The Artist/Muse relationship is something very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't been a part of one. I have been without a muse for about a year, maybe a little longer. You don't really notice when the effects of your current muse slow down to a point of being noneffective. This is what happened with my last. She is still close, still important to me in my life... but over the course of the past couple years, she moved into a position of being a contemporary.
I've only recently, in the past week, realized that I have a new muse. Originally, I mistook my feelings as merely crushing on a pretty girl I had been dating. Had I identified things sooner, I might have better controlled my feelings and expressions. Possibly even avoiding the big expression I put forth that pushed her away from me. It was only after she broke contact and we didn't speak or see each other for several weeks that I figured all this out.
We made a 'friend date' for this past Friday. I was half hoping that seeing her for the first time in weeks, her voo doo would have lost it's enthralling effect on me. I thought "She is an amazing person, I would love to be her friend if it can work out that way." We were never friends first, we jumped right into dating, so there was no telling how this would turn out.
I found out the instant our eyes met. I'm smitten. After weeks of severed contact, weeks of focused purging of her from my mind, after dates with other women (poor girls had no chance), and hiding all my true feelings to attempt a friendship... one glance into her eyes and all is confirmed. This girl is my muse.
The chore ahead of me is to play it cool and not speed this thing off the cliff again. I'm pretty certain she has not been with an artist before. The artist/ muse situation is not something she has experienced, and for a girl with commitment issues, I imagine it can be an intense thing to deal with. I believe this is what pushed her out originally.
What I know is this; Looking into her eyes inspires me. Being in her presence motivates me. Holding conversation with her humbles me. Listening to her voice calms and centers me. Touching her skin excites every part of my being. The artist/muse relationship is a real thing. I join a countless line of artists before me who have walked in my shoes. The affect a muse has on everything in your life is awesome, powerful, and beautiful... if she embraces the role, and especially if you are able to share the rest of life together. The situation I am in now, is far from ideal.
I am still moved by her... but since we are not together, her absence slams me with obsessive compulsions, worry, stress, and anxiety. I'm doing my best to temper the negative sides of things, and to be patient, calm and persistent in my expressions toward her. All of this is not easy for me, but I am committed to doing whatever I can to win her over.
My life is a lot easier when I am in a place of desiring sexual playthings, and not wanting any kind of relationship... But I can not choose who I fall for. I can not dictate which woman will inspire me to want to move mountains, conquer the world, and speak in epic poems. I can not choose, but now that she has been introduced into my life, I will put in all the effort I can muster to win her heart as she has won mine. There are much easier paths, but her smile, her eyes, her presence... they make me feel like the man I am supposed to be. I've never felt it before, but I am starting to understand what those people are talking about when they say things like "I knew right away, that she would be the woman I would marry.".
I am an artist. I am a romantic. I am not patient, reserved, or used to holding back... but I'm trying.
I've only recently, in the past week, realized that I have a new muse. Originally, I mistook my feelings as merely crushing on a pretty girl I had been dating. Had I identified things sooner, I might have better controlled my feelings and expressions. Possibly even avoiding the big expression I put forth that pushed her away from me. It was only after she broke contact and we didn't speak or see each other for several weeks that I figured all this out.
We made a 'friend date' for this past Friday. I was half hoping that seeing her for the first time in weeks, her voo doo would have lost it's enthralling effect on me. I thought "She is an amazing person, I would love to be her friend if it can work out that way." We were never friends first, we jumped right into dating, so there was no telling how this would turn out.
I found out the instant our eyes met. I'm smitten. After weeks of severed contact, weeks of focused purging of her from my mind, after dates with other women (poor girls had no chance), and hiding all my true feelings to attempt a friendship... one glance into her eyes and all is confirmed. This girl is my muse.
The chore ahead of me is to play it cool and not speed this thing off the cliff again. I'm pretty certain she has not been with an artist before. The artist/ muse situation is not something she has experienced, and for a girl with commitment issues, I imagine it can be an intense thing to deal with. I believe this is what pushed her out originally.
What I know is this; Looking into her eyes inspires me. Being in her presence motivates me. Holding conversation with her humbles me. Listening to her voice calms and centers me. Touching her skin excites every part of my being. The artist/muse relationship is a real thing. I join a countless line of artists before me who have walked in my shoes. The affect a muse has on everything in your life is awesome, powerful, and beautiful... if she embraces the role, and especially if you are able to share the rest of life together. The situation I am in now, is far from ideal.
I am still moved by her... but since we are not together, her absence slams me with obsessive compulsions, worry, stress, and anxiety. I'm doing my best to temper the negative sides of things, and to be patient, calm and persistent in my expressions toward her. All of this is not easy for me, but I am committed to doing whatever I can to win her over.
My life is a lot easier when I am in a place of desiring sexual playthings, and not wanting any kind of relationship... But I can not choose who I fall for. I can not dictate which woman will inspire me to want to move mountains, conquer the world, and speak in epic poems. I can not choose, but now that she has been introduced into my life, I will put in all the effort I can muster to win her heart as she has won mine. There are much easier paths, but her smile, her eyes, her presence... they make me feel like the man I am supposed to be. I've never felt it before, but I am starting to understand what those people are talking about when they say things like "I knew right away, that she would be the woman I would marry.".
I am an artist. I am a romantic. I am not patient, reserved, or used to holding back... but I'm trying.