So related to the last topic, I want to give you all an update. I was really surprised at how positive and validating everyone's feedback was on the matter. No one said, "screw him!" or "you guys will get back together!". I appreciate that. Thanks. You understand the complexity of these things. I also want to reiterate that I am not in any kind of anguish currently. I'm just afraid of falling back into a not-so-healthy longing place if the conditions became right.
Being at Coachella, particularly Saturday night, was like a vortex of emotion on this subject. Everywhere I turned, there was a reminder of he and I. The astrological conditions were very similar to 2002, when he and I went together. Two of the headliners were Weezer (one of my favorites that resurfaced right around the time we met so we saw them like crazy) and Coldplay who just came out as I was falling in love with him. To this day, the smell of the orange blossoms in Phoenix mixed with the song Yellow and the dark desert sky (the color it was as he left my house every morning to go to work) is too much emotion overload for comfort. There were other random things (check out the two t-shirts in my 'chella pics). But I was with rojo and cherrybomb and realizing how much I love rojo and love cherrybomb being with rojo (and come on, nobody's ever good enough for your best friends!) and I realized that it was destiny that rojo would be such an important person in my life the last 4 years and into the future. I realized that I remembered distinct details from the very moment that I met her and there was an unmistakeable exchange of energy. Looking back, it doesn't surprise me that we are such great friends now. It was meant to be. Then it dawned on me that it is the same with Chris, my ex. I had several shots of tequila the night I met him, but I remember every detail of the first moments I laid eyes on him. I remember his stride, what he was wearing, the expression on his face, the darkness in his eyes, the first words he spoke to me, etc. (Keep in mind that I have a hard time remembering my own age). I noticed him, felt him, immediately as he entered the crowd, but he actually approached me, and he was out with his father, so I met Dad on the first night too. Weeks later we confided in each other that we were seeing other people exclusively when we met, which slowed things down as much as could be with that kind of electric connection. This was very uncharacteristic for both of us, but something kept telling me I couldn't let him pass by. A year and a half later, we had our problems...ironically intimacy being one of them...too much is very scary, but there was not a moment that I didn't enjoy just being next to him. I didn't care what we were doing. Some of my happiest memories are sitting in his truck going through the Burger King drive thru. I didn't think much of planning a future together, because once I met him, I could not imagine my life without him....it was just assumed. And ask anyone who knows me, I am a far cry from a romantic. He threw me for a loop because he was everything I didn't believe in. I waited for the other shoe to drop but it didn't. On paper, there were plenty of problems between us, but what I'm talking about is a feeling.....a burning that is so bright it can't go out. This is that feeling that conquers problems and makes them worth working out. It keeps you connected, interested.
Well, I am not one to wait around for someone who doesn't want me, and that made it even harder to get over him. I know that I idealize much of the relationship but that is just the way it's going to be. After a year of dating, he used to still tell me, "I have a big crush on you." Or, "the butterflies are back?" That's a feeling. If I had to do it all over again, I can't say that I would change anything. There's things that would have made our relatiohship better, but I think we needed to break it to learn things from other people. What finally dawned on me at Coachella recently was that the connection is still obviously there, although it has sublimated, which is why I cannot give him up. But that doesn't mean we are meant to be a couple. And I'm okay with that. I have been trying to stifle something that cannot be stifled for my own romantic freedom, when I just need to accept it for what it is. A potentially powerful and long-lasting bond. Something you know was real because it is still there, 3 years and no face-to-face contact later. It is something that builds trust and faith. And I'm grateful to have that.
Being at Coachella, particularly Saturday night, was like a vortex of emotion on this subject. Everywhere I turned, there was a reminder of he and I. The astrological conditions were very similar to 2002, when he and I went together. Two of the headliners were Weezer (one of my favorites that resurfaced right around the time we met so we saw them like crazy) and Coldplay who just came out as I was falling in love with him. To this day, the smell of the orange blossoms in Phoenix mixed with the song Yellow and the dark desert sky (the color it was as he left my house every morning to go to work) is too much emotion overload for comfort. There were other random things (check out the two t-shirts in my 'chella pics). But I was with rojo and cherrybomb and realizing how much I love rojo and love cherrybomb being with rojo (and come on, nobody's ever good enough for your best friends!) and I realized that it was destiny that rojo would be such an important person in my life the last 4 years and into the future. I realized that I remembered distinct details from the very moment that I met her and there was an unmistakeable exchange of energy. Looking back, it doesn't surprise me that we are such great friends now. It was meant to be. Then it dawned on me that it is the same with Chris, my ex. I had several shots of tequila the night I met him, but I remember every detail of the first moments I laid eyes on him. I remember his stride, what he was wearing, the expression on his face, the darkness in his eyes, the first words he spoke to me, etc. (Keep in mind that I have a hard time remembering my own age). I noticed him, felt him, immediately as he entered the crowd, but he actually approached me, and he was out with his father, so I met Dad on the first night too. Weeks later we confided in each other that we were seeing other people exclusively when we met, which slowed things down as much as could be with that kind of electric connection. This was very uncharacteristic for both of us, but something kept telling me I couldn't let him pass by. A year and a half later, we had our problems...ironically intimacy being one of them...too much is very scary, but there was not a moment that I didn't enjoy just being next to him. I didn't care what we were doing. Some of my happiest memories are sitting in his truck going through the Burger King drive thru. I didn't think much of planning a future together, because once I met him, I could not imagine my life without him....it was just assumed. And ask anyone who knows me, I am a far cry from a romantic. He threw me for a loop because he was everything I didn't believe in. I waited for the other shoe to drop but it didn't. On paper, there were plenty of problems between us, but what I'm talking about is a feeling.....a burning that is so bright it can't go out. This is that feeling that conquers problems and makes them worth working out. It keeps you connected, interested.
Well, I am not one to wait around for someone who doesn't want me, and that made it even harder to get over him. I know that I idealize much of the relationship but that is just the way it's going to be. After a year of dating, he used to still tell me, "I have a big crush on you." Or, "the butterflies are back?" That's a feeling. If I had to do it all over again, I can't say that I would change anything. There's things that would have made our relatiohship better, but I think we needed to break it to learn things from other people. What finally dawned on me at Coachella recently was that the connection is still obviously there, although it has sublimated, which is why I cannot give him up. But that doesn't mean we are meant to be a couple. And I'm okay with that. I have been trying to stifle something that cannot be stifled for my own romantic freedom, when I just need to accept it for what it is. A potentially powerful and long-lasting bond. Something you know was real because it is still there, 3 years and no face-to-face contact later. It is something that builds trust and faith. And I'm grateful to have that.
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I can relate a little about getting over a deep, serious love. Those are the most memorable things one can have in a lifetime, and being face-to-face with memories of love gone by is really tough and can be overwhelming. But with whatever happens, life goes on.
And I hope I do go to San Diego too, I would love to have a tour guide of some good San Diego alehouses
i love you too, darling! that was my favorite part of coachella - being there with you and pamela. it's so rare for the couple/friend dynamic to work so well - especially for an entire weekend. and i always tell people how rad you are, but it's cool to experience it so acutely like i did that weekend. and i absolutely love that you and pamela get along so well. definitely my favorite coachella ever.
and best of all, with our combined super powers, we were able to persuade a cop to drive our high-asses around in a golf cart. how many people can say they've done that?