necrolust249428

Well, the Immolation and Exodus show went off great! I am a huge fan of Immolation, so seeing them alone was really worth it. Unfortunately they only played about seven songs. I wnated more more MORE!!! And they didn't play all the songs I wanted to hear, but dammit when do bands really play all the songs you want to hear? And Immolation has like six albums out there, all of which are filled with sheer awesomeness. In fact, I am currently listening to their newest one, Harnessing Ruin, and if you guys don't own it yet, buy it! You'll thank me later! Trust me!

And then there was Exodus. I only have their new album, and I have only listened to about half of it due to time restaints. But I love what I heard live, so i am going to search for more of their stuff on Amazon. And Goatfish, you'll be happy to hear they did play your fave new song 44 Magnum Opus. Damn good live band they are!

And now I would like to move on to another thing I would like to discuss. Its sort of a realization thats come to me recently. I am not sure how to put it exactly, but I no longer have any attraction to women who are either shallow/petty/bitchy/self-centered, etc. For a long time now, if I saw a cute girl somewhere, I would think the typical guy stuff about...well, I don't want to come across as a pervert, so I'll stop there. But now, I have no attraction to girls for the simple reason that they are physically appealing- there simply has to be more to it then that. In fact, I can safely say I am not even attracted to a girl until I really find out who she is inside. After all, what you wear, what subculture you belong to, what is obvious on the surface is not who you really are. The core of a persons being is sometimes a bit hard to get to, but I feel it is the only thing that truly matters in the long run. Its neccesary to find out what really, I mean REALLY motivates someone to some sort of emotional height, whether that height be tears or compassion or even genuine anger, to discover an iota of their true inner being. Their inner being may not always be a good one; it may be filled with all the wretchedness their superficial exterior has already shown. I found out one of my friends is quite self-centered, and while I find that a bit of a bad trait, he is actually aware of it and can justify reasons why he feels this is the only way he can be. I don't like this side of him at all, but I do understand his reasoning and I respect him at least for his decision to be how he is. But now I'm getting away from the point, so let me get back to what i was saying before.

I guess I'll bring up something I noticed the other day when I was watching a movie called "The Elephant Man". For those who don't know, the Elephant Man was a real person who lived in the late part of the 1800s with a severe disorder that caused large abnormal growths on his body to give him a monsterous appearance, almost as if he was halfway between elephant and man, hence the name. More info on him can be found here- www.josephmerrick.com if any of you guys are interested. Now, back to the moive and what it means to my rant. I was watching this movie, very much enthralled by its brilliance and depth, and when it was over, I had so many things running through my head. The main thing was how much this film meant to modern society, or rather how much this film should mean to modern society. Nowadays, we live in a world that seems on the brink of collapse from the inside all because people are too fucking lazy to look past the exterior and see each human being for what they truly are- an individual. Another human being with thoughts and feelings and emotions and so on that has the right and will to live their life how they best see fit, with no strings attached. The Elephant Man, or John Merrick as he is reffered to in the film, is such a model for my point. Outside he had all the traits of a monster and was not too pretty. He only grunted at first, but when he did begin to speak, the doctors thought he was mentally retarded. They thought he only copied what he learned from others, but didn't really know what he was saying. They soon found this to be very untrue. He was actually very intelligent, and had a passionate interior that yearned to escape the outside appearance that hindered him so. He loved the theatre, had an artistic side, could use correct grammar, ect. He was soon visited by many curious people, one of which was the main doctors wife. She was so nice to him that he burst into tears and said how he had never been treated kindly by a beautiful woman before. He truly appreciated her sincerity, and he never took it for granted like so many others do. She also in turn felt for him as well, and the impact the film made in this area (in all areas actually) was life-changing for me. I have known this sort of "look past the person to the interior" type of thing for a while now, but this movie put it all into flesh in such a profound way that I also had tears come to my eyes. Imagine that, some Death Metal guy crying his eyes out because he fell in love with the Elephant Man and his wonderful friends. It happened! And I realized that this is at the heart of who we are. This is what really matters in the end, and its even the only thing that matters in the beginning as well. Sure, I wear eyeliner, listen to crazy Satan music, and have a thing for acting obnoxiously silly, but this isn't the core of who I am. Its only the small, obvious part of me. The real me is the part that reacts to things such as these and admits that they mean something extremely important to the whole of the human race. I can't tell you how many times I have been out minding my own business when I suddenly hear the word "freak" yelled at me by some cornflake in a car. Not sure how I would qualify as a freak, but I guess Maryland is the state for conformists only. What I want to know is, what exactly is going through these peoples heads when they do things like this? Whats the ultimate point they are trying to make? Most people I know just say "their just assholes", but thats not what I really mean. What I want to know is, why do they feel the need to do this? What purpose does it serve, to either them or me, to shout insults at some total stranger minding his own business? Are these the same people who taunted and mocked the Elephant Man without even trying to get to know him? I've never doen ahything like this, so I just can't understand it. I want to know whats going on in their heads when they do these things. I'd love to capture one of them, through them in a chamber, and intterogate them. But I don't want to be that cruel, so i won't. Yet I still desire any answer to this question, and more satisfying one than their just "assholes". I know that already, lol. I guess I what I want to find out is the core of their being. The part of them that makes them who they are, and why it makes them do and say the things they do and say.

OK, I know I have deviated from the original point here, though what I have spoken of does connect in the end. I can't stoop down to the superficial level anymore and just like a girl because shes physically attractive. I need to find out who she really is deep inside for the attraction to be there.

I think thats one thing I love about this site and many of the girls on it. They can be themselves in any way and every way possible, and reveal at least a bit of who they truly are inside. That makes them much more attractive then just sticking their ass in my face and acting like an indecent slut.

OK, I know this rant sucks even more than the last one I wrote, but hopefully it means something to somebody out there. I just needed to vent again, and I feel better now that I have done so.

I'd also like to thank the girls I have on my friends list. I added all of you because I read through your profiles and saw something truly beautiful and passionate inside each of you. I wouldn't have added you guys had it not been for this. Thank you and stay just how you are.

I have more to say, but I will leave that for tomorrow. I need to get to sleep now and rest my brian......I mean brain. See, this is what happens when you don't sleep enough- you start naming your body parts after Family Guy characters.

Think I'll spank my Stewie before I sleep........

Goodnight/day!