Things about me...
1. I suffer with depression - 30 year battle, still ongoing
2. I've just had my second nervous breakdown; acute reactive depression, as my doc put it. I don't do stress very well, so it seems.
3. I have a daughter 3, a son 1. This past year, I've missed out on their development due to this illness
4. I have told one lie in my profile. I just don't care though, it's trivial.
5. I fell in love, instigated a divorce and got dumped big time all in the space of 5 months. It tore me apart and left me utterly devastated.
6. I am now signed up to misanthropes group because people suck.
7. I signed up to dating sucks because women fuck me over all the time.
8. I signed up to the break up club, as per number 7
9. With the exception of my profile, I never lie and am emotionally honest to the point where it gets me hurt constantly. I can't help it, it's how I was brought up.
10. My father never laid a finger on me, but conducted a reign of psychological torture on me throughout my childhood and fucked me over emotionally for the rest of my life.
11. I held his hand when he finally died. He gave me no closure, never once told me he loved me, never validated me.
12. I miss human contact, intimate relationships and want a partner... but after this year, I am more terrified of meeting someone than ever before in my life.
13. I have self esteem issues - like, wtf is it, can I have some and does it come in a rub on lotion?
14. I can't drink; i.e. teetotal due to all these fucking drugs. However, having spent 3 years as an alcoholic is a shit marriage, can't say I really miss it and anyway, it makes me depressed and fucks up the effects of my meds.
15. Despite repeated attempts and near encounters, I've never been able to kill myself or be even remotely injured in a serious way.
16 I don't believe in religion, nor god although when I was at my lowest, I prayed so hard and got nothing back except more depressed and ill. God foresakes me, the evidence is obvious.
17 I've lost my house, my marriage (no loss, my apologies), regular contact with my children, my sanity, girlfriend, friends and a whole shit load of normal stuff in this past 7 months and I've got nothing to show for it apart from this site.
18. Besides the depression, I suffer from insomnia and a fuck off bad back which keeps me in a state of constant agony and a lack of ability to concentrate. I also seem to have a short term memory problem.
19. I'm a good guy, that's why I'm getting all this fucking shit.
20 I can't remember what the fuck it was I needed to put on my shopping list.
Now I'm startin to feel tired but I don't want to be now.... fuck. And I've got the hots for Fenoodle, sorry
21. I got married out of fear, a fear of being alone, one which said in my mind, this is as good as it gets. That was circa 1998. By 2001 I knew I was paying dearly for letting my fear consume me and led to one of the worse decisions of my life.
22. Despite the marriage, I have 2 lovely children and a daughter whom I've bonded with - a remarkable feat considering I was terrified of becoming a bad father... I can't be doing that bad because my children, especially my daughter, absolutely adore me, and I them.
23. I don't talk about my son much because there is a lot of emotional screwiness tied up in his conception and his first year was hell compared to our daughter. Plus, by the time he came along, the marriage and my state of mind was so despondent, it wasn't the joyous occasion it should have been. Now though, he's developing fantastically and since turning 1, getting a real personality and turning into a character. I wish my own health meant I had more time for him, something I regret but try to put out of my mind otherwise I'll end up on one massive guilt trip on top of the ones I've already got.
Milk, chocolate biscuits I got, the thing I forgot was the powdered chocolate drink.... rats.
24. '95 - '97 studied to be a counsellor, got my qualifications but always felt like a fake and the theories offered in those days didn't sit well with my ideologies - I was into TA & wanted to learn more about CBT but there were no bolt on courses available during those years. I've experienced and met too many flakes and charlatans in the counselling world to be comfortable with it per se. Yes, there are some damned good people who take to it really well, but there are those who slip through the process and should never, ever be in a position to deal with vulnerable people, ever.
25. Favourite track these days is Gayatri Mantra by Deva Premal, followed by Bohemian Like You by Dandy Warhols and Who Said Open Up - Planet Funk/Lydon mix. Oh, there are others, but those are currently at the foremost of my mind.
26. Falling in love is like touching an angel; everything else falls away and I'm left feeling euphoric and at peace. But it scares me because I doubt myself and my self esteem issues usually screw things up, so I hate being in love because I end up like Icarus.
