I do most of my thinking on trail when I have alone time, and these days I don't have much alone time. Even a month ago I think I would have felt alarmed at the thought of that - not having much alone time. But these days it's a gift. My trail family feels like a real family. It's been a long time since I've been able to spend long periods of time with a group and not feel overwhelmed or overstimulated. I feel safe, and happy, and loved. I'm not terribly close with my actual family, and these days with my trail fam are all the more precious for being temporary.
In the time I do have, I reflect on things like how long it's been since I last felt this way (close and comfortable with a group) - and what's changed. Early in the trail, I attributed a lot of my social anxiety to 3 years of covid. And sure, that hasn't helped. But truly it's been nearly 10 years since I genuinely enjoyed spending lots of time with large groups. I'd somehow forgotten that before that though, I frequently enjoyed that kind of social time.
It's been an interesting time getting to know myself again. Understanding things I didn't even realize I'd forgotten. Like I am physically and emotionally waking up from a hibernation I didn't know I was taking.
I've been on trail for 3 months now, and feel very grateful that there's still room for me to grow, that they're always will be. Grateful to have people I love and trust by my side while it happens.
