I’ve been online dating off and on far longer than any sane human being should. At my age other options are limited, ideally I might have friends or family setting me up with a nice girl, but honestly they struggle with what to buy me for Christmas so I’m kind of on my own. Despite all the learning experiences I’ve had, I try to keep my profile positive and upbeat. I’m writing this because I need an outlet for my frustration and quite frankly there are things people need to know.
I should get this out of the way first, dating sucks. Unless you’ve been locked up in a stale relationship for what seems like forever, meeting new people will quickly wear on you. It’s a process, and you have to take the good with the bad, and spoiler alert, it’s mostly bad. Without all that, we really couldn’t appreciate when we find someone special, at least that’s what I keep telling myself. Honestly there are some really great moments in meeting someone new, while long-term relationships offer comfort and stability, dating can offer much higher highs and lower lows. I hope one day I’ll find what I’m looking for and it will be both exciting and real.
As I already mentioned, keep your profile positive. No matter how frustrated you get, your profile is no place to make demands or air your grievances. Any person who’s swiping right on that person is doing so just because the picture is hot. They are not really interested in you as a person because you probably don’t seem like that nice of a person. Unless of course they’re into self-depreciation, I guess people have their thing and sorry to judge, but eew. Posting a list of dos and don’ts will not change their behavior, so why bother. Just think of them as early warning signs to move on.
Moving on leads me to a favorite of mine, ghosting. We’re all adults here, we should treat each other with decency and respect. I’ve had some great week long conversations where things are seemingly going very well and then nothing. I once had a nice date with a girl who left for vacation, she sent me updates on the trip and a few family pics. Sadly she must have died in some horrible accident because those were the last messages I received. Most apps have an option to completely cut you off and that can make you wonder if they hit the wrong button. Sometimes I’m oblivious to what I said that triggered your PTSD and caused you to bug out. I’m left with no clue what happened and it can take days to recover. If you’re done, simply say you don’t think this will work. If you feel like it’s helpful you can give a reason, but you’re under no obligation. At that point, if they can’t take no for an answer, then you ghost….but that wouldn’t really be ghosting would it.
Online dating provides us with endless options, there’s always someone on deck with the possibility of being better. If you’re always looking ahead to the next person you can’t really focus on what’ in front of you. You have to draw the line somewhere. As the saying goes, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. You’ve made an investment in getting to know this person, you’re going to lose them and throw all that away if you try to get to know someone new. Don’t string someone along, don’t waste their time and yours, make a decision to stay or move on.
Show some interest, you should be focusing on the person you’re getting to know and you should be interested in them. I know life is busy. You should not feel like you have to respond right away, but as a general rule if you’re interested you will find a way to message within 24 hours. If you’re going to be out of pocket, then have the courtesy to let them know that it might be a few days. Maybe women are used to being chased by guys and I know some guys are relentless, I’ll make an effort but I will not chase a woman for long. If I’m initiating every conversation and doing all the work, I’ll stop and wait to gauge interest. I’m not into playing games, but this is my best indication of if it’s time to move on. If you’re not showing equal interest, you’re just wasting my time. How many other people are you talking to that you don’t miss me enough to reach out? And if you’re someone who just lets the people come to you, maybe you’re really missing out on someone who’s worth a little chasing.
Be patient, don’t over think, and don’t be too skittish. We’re new to each other, we don’t have history or depth of knowledge to fall back on when there are misunderstandings. Texting can lead to a lot of miscommunication. We’re missing all the other ques as to the tone or delivery of the message. Talking is good, but even then there’s a chance someone rattles off something without thinking. I’m particularly bad late at night when brain isn’t fully functioning. You lose the chance to read facial queues and correct something before it’s too late. It’s a great idea to ask for clarification if you think you misunderstand something. We tend to fill in the gaps with what we know, just remember this is not your ex. They are almost definitely not the same as you project them to be, good or bad. If everything else looks good, take the time to get to know someone before jumping to conclusions.
Please, please use recent, realistic pics of what you actually look like. There’s nothing worse than showing up to meet someone and they don’t meet your expectations. Sooner or later the person you’re talking to is going to see what you look like. We’re probably all unhappy with the way we look in one way or another. I’ve been online dating off and on for a long time, and I see profile pics that I recognize from 2 relationships ago. Of course younger you is typically going to look better but I’m not dating you from 5-10 years ago. No one wants to post a bad pic of themselves, but you need to be realistic. Red flags are profiles with pics with filters or only pics zoomed in closely on their face. Show what your body looks like and not just from a top down angle. Looks aren’t everything, but it’s part of the total package. People are attractive in all shapes and sizes, let someone see what you look like in advance so they can decide if you’re attractive without the in person awkwardness. Get someone to take some pics of you from a distance or at least setup a camera with a timer, selfies are not realistic.
I’ve had some real success with online dating, but ultimately I’ve failed to meet my permanent match. Obviously I don’t know it all or else I’d be off the market. These points may be universal among the sexes, but I know there are tons of other things guys do that infuriate women. I hear the negatives and rarely hear positives because what woman is going to gush about the great guys they’ve met in the past? I could tell you I’m different than most guys because I’m certainly not the kind of guy that’s been described to me, but that’s subjective. You might have to kiss a lot of frogs, but I believe you’ll eventually find what you’re searching for. I just ask that you consider these points while dating and hopefully it will make online dating less frustrating and suck a little less.
