KINDS OF NON-TIPPERS
-THE DOUCHE
This guy we've all seen many of times. No pleases. No thank you's. Doesnt pretend to be nice. Just orders, leaves no tip, no excuse, goes home, and sleeps just fine. I actually prefer these over the rest of the people on this list. If you're going to be a douche, just be the douche that you are, and don't pretend you're not.
-THE PITY PARTY
These are the ass holes that think telling you how terrible there life is will make you feel better about not being able to pay your rent. "sorry, i cant afford to tip you. i just got fired, my girlfriend dumped me, landlord evicted me, my cars on fire, and my dog was hit by a train and is in the vet. also i stubbed my toe and think i have to pay a doctor to look for cuticle damage". They just hope we'll feel bad enough for them that we not only wont care they're stiffing us, but maybe we'll buy them some pity drinks too.
-THE LIFE COACH
These ass holes are the worst of the worst. Usually with tabs, they will spend all night being your best damn friend. They'll ask your name, and yell it all night long. They'll tell you you're doing an amazing job. Tell other people around them you're the best bartender in the world. Every drink deserves a high five. All smiles, all thank you's, and then when it's time to tab out, NOTHING!!!! Thank you's arn't currency jerk off, and they don't pay the bills!
-THE CASSIUS CLATER
Very simple, and very douchey. These are the people that will take all their change that could easily be a tip and say, "I'll get you next time bro" or "i'll be sure to tip you later". Eat a dick. I'm no dummy. I'd rather you were just a strait up stiffing douche than a lying little fake fuck.
-THE QUARTERBACK
The name says it all. These are the jerks that will give you $3 for a $2.75 beer, and stand there open palmed waiting for you to put the quarter in their hand. A word of advice. DO NOT put the quarter back in their hand. Dropped next to their hand, tossed into their chest, or awkwardly placed in front of someone else at the bar are much better ways to return their much anticipated quarter.
-JEW-DINI
These are those wastes of oxygen that will roll or wad up the exact amount their drink costs so that they may hand it to you and escape before you unfold it and realize that they don't feel your services are worth any money. Try to remember these guys, and if they ever pay with a bigger bill and need change, make sure to crumple it up as tightly as you can before giving it to them.
-THE TRICKY DICK
These premeditating, penny pinching, cock suckers are the people that will tab out and write CASH under your tip space on the receipt, but there will be no cash to be found. These jerks write cash, and hope that you won't see it till the end of the night, and you will think that they actually did leave cash and take care or you. This is not only stingy, it's fucking insulting. You're not fooling anyone, and I will call you out and embarrass the shit out of you if given the opportunity.
Finally we need to make mention of the people that pay cash all night, stiff all night, but tip at the end. These people do not fall under the category "non-tipper" but need to be addressed and called out nonetheless. If you keep buying drinks and not tipping, we, as bartenders, have no idea you are going to tip us at the end. That's NOT HOW THINGS WORK. The word TIPS is an acronym. To Insure Prompt Service. This means you tip at the beginning or as you go. I'm not greedy. I don't need tons of money. However if you do not take care of me, i will not take care of you. Tip your bartenders people. It will make your drinking experience all the more pleasant.
-THE DOUCHE
This guy we've all seen many of times. No pleases. No thank you's. Doesnt pretend to be nice. Just orders, leaves no tip, no excuse, goes home, and sleeps just fine. I actually prefer these over the rest of the people on this list. If you're going to be a douche, just be the douche that you are, and don't pretend you're not.
-THE PITY PARTY
These are the ass holes that think telling you how terrible there life is will make you feel better about not being able to pay your rent. "sorry, i cant afford to tip you. i just got fired, my girlfriend dumped me, landlord evicted me, my cars on fire, and my dog was hit by a train and is in the vet. also i stubbed my toe and think i have to pay a doctor to look for cuticle damage". They just hope we'll feel bad enough for them that we not only wont care they're stiffing us, but maybe we'll buy them some pity drinks too.
-THE LIFE COACH
These ass holes are the worst of the worst. Usually with tabs, they will spend all night being your best damn friend. They'll ask your name, and yell it all night long. They'll tell you you're doing an amazing job. Tell other people around them you're the best bartender in the world. Every drink deserves a high five. All smiles, all thank you's, and then when it's time to tab out, NOTHING!!!! Thank you's arn't currency jerk off, and they don't pay the bills!
-THE CASSIUS CLATER
Very simple, and very douchey. These are the people that will take all their change that could easily be a tip and say, "I'll get you next time bro" or "i'll be sure to tip you later". Eat a dick. I'm no dummy. I'd rather you were just a strait up stiffing douche than a lying little fake fuck.
-THE QUARTERBACK
The name says it all. These are the jerks that will give you $3 for a $2.75 beer, and stand there open palmed waiting for you to put the quarter in their hand. A word of advice. DO NOT put the quarter back in their hand. Dropped next to their hand, tossed into their chest, or awkwardly placed in front of someone else at the bar are much better ways to return their much anticipated quarter.
-JEW-DINI
These are those wastes of oxygen that will roll or wad up the exact amount their drink costs so that they may hand it to you and escape before you unfold it and realize that they don't feel your services are worth any money. Try to remember these guys, and if they ever pay with a bigger bill and need change, make sure to crumple it up as tightly as you can before giving it to them.
-THE TRICKY DICK
These premeditating, penny pinching, cock suckers are the people that will tab out and write CASH under your tip space on the receipt, but there will be no cash to be found. These jerks write cash, and hope that you won't see it till the end of the night, and you will think that they actually did leave cash and take care or you. This is not only stingy, it's fucking insulting. You're not fooling anyone, and I will call you out and embarrass the shit out of you if given the opportunity.
Finally we need to make mention of the people that pay cash all night, stiff all night, but tip at the end. These people do not fall under the category "non-tipper" but need to be addressed and called out nonetheless. If you keep buying drinks and not tipping, we, as bartenders, have no idea you are going to tip us at the end. That's NOT HOW THINGS WORK. The word TIPS is an acronym. To Insure Prompt Service. This means you tip at the beginning or as you go. I'm not greedy. I don't need tons of money. However if you do not take care of me, i will not take care of you. Tip your bartenders people. It will make your drinking experience all the more pleasant.