i'm not sure why i can't get rid of this disconnect. how can i dedicate myself to one thing with endless faith and be discouraged so easily with others? i'm tired of being this wounded animal. i've gone from hurt, to anger at the one who wounded me so deeply, to being determined to not let her win, to optimism, to skepticism, then back to feeling old scars and anger at myself for allowing it. all the while it's the people around me who pay for it. it's nowhere close to fair to any of them. i'm sure i'll snap out if it in an hour, or wake up tomorrow feeling a new sense of clarity. but right now... right now is the place i dont want to return to. talk about abandonment issues. it's stupid. i know it. deep breaths and cut that shit out. anyway... just thinking out loud... being the crazy guy on the corner talking to himself.
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