nexusdog

Major downer
Firefox just ate my super long entry. Again. I'm just about through with this piece of fucking shit keep doing this to me. So much energy and heart and soul went into that entry and to have it eaten again is just soul destroying.

What did I have to say? When it gets down to it, does it really matter - is my daughter going to be able to read this when she's in her teens or older, or will this site and these blogs be deleted and long gone? Does it really matter?

I wrote about how important it was to have Marcus as my friend, the one guy who's stood by me, accepted me, pulled me through a breakdown without judging me or bailing out on me like other people who I'd called friends did just that.

That I spent the day at his place with my daughter, having a great time, being at peace and feeling comfortable with him, no pressure, nothing... just acceptance. It's a strange feeling to be so... sure that this guy is genuine and human, whereas a lot of the people who I classed as friends did nothing or just bolted. They couldn't face what it was like to see someone go to pieces when mental illness affects someone firsthand.

I also wrote that my daughter had a great time after she felt comfortable and settled into playing with Marcus's kids, so she had a good day, got to mix with other kids and got out of being with her mother and another boring day there. We had tea there with his family and she actually ate with the kids - something she's not doing a lot of these days, apart from when with my mum, who seems to be spending more time looking after her than my ex-wife.

Me, I'm still in this limbo world where I can just about cope if I ignore the majority of what life is all about. So I need to try to grasp those moments when things are good or at least normal moments without Anhedonia becoming the normal way of looking at life. But that's not something easy to do when you've got 40 years of one way of learning how life and people treat you and having your self esteem destroyed when you're a child.

And yes, there was more, lots more. About how She has affected not only my life, my self worth but that of my family, of how my daughter is now suffering because of the marriage breakup - oddly enough, not something I'm willing to pin the blame on Her for, but her overall behaviour, actions and intentions. I want Karma to catch up with her and bite her on her ass and I want to be there and look into her face and see the pain and hurt so I know that she can remember how she's done it to others.

And yet, I'm screwed because of unconditional love... go do your homework on that one, cos I'm all out of trying to explain it over and over and having it kill me every day until finally enough time has passed that I've managed to forget her to a stage where I can try and regain some sort of self esteem and life of my own without Her ripping my heart out and remembering things about her which make me love her so much.

There was more, so much more and technology ripped it apart, just as She ripped my heart apart. Ironic that the two should meet...

Now my daughter has woken up and wants me to go to bed, to keep her company, so my duty lies elsewhere. Noodle has buggered off somewhere, or collapsed in a drunken heap - but thanks for the chat anyway, it was a bit weird, first time and all. Maybe those files will get to you one day - you have some similarities to Her, though i won't hold it against you, don't know you enough to make too many judgements.

So I wanted to be meaningful, instead we get highlights.

Could I just instead have a life free of forced introspection and introversion, please? I want to get out there, I want to be free of the prison of my own mind. Is that too much to ask?