I despise that I let things that shouldn't bother me any longer get through my defenses...
I cannot stand knowing I have a gift for something yet can't seem to find a profession doing it, and I'm terrified that I'll have to go it on my own and make it work myself...
I feel strange for having developed an infatuation with the unachievable beauty of someone so far out of reach as to feel safe...and wonder if that's what love has come to for me...
I am saddened by the realization that I might never be able to reconcile "love" and "lust" in a singular person, and instead feel love for my friends and fulfillment in strangers...
I'm unsure of my passion or even my abilities, only to have person after person tell me that it's there, but never the person that should be paying me to do it for a living...
I hate myself knowing that I'll never be able to be completely honest with my best friend about something that I did in my past, knowing that it will destroy everything we've re-established in the last month.
I am afraid of baring my soul, yet do so to strangers every day in some shape or another...
I fear the year ahead. I fear what it holds, and can't stand not knowing what tomorrow may bring.
I am terrified of chaos, yet seem to have embraced it upon every level of my soul.
(and no I have not settled into a new and exciting emo lifestyle...)
I cannot stand knowing I have a gift for something yet can't seem to find a profession doing it, and I'm terrified that I'll have to go it on my own and make it work myself...
I feel strange for having developed an infatuation with the unachievable beauty of someone so far out of reach as to feel safe...and wonder if that's what love has come to for me...
I am saddened by the realization that I might never be able to reconcile "love" and "lust" in a singular person, and instead feel love for my friends and fulfillment in strangers...
I'm unsure of my passion or even my abilities, only to have person after person tell me that it's there, but never the person that should be paying me to do it for a living...
I hate myself knowing that I'll never be able to be completely honest with my best friend about something that I did in my past, knowing that it will destroy everything we've re-established in the last month.
I am afraid of baring my soul, yet do so to strangers every day in some shape or another...
I fear the year ahead. I fear what it holds, and can't stand not knowing what tomorrow may bring.
I am terrified of chaos, yet seem to have embraced it upon every level of my soul.
(and no I have not settled into a new and exciting emo lifestyle...)
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
annalee:
Hello, I've been meaning to write back to you as you sent me some wonderful journal comments over the last few entries. I think sometimes I reply to them in my head and then forget that I haven't actually posted my response! I really appreciate them all. Your journal entry here has made me recall a book I read recently that you might like, it's called Letters to a Young Poet by Rilke, I can't remember if we talked about it before but yes I think you might relate to it, it's very beautiful.
niobe:
All great suggestions! Thanks. 