nathanmcknight

"Donny, you're not a ninja, and there are no pirates in Malaysia." I turned out to be wrong on both counts. Just 'cause I suggested rock climbing with flesh hooks doesn't mean it was a good idea. Not really.

But tell that to Donny. He booked tickets without even asking if I was free. Not that I'd turn down a trip to Malaysia. Hell, I didn't even have time to pick up a Malay phrasebook. But here's him, handing me the ticketses and tellin me to get my climbing gear.

"No, no, nah... I been reading this Hatsumi guy, and..." Donny went on, but who gives a fuck, he's fulla shit. Don't get me wrong; he could kick my ass. But he's way too blunt for ninjadom. IMHO. "I swear to you, my friend. If we get wind of any pirates I will personally rip their fucking heads off with my bare hands!"

Now, that I believe.

Okay, let me tell you a little about Donny. He's a nice guy, he really is. Just a little ultra-violent, you know? But otherwise fine to be around. Let me illustrate.

He lives in a real nice neighborhood... and by 'nice' I mean next door to a crack dealer. And by 'neighborhood' I mean trailer park. The crack dealer next door--a skinny, bucktoothed motherfucker... let's call him Neville. Goodaname's any. So, Neville the crack dealer uses the courtyard in the trailer park for target practice, and it gets on Donny's nerves. Who can blame him? And one day, Donny politely suggests that Neville cease the gunfire or he'd.... I'll just quote here: "I'll knock your fuckin crack-dealin teeth in." That's what Donny said. Who can blame him? Donny's nothin if not a man of his word.

Well, sure 'nough next night Neville's serenading the neighbors with his nine. Donny comes out of his trailer and Neville (wisely) goes back into his own trailer. Who can blame him? Well, Donny is, as I said, a man of his word. He proceeds to kick in the door on the crack trailer and beat the living shite out of Neville. Neville's not in good shape when Donny walks out the door.

But that ain't the end of the story. This is how I remember it... Donny stands in the courtyard, huffing from the beating he just delivered and says to me "I told Neville I was gonna knock his teeth out, didn't I?" (only Neville's not his name...anyway, whatever) Donny turns around, heads back into the trailer and I follow out of sheer morbid curiosity and I see THE most disturbing things I've ever seen. Well, I've seen some pretty fucked up shit, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. Anyshit, you be the judge...

Donny's got his hands around Neville's neck and he puts his thumbs on the dealer's buck teeth. Nev's about out, so maybe he's not exactly aware of what's happening to him. I would take some comfort in that if I were you. Anyway, Donny's pushing so hard his thumbs are turning white and CRACK. The crack dealer's teeth crack back into his mouth and there's blood everyfuckingwhere. Who can blame...aw, nevermind. I've seen some pretty fucked up shit, but shit man, that was some pretty fucked up shit. I left and Donny left, bloody, and I didn't sleep for a coupla nights after that.

I'm not gonna say it hurt Donny more than it hurt Neville, but when you go and pull shit like that, it's gotta touch you somewhere. I didn't see Donny again for a little while. Who can blame me? But when I finally did get together with him, I think he'd chilled out a little. He got into body mod and suspension. Therapy for some, I guess. He got a good job and a tattoo of teeth on his shoulder to--and I quote--"Remind me never to pull any shit like that again."

Now, I mentioned suspension. Donny and I had done some climbing before and when I hooked up with him at the body mod convention (Hell City rocks, yo) he was part of a suspension display. If you don't know what that is, look it up. Longstoryshort, basically, you take these hooks and you push them through a pinch of skin in your back and then you hook yourself up to a rig that lifts you off the ground by nothing but the bleeding flesh of your back. Or front. Or knees I hear, but I've only seen pictures of that shit. I have a pretty high threshold, but that's not my bag.

I mentioned rock climbing... so I jokingly suggested--jokingly, mind you--that we should try climbing sometime, only instead of using a rope tied to a harness for protection, as is usually the case, we should use flesh hooks instead. It was a joke. Really, it was.

Now, here I am and Donny's got tickets to Malaysia and a bag fulla suspension apparatus and he's telling me to get my climbing gear and we're gonna go climbing on the coastal cliffs of the far east. Donny's a little worried... not because he's going to be hanging from a cliff with nothing but flesh hooks in his back. No, he's worried cause he heard there were pirates in Malaysia. Uh-huh.

Aw, fuck. What was I to do?

"Hell yeah," I said, "We're goin to Malaysia!" Who can blame me?

Now, I hate to cut it off just here. But I gotsta get some sleeps. So, Imma go bed, but you stay tuned. This story's called Pirates vs. Ninjas, and I'll have part 2 for you soon enough.

Nighters,

Nathan