What makes someone more horrible?
The truth? Or the avoidance of the truth?
At the beginning, I had thought I could look past all things bothersome. The multiple rings, the knocking, the stares, the comments, the frowns, the impossible expectations, the makeover attempts, the impact of her presence on my 'social life', the miscommunications, the misunderstandings, the inability to communicate fully what is bothersome...
I tried to look past and assume that this person is truly good at heart, with kind intentions and clearly just has a different perspective. I attempted to understand this perspective, all to no avail.
Creating a frustration, that when paired with all things bothersome, creates a burning well of annoyance. And considering the inability to communicate, the burning well only filled higher to overflow.
To this overflow, some react differently. I have come to terms with this, this different reaction. I react by not-reacting, in a sense. I react by cutting all directly related strings, ties, cables, what-have-you. I fully understand that others may not. I have taken that risk, knowing that it is "selfish".
But in my defense, when is the line drawn between selfishness and selflessness? Selflessness often creates resentment. Resentment adds to the burning well, and then you have a cyclic, overflowing well with no drainage system and noone to draw from it. Why should I look past all these things and sacrifice my wellbeing? Why shouldn't I do as I please, when I allow others to do the same? What's fair in selflessness?
I know enough about myself to understand that I cannot communicate properly. I have never made any attempt to conceal this flaw. And, in a way, I've done the lesser of the evils, in my opinion. Throwing the truth at her is 1. hard to take, 2. a harsh undertaking, requiring fury and bravado, as well as a gentle process, and 3. not within my jurisdiction.
Truth hurts. It may help, sometimes, but only in the sense of a greater social purpose. Example: if someone drives over the speed limit on a dangerous path, it is then okay to suggest that they revisit their decision. It betters society.
Telling someone that they oughtn't act a certain way is not always helpful. Who am *I* to tell you that you give off a hateful, stalker impression. I, perhaps, do the same. I'm certainly not perfect.
I don't expect perfection from others. If I don't like it, I should either deal with it or (hey!) avoid it.
I haven't quite mastered the art of confrontation, as well. It is my very nature to avoid that which might be difficult. I blame it on an innate sense, which I cannot always control.
Not to mention that every confrontational occurence for me seems to only hinder and create resentment. I apply too much selflessness. I take, and then I give away. I'll tell you this, then I'll blame it on myself to make you feel better. Because I'm afraid I've crossed the line and hurt your feelings.
And there's no accomplishment in that.
I'm fully aware of my misgivings. I will sometimes try to amend them, if possible, to make things better. If you had told me that I call too often, I would have taken note and stopped. If you had told me that you needed space and you weren't quite accustomed to this sort of attention, I would have stepped back.
When I told you this (and I did, perhaps you were too drunk to remember, perhaps you wrote it off because I, quel surpris, blamed it on myself for not liking the stalker treatment) I had hoped you might take note and amend. But you didn't. Things kept on the same way and I found myself in a resentful role of the rag doll. Feeling used and dependent.
The realization came when Christmas holiday, you were out of town, and my whole world was peaceful. I didn't have to worry about saying 'no' and sticking to it, I didn't have to worry about 15 phone calls, I didn't have to worry about sleeping as much as I pleased, I didn't have to think twice about leaving with anyone, I didn't have to avoid the bar because I had told you I didn't want to go and was afraid you'd still be there and would be hurt that I went without you, I didn't have to keep plans that I shouldn't have made, I didn't have to suffer through the horrible feeling of talking with a friend, all the while trying to include you in the conversation to no avail. I didn't have to worry about you finding someone to go home with so that I could go home and sleep. I didn't have to make excuses, I didn't have to deal with unpleasant resentment, I didn't have to act a certain way. I didn't miss you, at all.
And there you have it. Does that make you feel better?
I've named the majority of the things bothersome. I was honest and let you know. Do you feel as if I'm more or less a horrible person? Is that what you would have liked me to say?
I know your response: I ought to have told you these things earlier, and in private. (This is my best forum, however. I am a failure at verbal discussions. Maybe because they're two-sided and allow for stuttering.)
How would you have reacted if I said "hey! You're freaking me out and your scowling is unattractive!" or "Please don't just stare at me when I'm speaking with friends. You're frightening them away and then when they're gone, you have nothing to say."
It would have hurt you.
And I feel awful, now, for having said such things.
I would not blame you for feeling as if I'm a wretched, evil girl.
Perhaps I shouldn't have let anything have gotten this far, but with your behavior, how was I to stop it?
You called everyday. More than once.
You wanted to go out every night. If I said no, you'd push. If I gave reasons, you'd reject them. If I stood by it, you'd use guilt.
You made me feel as if I had to include you in everything I did. If I had plans to go out with someone else, you'd invite yourself along. If I made plans with a
'boyfriend', you'd tell me I was shunning you for a guy; the great friendship no-no. I felt manipulated. I'd agree to go to events, fully knowing that I didn't want to but still sacrificing my comfort for you. And you'd STILL push for more.
Enough of this, now.
I don't think you're a horrible person. I've seen parts of you that make me believe you're truly wonderful.
They simply weren't enough to merit my sacrifice of wellbeing.
I live for me. If it's selfish, oh fucking well. You make plans as YOU like. Do you feel selfish for it?
There are other arguments, I know. There's more I should have done, actions I shouldn't have or should have taken. And I'm truly sorry.
I apologize to you, now, for those things.
Perhaps we may build a better friendship out of this, perhaps not.
Maybe when the anger and resentment fades. In the meantime, I'm not spreading evil lies or laughing at you with friends. This is an unfortunate event, for which I take the blame, and I haven't made any excuses at your expense.
