nessagirl

So i sit here after another long day at work; sad, exhausted, and contemplative. The past few weeks have been a wake up call and a good lesson in life. This now i guess gives me an opportunity to share with you what's been going on and what's been on the mind. But first i will warn you, that you might find yourself in this blog you might not but either way here it goes. From this though i need no criticism nor judgement. Alrighty then....

A few weeks back for those of you who don't know, i found myself slowly going towards a dark path one of which i knew not where i got there. In the span of 12 hours my little world turned upside down. One of my closest dearest friends told me to never call her again never speak to her ever again and to lose her number...in short..she now hated me. I took this hard and very personal for i've been through a lot with her. Ups and downs and all around. I will and have done anything for her. and Stacey i do love you. Next my dear beloved roommate (no sarcasm intended...) decided to move out, which i so happily learned through a myspace note..awww..how cute. Please next time get the balls to say it to my face. Anyway i was accused of being selfish and untrustworthy and for those of you who really know me, i think you can see the error of these statements. So ok, Melissa had decided to move out and then move back in with her parents ok. So another chink in my armor. Add this on top of the everyday drama that we all try to avoid, along with work stress and being tired from lack of sleep, i got home at 5am that morning coming back from a baseball game in seattle, i then had to be up by 10 granted not really falling asleep until 6:30. I was overly tired and stressed. Bad combination when it comes to such difficulties. All in all i started talking to Jamie that night and Blake about what had gone on. Thanks you two for bearing with me that night. Oh yes i mustn;t forget i threw my phone out the window that night also, oh yippee it went along way down and wa broken. Blake can tell you all about that story..anyway so to make it go away or so i thought it would, i took some substances. This meaning i took a total of 10 hydros and drank 3/4 of a fifth of vodka 80 proof 40 y myself, plus not taking my insulin in a day and a half, all being a deadly combination. So i started feeling like shit, walking my plastered ass to my parents house 15 min. walk, i knocked on the door and was quickly taken to the hospital. i spent the next 12 hrs. in the hospital throwing up and drinking charcoal, yes i did say charcoal. Blech!! Anyway, long story short i was then admitted to the local psych unit at Sacred heart Medical. All i have to say is it's exactly like the movies. And boy did i have time to think in there. The doctor said i was depressed and had some other issuses but he let me go after 5 "glorious" days in the psych ward. I was then told to go see a psychiatrist and a therapist.

Next chapter: So upon release and seeing the head doc. 3 days after release i spent my time cocooned in my apt. afraid of ppl and the outside world. I'm a true paranoid, it's not fun believe me. Well i did talk to blake and jamie again. And Jamie thank you for your support and concern. I also did talk to Tina. And girl i love you to pieces. If i believed in best friends you'd be it hun. Love you girl. Well i then went to the head doc. and he diagnosed me with a psychotic disorder and OCD. obsessive compulisve disorder. I then changed meds, which had made me jumpy and slightly schizo, to ones that have calmed me and made me less paranoid. Next came the therapist. Not much to write there as it was a rocky start with her and not much was said between us. This now segways into more happenings in my life.

So i've come to realize that i need a lot of help and stability in my life and i can barely take care of myself let alone my son. So at the moment i have given temoparily full custody of Kaden to his father Brad. Brad you're a great dad thanks for your support. So i know som ewho don't agree with this choice but tough luck, i do believe it's best for everyone right now.

Moving along, so officially or not how ever you want to view it I am Bisexual. Yes there i said it no more hiding or being semi scared or ashamed. it's the way i am. deal with it. All though this has caused problems in my personal life. At the moment i honestly prefer females to males, not a slam against my own gender that's just how it flows. But other problems arise from this like my confusion between love, lust, friends, and trust. So here it goes. Blake....if you read this I LOVE YOU.. u know that i hope. despite everything and all my and our problems i've never stopped. I fell in love with you that first day we talked for what like 12 hrs straight (maybe slight exxageration, not sure) and i learned so much about u including things others never knew. And i will take those things to my grave. But i do love you and probably always will, and i was sincerely and truly honest with you when i said i want to be with you but i'm not ready for it. I need to fix me first before i can be anyone elses. And i hurt for the fact that it's not reciprocated but i do understand. *sigh* Next jamie, *deep breath* jamie jamie jamie, we have been through ups and downs also for years and years now. God i've known you for a hella long time. with us it's a hit and miss. and now it's a one way miss. jamie i love you as a brother and friend but nothing more and i hope you understand. Please no more talk of such things any more. Next Stacey, for liking females, i'm glad we're friends now. And know that i would do absolutely anything, thank you for no longer being mad and pissed at me. You are my first and yet so close and dear i value our friendship above most things. Jamie J.- you girl are a riot and i've enjoyed our letters and conversations with one another, you've opened up a world of possibilites for me. And yes you're my girl always. Dustin, oh boy dustin. we've had our shares of ups and some serious downs but you always can make me laugh when i need it, and you are my life saver in computers and the biggest nerd i know, and everything else, i've enjoyed the talks. you know how it goes. I could drivel on forever but i won't...so now here comes the confusion. i want the best of both worlds and can't have it and i've let opportunites pass by because i was scared and don't know how to handle it. And yes even i get scared once in awhile. Blake i still want you and get jealous at the fact that you're with someone else, but i'll rise above that and wish you welll you deserve to be happy, stacey i want you and get jealous that you mainly chose pam but that's a different story for a different day. Jamie J. girl who knows where it all may lead.....Dustin i hate the fact when you ignore me it makes me angry but i know you can be busy and don't think i'm just at you for anything, u fix my comp. i need you in my life. jamie, keep staying strong and you will find your dream girl someday. Blah!!! so now you see my personal life dilemmas. Golly i may need more therapy. I'm so confused by what i want and not sure if i'll ever be able to have it and maybe i am better off being alone, but that's a depressing thought and i'm not really that type of person. so who knows.

Next off, for yrs and yrs. i've said i want a double major in criminal justice and psychology with a minor in forensics...and now i don't even know if i want that anymore. I need to go to school again i've been out on and off for 2 yrs. and i'm starting to forget all my hard earned facts. I want to move and start fresh but money is an issue and medically i don't know if i'm fit too. I'm losing direction of what i want to do with my life., And for me as we all know is a horrible place to be in. one minute Seattle sounds fantastic, and then the next Canada oh how i love canada, but then down south sounds great and then the east coast. oh God help me now this i pray...what do i do what shall i do with this life that i have been granted.

i think i may close this now, with so much on my mind. My soul aches and my heart is heavy. Guidance is what i need and yearn for. I desire a companion to shed this loneliness, and grieve at the fact that this state is so. so much more to mention and not enough time for such. The biggest lesson i have learned these past few weeks though i have not kept the mind set is. "You don't have all the time in the world..." what are you gonna do with the time that had been given to you???So i end this now and ask not forgiveness for sharing but forgiveness for my shame, i was ashamed and now i'm not this is me in black and white no gray areas of questions in between. and now if you have something to say, you have my number or you have other ways i can be reached i will accept anything from anyone it is your right to be who you are and what you think and haow you feel and never let anyone take that from you. and again, So long and Goodnight.