Hey guys, sorry for the long absence. Issues, including the boyfriend smashing up the computer. He just now got a new one.
I haven't decided if I want to continue with this journal anymore or not. To confess in full truth, I only started this up because it was something my boyfriend did-another of my ill tactics to keep him loving me. I despise it. With nothing to do all day since he doesn't need a job, he surely prowls each girls' photosets, absorbing each luscious curve, piercing, tattoo, and fetish these pinup girls have...and that I don't. I didn't care at all when he first joined, but something changed along the way.
I fear telling him how things like this make me feel. He always thinks every jealous emotion I confide in him is because of him cheating on me that one time. He gets angry, saying I'm still punishing him, that I havn't forgiven him and now he's trapped as the bad guy. So I stay silent when it hurts now.
Jealousy is new for me, unique to our post-cheating ordeal. I was so proud to say how different he's made me feel than any other guy. Although that statement is still valid, I dont smile while saying it anymore. I hate and love the way he makes me feel. I was addicted to him, and now the addiction has turned sour.
A phase that will pass on, a test, strengthening of relationship....I pray these hopeful thoughts. I want to recluse so badly, more each day but I keep trying to take things lightheartedly. He has pulled away from me already, possibly unaware of his new actions. I fear he will leave me soon. I ask him why he loves me, why he stays with me...no answer. But, I know it anyways, it is because I love him. When things started going downhill, I had trouble believing his "I love you", but that has resolved itself. He simply quit saying it.
A horse with a broken leg is layed down to rest, and yet I am supposed to heal and keep going. But I would not. I would not find anyone else, the fear of these despairing emotions finding me again through another man. I don't fear him reading this anymore, he's deleted me off his friends list. And I shall not tell him I've resumed.
Although, one good thing came of this site. I've met some interesting people, and I'm thankful for your friendship and support.
.:~*Niav*~:.
I haven't decided if I want to continue with this journal anymore or not. To confess in full truth, I only started this up because it was something my boyfriend did-another of my ill tactics to keep him loving me. I despise it. With nothing to do all day since he doesn't need a job, he surely prowls each girls' photosets, absorbing each luscious curve, piercing, tattoo, and fetish these pinup girls have...and that I don't. I didn't care at all when he first joined, but something changed along the way.
I fear telling him how things like this make me feel. He always thinks every jealous emotion I confide in him is because of him cheating on me that one time. He gets angry, saying I'm still punishing him, that I havn't forgiven him and now he's trapped as the bad guy. So I stay silent when it hurts now.
Jealousy is new for me, unique to our post-cheating ordeal. I was so proud to say how different he's made me feel than any other guy. Although that statement is still valid, I dont smile while saying it anymore. I hate and love the way he makes me feel. I was addicted to him, and now the addiction has turned sour.
A phase that will pass on, a test, strengthening of relationship....I pray these hopeful thoughts. I want to recluse so badly, more each day but I keep trying to take things lightheartedly. He has pulled away from me already, possibly unaware of his new actions. I fear he will leave me soon. I ask him why he loves me, why he stays with me...no answer. But, I know it anyways, it is because I love him. When things started going downhill, I had trouble believing his "I love you", but that has resolved itself. He simply quit saying it.
A horse with a broken leg is layed down to rest, and yet I am supposed to heal and keep going. But I would not. I would not find anyone else, the fear of these despairing emotions finding me again through another man. I don't fear him reading this anymore, he's deleted me off his friends list. And I shall not tell him I've resumed.
Although, one good thing came of this site. I've met some interesting people, and I'm thankful for your friendship and support.
.:~*Niav*~:.
I feel for you, girl. Hate to see you down in a bad place.
Seriously, I'd tell him how you feel and try to get thru to him.
The issue should be resolved - he cares about your happiness too, right? Then he should care about solving a problem between you guys. That's my two cents anyway.
Good to see you here again! I missed ya, wondered if you'd forgotten about us..