nexusdog

OK, I know that under the circumstances, I'm probably not thinking straight, but that's part of the problem these days, being able to function, which between us, I feel like my ability to deal with life, function without having my issues screw me up all the time, being scared, fucked up... call it what you want.

I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I don't want to tell people around me that my will to live is ebbing fast, that even with two kids I should try to think of - their future, I can't even find solace in them. I end up crying when I think about them, I can't face them when I'm feeling like this. And yes, the feeling has come back... simply put, I can't deal with it, I can't cope and that's on top of my regular shit.

So this is it, this is my admission, my confession. My will to live seems to have evaporated, has been going for quite a while now, gets worse each time the depression hits... overwhelms me. If I can't function soon, I'll be of no use to anyone - and right now, I don't think I am able to function. I wish I could be strong for my kids... but I can't, I can't look after myself.

I don't know how much longer I can last, simple as that. Not my love for my children makes any difference to my state of mind, I just see a pointless existence, in solitude, away from my kids.

I won't even go into how I feel about myself, let's just say I'm fucked. Big time.

So, I'm sorry, sorry I couldn't be there. Sorry this beat me. Sorry for letting him beat me into this condition and not standing up for myself. Sorry for what will happen to my children. Sorry for letting everyone down who's tried to help. Sorry for being fucked up and never good enough, being judgemental and demanding and not even realising or acknowledging it.

I just want this to end, I can't keep going on like this. I'm sorry.