nerdboy2345

here i am again. why, i dont know. feels good to write again, any kind of writing. i'm going to let my mind wander, bear with me, its not much of a mind. sometimes it feels so good to just stare, at nothing, without thought. well, some thought...but not much. there's a sort of warm comfort in it. i guess thats my meditation. right now im just staring at the letter g on my keyboard and it feels good. i hear the hum of my computer...the crack, whrrr of the furnace as it tries to churn some heat up to the cold second floor. i think i can hear the washer in spin cycle downstairs. the faucet in the bathroom trickles ever so lightly. water is always calming. its a sort of orchestra of house sounds...i'm becoming hypnotized by the rythym. my jaw is slack, half open, drool collecting around my lower lip. slurp, better swallow, dont want to make a mess here. i stare at the keyboard long enough and my vision developes a fuzzy texture. the spots i see when i close your eyes are easily visible now as they dance across my hands. my eyes go in and out of focus, everything shimmers. snap. type some more. sometimes you wonder how much longer you we be around. then what. am i wasting my life. sure feels like it. but what is living. the is no one definition. i suppose its what feels right to you. i feel like im just passing though, just getting by. i cant work for 40 more years. i'll kill myself before i reach old age. dont we all think that. then youre old. i remember when i was 3. my childhood is a dream. thats not me. memories get to a point where you start to disbelieve. when you look back to yesterday and think of everything that happened, you can only remember so much. it gets worse the farther you go back. eventually you just remeber flashes, moments of years. thats so depressing. it feels like a waste of life if you cant remember it. makes me what to carry around a video camera. i guess some things are better off forgoten. of course, those are the things you cant forget. the people that you cant forget. oh i wish i could forget her. why cant i give it up. god its so frustrating. need to occupy my mind with someone else, but i cant find anyone else that compares. i have no patience. i want everything now. makes time that much unbearable to bear. time time time...does it even exsist. there is no now, only then and later. this moment, gone like that. and now this one, gone just as fast. i hate tuesdays almost as much as mondays. tomorrow is hump day. i need to hump i think. i cant stand this neverending cycle. friday comes and next thin i know im at work again monday morning, just dying to go back to bed. bed...sounds so nice. no, i think i'll hold off, its still early. i think i am going to start documenting my dreams when i wake up. i love dreaming...its usually so much better than being awake. nothing like sleeping all day when your depressed. usually my dreams liberate me from what my mind was dwelling on all day. if death was infinite dreaming...and good dreams, then sign me up. i suppose thats what heaven is supposed to be. i fear nothing...i think id rather be in hell that nothing at all. at least then you feel something. would be nice to know what is on the other side, then maybe i wouldnt be wasting my life now. oh well, maybe i stop this and go do something productive. if anyone actually reads this, pardon my typos, and piss poor spelling. im not reading through this. i think if i do i'll erase it all. " if you read you will judge"