Simple things please me, so some improvement! Monday, got to see my son - just turned 1 and turning into a character at last. He's got a wicked grin and now he's becoming aware of his world, it's made up for the hard work of his first difficult year.
He recognises words and faces and his face lights up when you talk and laugh with him. It makes a huge difference from how the poor mite has had it up til these past few months. It does leave me with a big grin now he's got a personality. Very simple pleasure, but well worth the hard work we had to endure while he got better.
My daughter is coping better, though nursery staff say she's grieving and doesn't understand the breakup and everything surrounding why I moved out, etc. That's painful to deal with, but hopefully we'll all pull through with time. It's hard to accept she's suffering through my actions, but being realistic, it was the only option available to me otherwise live a life of misery and turning into a complete monster. Or, depending on who you speak to, an even bigger monster than I am already.
Yes, where I am and have been since the summer hasn't been a nice place. Multiple trips to GP and a host of other specialists to try and get me through this latest bout of depression has left me, and I don't mean to be a master of understatement, rather ragged emotionally, physically and mentally.
It's a shit place to be, one that I've not been able to get to grips with many a time, but when this damned illness takes a hold, there's no way of stopping it, it has to run it's course; pretty much like any other illness I guess - you can't stop yourself from getting over the effects of flu, for example, once you've caught it.
On the issue of low points because of it, people who I regarded as friends and respected have turned their back on me; either because they've been scared or fear me/my condition or just ain't got the backbone to face me. I've been ostrasized, sent to coventry, call it what you will, but there are less people in my life now who I can say I am close to than I was 6 months ago. That's the reality of depression, bad medication and a whole screwed up year to date.
I knew it would be bad, but my coping skills and support network crumbled spectacularly during the time it took for this illness and my life events to turn everything on it's head and me having to start from scratch again. Not a nice place to be at the best of times, but so many issues were going on at once, I just ended up an emotional wreck, big time.
So far, not much fun or funky stuff going on really... that's the nature of the beast right now - depression fucks you up and you have very little control over it's effects unless you get good med and a support network to help you through it. Take those away and well, life really is hell until you can get through the effects one way or another. Or, without being dramatic, die trying.
Things are looking up, with a few exceptions. Got a shit load of washing up to do, ain't been able to face it. Starting to take an interest in food again instead of cravings for chocolate and an urge to get pissed and subsequently even more depressed because of the alcohol screwing up the medication effectiveness. Lauging a bit more, but feel like it's the laughter of a maniac!
Appreciating being at work, well kinda, for human contact again and finding that some people still regard me as human enough to care and give me their time. That makes a difference now I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and narrowly missing several oncoming trains in the process, just surviving being clipped once or twice where I wasn't quick enough to get out of the way.
Some support structures I'd built up online have been closed down, some in spectacularly awful circumstances and with major fallout, but right now, I feel more positive and have to accept that those things have passed and what's done is done. Despite attempts to state my case, defend my self and actions as being fuelled by this illness, that just doesn't hold any water with some people - a recurring theme - and being judged by people who don't know me or understand my particular flavour of depression and how it affected me, has left me shook up.
Then again, if I were an onlooker, I'd probably react the same way because I can't say my actions have always been reasonable or sane or sensible... far from it in some instances, but again, it's what happens to me when this bloody illness and life events take it's toll on me.
Simple pleasures right now for me; sleeping - uninterrupted sleep for a decent amount of hours. Finally seem to be getting past the insomnia and settling down again. The problem is waking up and knowing and feeling in absolute pain because of my leg and back. Still waking at around 5-6am but going to bed earlier (before midnight) means I get a chance to recharge. Didn't realise just how much of an effect it was having on me.
Second pleasure is food, though still a way to go on that one. I lost over a stone in weight and lost all appetite. Hell of a way to diet, and yes, I'm kinda grateful to be able to look down and see my toes again!
Third pleasure is beginning to appreciate people and company once more, especially my children and my mum... I've missed them all and now my anxiety level has stabilised, I hope to rebuild that area of my life as time goes on.
Forth pleasure, feeling positive for a change. Perhaps due to meds or just a natural shift in the depressive cycle. Either way, I'm thinking more sensibly - starting with the .plan to get out of this cycle of renting I'm currently in. Six month contract at this place, then considering moving in with my mum to build up finances and start thinking of saving for a place to buy... even with the market prices as they are. I figure with my current financial situation being what it is, it'll take me a year to get myself in the black again.
Right now though, financial survival isn't happening! Can't afford to panic over that one, I'm doing all I can to set things in motion to deal with the serious stuff. It's just that I still have a frivolous streak that needs sating.
Do I wish I could be cool and groovy and funky right now, to warrant my existence here on SG? Yeah, but right at this moment, at 06.43am on this soggy Wednesday morning, 19th October 2005, I'm trying my best to survive physically, mentally and emotionally. It's hard work and stressful and not what I'd like to be writing - I'd like to say what a cool life I've got etc, but considering I'm nearly twice the average age of people here, where I'm coming from is going to be totally alien for most.
Get past the age thing, the midlife crisis, the seven year itch cliche of my marriage and figure out whether the person has any worth. Otherwise, join the ranks of the conformists and curtain twitchers we aim to despise, let them find comfort in their dull, tedious little lives and let some of us try to figure out how best to deal with the anger of repression and just try to be ourselves, no matter what time in our lives we find, and want, liberation from convention.
To everyone on SG, carry on with what you're doing - conformity and convention are mind killers, you follow your hearts, fuck the soulless death of suburbia and safe, staid living.
