nessy

You know you have those days when you realize what you're really worth. You have days when you would get out of bed, but you can't find a reason. You want so much to be happy and to be able to function around people, but you just can't seem to get the darkness out of your mind. You realize that you could be standing in a room full of people you know and love, and still be lonelier than ever. You so want to be with them, to experience the joy of living, to let them know who you really are. But you can't, because even you don't know who you really are, and even if you did, you probably wouldn't like yourself. You realize you have secrets that you could never tell anyone, even if you wanted to. And worse than that, you realize that your situation is not unique. You wish you were alone in this, but you know that others around you deal with it every day, and you are just one of the crowd.
It's times like these you realize that even if you had never existed, life would still be going on for everyone around you. Did you ever see that movie, It's a Wonderful Life? George Bailey finds out that his life meant so much to many people, that the world would've been so different without him. It's not that way in real life. People continue life, whether you're in theirs or not. And even if it were different, there's no angel here to take away the illusion that your life doesn't change anything. It's reality versus illusion, and which one would you rather live with? The one where you're happy living a lie, or the one where you see the world and yourself as it is, and know that there's nothing you can do?
It's times like these when you look back on the good times and wonder where they went to. You get that sinking feeling inside you as you realize that the times you loved are dead, and all that's left are the memories. You look across the room and see someone you love, but you could never pull yourself to show it, no matter how small an action it is, because you see the reality of your own vulnerability. You hear people telling you that you're strong and that they believe in you, but you can't see past your faults and you know inside you that those who appear strongest are the ones who choose to hide their insecurities, and are therefore the most insecure of all. Not talking about it may not help, and yet talking doesn't do anything. Nothing can ever remove the reality of your situation.
You realize that the things you always counted on aren't there. The people you always counted on have left you, when you needed them most. You wonder if it was something that you did and you blame yourself even more for the ones that let you fall. You know that somewhere along the line you let go of the things that used to matter to you. Now, even if you went back, they're meaningless. You've reached a new era, and you don't like what you see. What you see is the deeper side of yourself. And so you become even quieter, even more recluse, as you struggle to hide your problems from the world. There's nothing they can do; there's nothing you can do. That's just the way things are at times like these.
Times like these, you realize what you want. Most days, it's just a long hug, or a common sigh to say "I know you don't feel your best, but I'm here WITH you, even if you don't want me to be there FOR you." Times like these, when you just beat yourself against the head and wonder why you go through this... And then you remember that you chose this path a long time ago.