1. I suffer with depression - 30 year battle, still ongoing
2. I've just had my second nervous breakdown; acute reactive depression, as my doc put it. I don't do stress very well, so it seems.
3. I have a daughter 3, a son 1. This past year, I've missed out on their development due to this illness
4. I have told one lie in my profile. I just don't care though, it's trivial.
5. I fell in love, instigated a divorce and got dumped big time all in the space of 5 months. It tore me apart and left me utterly devastated.
6. I am now signed up to misanthropes group because people suck.
7. I signed up to dating sucks because women fuck me over all the time.
8. I signed up to the break up club, as per number 7
9. With the exception of my profile, I never lie and am emotionally honest to the point where it gets me hurt constantly. I can't help it, it's how I was brought up.
10. My father never laid a finger on me, but conducted a reign of psychological torture on me throughout my childhood and fucked me over emotionally for the rest of my life.
11. I held his hand when he finally died. He gave me no closure, never once told me he loved me, never validated me.
12. I miss human contact, intimate relationships and want a partner... but after this year, I am more terrified of meeting someone than ever before in my life.
13. I have self esteem issues - like, wtf is it, can I have some and does it come in a rub on lotion?
14. I can't drink; i.e. teetotal due to all these fucking drugs. However, having spent 3 years as an alcoholic is a shit marriage, can't say I really miss it and anyway, it makes me depressed and fucks up the effects of my meds.
15. Despite repeated attempts and near encounters, I've never been able to kill myself or be even remotely injured in a serious way.
16 I don't believe in religion, nor god although when I was at my lowest, I prayed so hard and got nothing back except more depressed and ill. God foresakes me, the evidence is obvious.
17 I've lost my house, my marriage (no loss, my apologies), regular contact with my children, my sanity, girlfriend, friends and a whole shit load of normal stuff in this past 7 months and I've got nothing to show for it apart from this site.
18. Besides the depression, I suffer from insomnia and a fuck off bad back which keeps me in a state of constant agony and a lack of ability to concentrate. I also seem to have a short term memory problem.
19. I'm a good guy, that's why I'm getting all this fucking shit.
20 I can't remember what the fuck it was I needed to put on my shopping list.
Now I'm startin to feel tired but I don't want to be now.... fuck. And I've got the hots for Fenoodle, sorry
21. I got married out of fear, a fear of being alone, one which said in my mind, this is as good as it gets. That was circa 1998. By 2001 I knew I was paying dearly for letting my fear consume me and led to one of the worse decisions of my life.
22. Despite the marriage, I have 2 lovely children and a daughter whom I've bonded with - a remarkable feat considering I was terrified of becoming a bad father... I can't be doing that bad because my children, especially my daughter, absolutely adore me, and I them.
23. I don't talk about my son much because there is a lot of emotional screwiness tied up in his conception and his first year was hell compared to our daughter. Plus, by the time he came along, the marriage and my state of mind was so despondent, it wasn't the joyous occasion it should have been. Now though, he's developing fantastically and since turning 1, getting a real personality and turning into a character. I wish my own health meant I had more time for him, something I regret but try to put out of my mind otherwise I'll end up on one massive guilt trip on top of the ones I've already got.
Milk, chocolate biscuits I got, the thing I forgot was the powdered chocolate drink.... rats.
24. '95 - '97 studied to be a counsellor, got my qualifications but always felt like a fake and the theories offered in those days didn't sit well with my ideologies - I was into TA & wanted to learn more about CBT but there were no bolt on courses available during those years. I've experienced and met too many flakes and charlatans in the counselling world to be comfortable with it per se. Yes, there are some damned good people who take to it really well, but there are those who slip through the process and should never, ever be in a position to deal with vulnerable people, ever.
25. Favourite track these days is Gayatri Mantra by Deva Premal, followed by Bohemian Like You by Dandy Warhols and Who Said Open Up - Planet Funk/Lydon mix. Oh, there are others, but those are currently at the foremost of my mind.
26. Falling in love is like touching an angel; everything else falls away and I'm left feeling euphoric and at peace. But it scares me because I doubt myself and my self esteem issues usually screw things up, so I hate being in love because I end up like Icarus.