As the days of this separation drag on, I often find myself wondering things. As the depth of her betrayal of our love, and of our children, becomes more clear, as I see more and more of her selfish devotion to her own comfort no matter the cost to those who have loved her, I wonder if I can ever trust someone with my heart again. May seem a cliche question, but it is there in my mind. She is still around, living with her lover, still sees the boys some. The older wants as little contact as possible, the younger sees her as relief from boredom until school starts, and a ride home to avoid the bus. She claims loudly that I have poisoned their minds towards her, but the reality is quite the opposite. They have watched the story unfold the past few years, and it is their wisdom that finally allowed me to let go, to realize that even if she came back, it would just be to fight more and leave again with the next lover.
We had an open marriage all these years, and it worked for a long time. It stopped working when her jealousy prevented me from enjoying that lifestyle, and her selfishness took over. Having a lover who wasn't interested in sharing, only in taking her for himself, put the final nails in the coffin as he plied her with gifts, even a car.
So I now realize I am glad she is gone, though still dealing with the hassles of her leaving. Now trying to clear my mind and heart enough to start again, find someone who looks not at physical age but at spiritual age, who sees my qualities, not just the flaws, who is crazy enough to deal with me yet real enough to keep me grounded.
We had an open marriage all these years, and it worked for a long time. It stopped working when her jealousy prevented me from enjoying that lifestyle, and her selfishness took over. Having a lover who wasn't interested in sharing, only in taking her for himself, put the final nails in the coffin as he plied her with gifts, even a car.
So I now realize I am glad she is gone, though still dealing with the hassles of her leaving. Now trying to clear my mind and heart enough to start again, find someone who looks not at physical age but at spiritual age, who sees my qualities, not just the flaws, who is crazy enough to deal with me yet real enough to keep me grounded.
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i hope things are improving at home...betrayal is such a heartbreaking thing to endure, i can't even imagine the depth of it after as many years as you were with her. hugs to you kind sir!