naughtyme

well let's see. it's friday night, october 29th. tomorrow we finish up my octopus tattoo, which i'm super excited to see complete. everybody will be celebrating halloween tomorrow night, it's just better to have sunday to recover. i'm reading a really fantastic book right now, called 'the windup girl'. real vivid description in it. made myself a good meal tonight, started with some shrimp cocktail, while my stew was cooking. been using the pressure cooker i bought all week, think i'm getting the knack for it. get a pie cooking as i type. store bought frozen type, i'm not so domesticated as all that. the house is a mess. kristin took all the house magic with here when she moved out. it doesn't clean itself anymore. that was awhile ago now, and i'm living elsewhere. i just need to clean. i go to afghanistan early next year. every day is precious. and yet i feel so directionless so often. it's my job to go, and i'll do it. but why in hell are we still there? nobody cares anymore, if they ever did. we continue to have record high months for american casualties over there. after nearly a decade, they continue to improve at killing americans. the generals continue to assure the president that success is within reach, but when was the last time that anyone even tried to define what success over there is? the possibility exists that i may die over there, and the hard part is figuring out whether i care. people slap a $2.99 sticker on their cars, proclaiming their support for the troops, but my own family is unwilling to take care of my dog when i deploy. my biggest sense of loss comes from wondering if i do die over there, who will care? and will it in any way benefit the people i love, that i jioned the military hoping to protect and serve. good god i sound like a whiner. i just want someone to hold close, to care for during this time that i'm allowed to reside in this world. i'm strange, i know that. people find it odd that i don't take it as an insult when they actually get up the courage to tell me that they think i'm strange. like they think i ought to want to be normal. last i checked, the average person out there isn't one i want to emulate. just let me find someone willing to try to understand me. kristin did well, and i'll always love her dearly. but we don't fit anymore, never truly did. i wish her the best. pie's done.