It's sort of felt like 2024 has had it out for me from the get go 😅. Every time it feels like the dust is settling, something new. I'm trying to find some grace in it, and in myself. Everything is a learning experience.
Bear with me. I know I get rambly on a good day sometimes, and it's currently well past my bed time. I can't sleep, so I might as well word vomit a bit and try to undo the knot of anxiety that is my brain.
House tl;dr: I was supposed to move, had an incredible opportunity to get an actually affordable home with an actually affordable assumable loan/interest rate (2.75%). It looked to good to be true, and was. Found out week of close that sellers lied about a bunch of disclosure and the amount owed on the house. The closing costs were discussed/the closing costs that I was aaked for at close had a fucking 94k difference. I don't have that / if I did I'd have tried to buy a MUCH nicer house. Big hiccup was that I'd already given notice at my apartment / they did not want to allow me to withdraw my notice. That was a headache for a minute. It's fine. I got to stay at my current place. All my shit is still mostly in boxes.
Outside of my tattoo apprenticeship, I work from home for my day job. It doesn't feel great working from a tiny office full of boxes. Between all the house/no house stress, being overworked, and unable to fully relax and be comfortable at home/work while in box land, my brain has been a bit friend. Something something something, burning the candle at both ends.
I realized I need to cut something back, and unfortunately the job that gives me a paycheck is not an option. I asked at my apprenticeship today if I could come in fewer days/hours, in order to be able to be more present/functional when I am in. I was basically told no, I have to be all in or they don't want me there at all. All or nothing. I get it, but I also don't. I think it was meant kindly, but the owner basically said it's okay for me to step back if I need to (nice) and they'd love to have me back whenever I'm fully available (also nice) so they suggested.... Taking a year or two to save a years worth of expenses and then quit my job and come back (unrealstoc, out of touch, I still can't process this train of thought).
The average american is one missed paycheck away from homelessness. I don't think that I know anyone who has the suggested three months worth of expenses saved, nevermind a year. Sigh. It shouldn't be too shocking - the owners make enough money I don't think they really actually understand how finances are for the average person. And the last apprentice who is still at the shop is significantly younger, still partially supported by her parents, and pinky has $500 worth of expenses a month. When I thought I wasn't going to be able to stay in my apartment, they were sending me housing listings for places (nice) that cost 1k+ more then my current place (sigh).
All that to say, the entire conversation was a roller coaster. I went from feeling caught off guard, to okay, to frustrated. Ultimately made my peace with not having a part time option - I can take a break, then see if other shops would take me on part time. If I can't get another apprenticeship, I guess now at least I have a new perspective on burnt out and the idea of only having one job, even if I hate it, sounds alright.
I do miss my social life. I miss going outside more. I miss waking up early. I miss having time to write. I miss feeling like myself.
I have been so excited, and so driven to build this new life for myself, and it feels....well, shitty, to feel like it's slipping away.
But I do feel oddly hopeful now too. I knew I was going to be sacrificing a lot to make this apprenticeship work. And I have. Been I've been realizing the last week or two that I've been sacrificing a lot of myself. The point of this was to build a better life. To be happier.
I have not been happy.
I want to be happy again.
Running has been keeping me sane, though I haven't been able to push myself as much as I'd like with my limited sleep / schedule / life.
Things aren't 100% final one way or another, but it's looking like the apprenticeship will be ending for the immediate future at least. I don't know if "sad" is the right word. My brain is so fried I can't really process what emotion I feel. It's a little bit of everything.
But as always, there's nothing to do but try and make the best of it.
I think I might take a week of rest, and then hire a running coach. I'm going to make plans with friends. I'm going to go outside. I'm gonna play with my fucking cats who I miss. I'm going to go hike on a mountain. I'm going to find my way back to making art for myself.
I'm registered for a marathon in October. I'm looking for a local-ish 50-60k ultramarathon to run over the winter, then I'd like to run a 50 miler in the spring, and a 100 miler by fall/winter of next year. I don't know if my health will hold up to that - but we'll see. Despite everything and despite not doing as much as I'd like, I have finally been able to run consistently for the first time since I had covid (two fucking years ago now), with several 10+ mile runs under my belt recently (still need longer before October 😅).
I am feeling all the things, and a lot of them are not good.
But I do also feel hopeful. Hope is good.
It's an end, but it's also another beginning. And a lot of the shitty punches I've had to roll with this year haven't really felt that way.
So I think, once again, that it's gonna be okay.
Hopefully 😅
A bunch of photos for getting through all that:
