for you. I'm probably pacing and paralyzed with worry that you're okay. ..regardless of where when why or who. That's all. At this point if you bs me we're all done so I don't worry about the other nonsense. 2. So second scenario, we live close. Okay so basically not much changes. Difference being that any intimacy doesn't have to be imagined. Just remember to make time for it. We're all going to work till we die, so don't let that keep you from enjoying life. We made it through the completely awkward part. Don't ruin it by over thinking. (In all fairness this would be the time to walk away from any big red flags you discover) all that being said...this is the time to be faithful from here on out. No more keeping your options open. It's too late for that. Nuff said
So now we hit the "oh shit this is serious" part
we should probably bring our separate lives together. There's still that tiny doubt that maybe things won't work out. That's cool. Smart even. You should have a backup plan. Find comfort in knowing you could leave. It takes the weight off. It's the responsible thing to do. Sure, share the rent or the mortgage. Just don't put both your names on it. Yeah seems noble and all but let's face it...Good credit is the only American dream. Don't fuck it up. Money issues are the number one cause of long term relationship failure. Don't carry it around for 8 years after you've said goodbye.
Did we make it this far? Are we thinking about rings?
So here's where as a divorcee I might be making things a bit difficult. There's no way in hell I'm jumping into another marriage. Yeah I know the upsides. Been there and I'll get to that. Honestly there aren't many downsides of it except the part when it doesn't work out. ... costing many people more than they can ever recover from in emotional toll, financial burden, and possibly even destroyed credit, lost friends, and damaged reputation. So there's that. I'm going to make you wait for it. Show me it doesn't matter wether we do or don't. ..that you'll stay regardless and maybe I'll think about it again.
Those upsides though ❤ the certainty that you're where you're supposed to be. The best friend that knows exactly what you need. The partner in crime. The tax refund. Those precious hospital visitations. Oh wait. The sex. ..ohhh god the sex. Inhibitions? What's that? Wait I get to have sex with someone that loves me back? There's an emotional connection too? They'll still be here in the morning and won't care that my beard looks like I've had my face outside a car window for 300 miles? Well holy shit. Let's do this thing.
Times will get tough. The further along you are the more difficult things will get. Real shit. Sickness, death, mistakes, carelessness. Don't clam up. Talk about everything. Every fucking thing. Be flexible. Be compassionate. Call that shit out if you need to. Don't compromise yourself but remember you're devoted to a human being. Flawed. Imperfect. But yours.
Anyway. .just don't play games. Don't be shy. Don't leave questions unanswered. Don't be a "what if." If it doesn't work out. ..we're cool. Shit happens. Just be you, get down with your nerdy self. (I happen to love it) and don't forget that one little "thing" might be all it takes to make me feel special, let me know you care, or put my mind at ease.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go tuck myself in and snuggle the crap out of my pup while I finish "Making a Killer" on Netflix ✌💋 chances are I probably have a wicked crush on you and probably seemed like a nervous weirdo the last time we talked so I've got work to do myself but there it is. Sweet dreams.