Go for it, grab it with both hands and make sure you have the courage of your convictions. Carpe diem, indeed.
He recognises words and faces and his face lights up when you talk and laugh with him. It makes a huge difference from how the poor mite has had it up til these past few months. It does leave me with a big grin now he's got a personality. Very simple pleasure, but well worth the hard work we had to endure while he got better.
My daughter is coping better, though nursery staff say she's grieving and doesn't understand the breakup and everything surrounding why I moved out, etc. That's painful to deal with, but hopefully we'll all pull through with time. It's hard to accept she's suffering through my actions, but being realistic, it was the only option available to me otherwise live a life of misery and turning into a complete monster. Or, depending on who you speak to, an even bigger monster than I am already.
Yes, where I am and have been since the summer hasn't been a nice place. Multiple trips to GP and a host of other specialists to try and get me through this latest bout of depression has left me, and I don't mean to be a master of understatement, rather ragged emotionally, physically and mentally.
It's a shit place to be, one that I've not been able to get to grips with many a time, but when this damned illness takes a hold, there's no way of stopping it, it has to run it's course; pretty much like any other illness I guess - you can't stop yourself from getting over the effects of flu, for example, once you've caught it.
On the issue of low points because of it, people who I regarded as friends and respected have turned their back on me; either because they've been scared or fear me/my condition or just ain't got the backbone to face me. I've been ostrasized, sent to coventry, call it what you will, but there are less people in my life now who I can say I am close to than I was 6 months ago. That's the reality of depression, bad medication and a whole screwed up year to date.
I knew it would be bad, but my coping skills and support network crumbled spectacularly during the time it took for this illness and my life events to turn everything on it's head and me having to start from scratch again. Not a nice place to be at the best of times, but so many issues were going on at once, I just ended up an emotional wreck, big time.
So far, not much fun or funky stuff going on really... that's the nature of the beast right now - depression fucks you up and you have very little control over it's effects unless you get good med and a support network to help you through it. Take those away and well, life really is hell until you can get through the effects one way or another. Or, without being dramatic, die trying.
Things are looking up, with a few exceptions. Got a shit load of washing up to do, ain't been able to face it. Starting to take an interest in food again instead of cravings for chocolate and an urge to get pissed and subsequently even more depressed because of the alcohol screwing up the medication effectiveness. Lauging a bit more, but feel like it's the laughter of a maniac!
Appreciating being at work, well kinda, for human contact again and finding that some people still regard me as human enough to care and give me their time. That makes a difference now I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and narrowly missing several oncoming trains in the process, just surviving being clipped once or twice where I wasn't quick enough to get out of the way.
Some support structures I'd built up online have been closed down, some in spectacularly awful circumstances and with major fallout, but right now, I feel more positive and have to accept that those things have passed and what's done is done. Despite attempts to state my case, defend my self and actions as being fuelled by this illness, that just doesn't hold any water with some people - a recurring theme - and being judged by people who don't know me or understand my particular flavour of depression and how it affected me, has left me shook up.
Then again, if I were an onlooker, I'd probably react the same way because I can't say my actions have always been reasonable or sane or sensible... far from it in some instances, but again, it's what happens to me when this bloody illness and life events take it's toll on me.
Simple pleasures right now for me; sleeping - uninterrupted sleep for a decent amount of hours. Finally seem to be getting past the insomnia and settling down again. The problem is waking up and knowing and feeling in absolute pain because of my leg and back. Still waking at around 5-6am but going to bed earlier (before midnight) means I get a chance to recharge. Didn't realise just how much of an effect it was having on me.
Second pleasure is food, though still a way to go on that one. I lost over a stone in weight and lost all appetite. Hell of a way to diet, and yes, I'm kinda grateful to be able to look down and see my toes again!
Third pleasure is beginning to appreciate people and company once more, especially my children and my mum... I've missed them all and now my anxiety level has stabilised, I hope to rebuild that area of my life as time goes on.
Forth pleasure, feeling positive for a change. Perhaps due to meds or just a natural shift in the depressive cycle. Either way, I'm thinking more sensibly - starting with the .plan to get out of this cycle of renting I'm currently in. Six month contract at this place, then considering moving in with my mum to build up finances and start thinking of saving for a place to buy... even with the market prices as they are. I figure with my current financial situation being what it is, it'll take me a year to get myself in the black again.
Right now though, financial survival isn't happening! Can't afford to panic over that one, I'm doing all I can to set things in motion to deal with the serious stuff. It's just that I still have a frivolous streak that needs sating.
Do I wish I could be cool and groovy and funky right now, to warrant my existence here on SG? Yeah, but right at this moment, at 06.43am on this soggy Wednesday morning, 19th October 2005, I'm trying my best to survive physically, mentally and emotionally. It's hard work and stressful and not what I'd like to be writing - I'd like to say what a cool life I've got etc, but considering I'm nearly twice the average age of people here, where I'm coming from is going to be totally alien for most.
Get past the age thing, the midlife crisis, the seven year itch cliche of my marriage and figure out whether the person has any worth. Otherwise, join the ranks of the conformists and curtain twitchers we aim to despise, let them find comfort in their dull, tedious little lives and let some of us try to figure out how best to deal with the anger of repression and just try to be ourselves, no matter what time in our lives we find, and want, liberation from convention.
To everyone on SG, carry on with what you're doing - conformity and convention are mind killers, you follow your hearts, fuck the soulless death of suburbia and safe, staid living.
Go for it, grab it with both hands and make sure you have the courage of your convictions. Carpe diem, indeed.