The truth? Or the avoidance of the truth?
At the beginning, I had thought I could look past all things bothersome. The multiple rings, the knocking, the stares, the comments, the frowns, the impossible expectations, the makeover attempts, the impact of her presence on my 'social life', the miscommunications, the misunderstandings, the inability to communicate fully what is bothersome...
I tried to look past and assume that this person is truly good at heart, with kind intentions and clearly just has a different perspective. I attempted to understand this perspective, all to no avail.
Creating a frustration, that when paired with all things bothersome, creates a burning well of annoyance. And considering the inability to communicate, the burning well only filled higher to overflow.
To this overflow, some react differently. I have come to terms with this, this different reaction. I react by not-reacting, in a sense. I react by cutting all directly related strings, ties, cables, what-have-you. I fully understand that others may not. I have taken that risk, knowing that it is "selfish".
But in my defense, when is the line drawn between selfishness and selflessness? Selflessness often creates resentment. Resentment adds to the burning well, and then you have a cyclic, overflowing well with no drainage system and noone to draw from it. Why should I look past all these things and sacrifice my wellbeing? Why shouldn't I do as I please, when I allow others to do the same? What's fair in selflessness?
I know enough about myself to understand that I cannot communicate properly. I have never made any attempt to conceal this flaw. And, in a way, I've done the lesser of the evils, in my opinion. Throwing the truth at her is 1. hard to take, 2. a harsh undertaking, requiring fury and bravado, as well as a gentle process, and 3. not within my jurisdiction.
Truth hurts. It may help, sometimes, but only in the sense of a greater social purpose. Example: if someone drives over the speed limit on a dangerous path, it is then okay to suggest that they revisit their decision. It betters society.
Telling someone that they oughtn't act a certain way is not always helpful. Who am *I* to tell you that you give off a hateful, stalker impression. I, perhaps, do the same. I'm certainly not perfect.
I don't expect perfection from others. If I don't like it, I should either deal with it or (hey!) avoid it.
I haven't quite mastered the art of confrontation, as well. It is my very nature to avoid that which might be difficult. I blame it on an innate sense, which I cannot always control.
Not to mention that every confrontational occurence for me seems to only hinder and create resentment. I apply too much selflessness. I take, and then I give away. I'll tell you this, then I'll blame it on myself to make you feel better. Because I'm afraid I've crossed the line and hurt your feelings.
And there's no accomplishment in that.
I'm fully aware of my misgivings. I will sometimes try to amend them, if possible, to make things better. If you had told me that I call too often, I would have taken note and stopped. If you had told me that you needed space and you weren't quite accustomed to this sort of attention, I would have stepped back.
When I told you this (and I did, perhaps you were too drunk to remember, perhaps you wrote it off because I, quel surpris, blamed it on myself for not liking the stalker treatment) I had hoped you might take note and amend. But you didn't. Things kept on the same way and I found myself in a resentful role of the rag doll. Feeling used and dependent.
The realization came when Christmas holiday, you were out of town, and my whole world was peaceful. I didn't have to worry about saying 'no' and sticking to it, I didn't have to worry about 15 phone calls, I didn't have to worry about sleeping as much as I pleased, I didn't have to think twice about leaving with anyone, I didn't have to avoid the bar because I had told you I didn't want to go and was afraid you'd still be there and would be hurt that I went without you, I didn't have to keep plans that I shouldn't have made, I didn't have to suffer through the horrible feeling of talking with a friend, all the while trying to include you in the conversation to no avail. I didn't have to worry about you finding someone to go home with so that I could go home and sleep. I didn't have to make excuses, I didn't have to deal with unpleasant resentment, I didn't have to act a certain way. I didn't miss you, at all.
And there you have it. Does that make you feel better?
I've named the majority of the things bothersome. I was honest and let you know. Do you feel as if I'm more or less a horrible person? Is that what you would have liked me to say?
I know your response: I ought to have told you these things earlier, and in private. (This is my best forum, however. I am a failure at verbal discussions. Maybe because they're two-sided and allow for stuttering.)
How would you have reacted if I said "hey! You're freaking me out and your scowling is unattractive!" or "Please don't just stare at me when I'm speaking with friends. You're frightening them away and then when they're gone, you have nothing to say."
It would have hurt you.
And I feel awful, now, for having said such things.
I would not blame you for feeling as if I'm a wretched, evil girl.
Perhaps I shouldn't have let anything have gotten this far, but with your behavior, how was I to stop it?
You called everyday. More than once.
You wanted to go out every night. If I said no, you'd push. If I gave reasons, you'd reject them. If I stood by it, you'd use guilt.
You made me feel as if I had to include you in everything I did. If I had plans to go out with someone else, you'd invite yourself along. If I made plans with a
'boyfriend', you'd tell me I was shunning you for a guy; the great friendship no-no. I felt manipulated. I'd agree to go to events, fully knowing that I didn't want to but still sacrificing my comfort for you. And you'd STILL push for more.
Enough of this, now.
I don't think you're a horrible person. I've seen parts of you that make me believe you're truly wonderful.
They simply weren't enough to merit my sacrifice of wellbeing.
I live for me. If it's selfish, oh fucking well. You make plans as YOU like. Do you feel selfish for it?
There are other arguments, I know. There's more I should have done, actions I shouldn't have or should have taken. And I'm truly sorry.
I apologize to you, now, for those things.
Perhaps we may build a better friendship out of this, perhaps not.
Maybe when the anger and resentment fades. In the meantime, I'm not spreading evil lies or laughing at you with friends. This is an unfortunate event, for which I take the blame, and I haven't made any excuses at your expense.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
peace