after talking to a wonderful friend on the site, they told me that the reason i may not have been accepted to shoot with oryx, might have been my journals. she said that even though she knows i am a strong, beautiful and independent women, my constant posts about my relationship might not reflect that. ppl want to know who i am and what i think about. well this may or may not be the case, it made me angry to think that anyone could judge me based on my journal. so i have decided to write a sort of rebuttal to those who may not see me in such a great light. so here is the story of my life. be warned that this is LONG so if you aren't interested in knowing everything, then stop reading now. and just to clarify, i am not saying in any way, shape or form that this reason is the right reason that i didn't get accepted. i do not believe that SG would make a call based on this, but it has inspired me to let you all know about my life and the things that have happened to me. so please do not take this as a "fuck you to SG" because that is not what it is. it is more so a "fuck you to anyone who thought that my journal entries make me seem that i am not a strong, confident, and independent female"
age 9: my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer
age 10: the doctors told us that she wasn't going to live. my mom decided that she wanted to die at home so for the next year i watched as her body and her mind deteriorated. i remember one occasion where she told me i could finish the strawberries, but there were no strawberries in my house let alone in front of us.
age 11: my mom died. it was at this point that my dad started to lose all use of his arms. it became increasingly more difficult for him to do everyday things like dress and cook for himself. so at age 11 i became the mother of the house doing all of the cooking and cleaning and raising my brother while my dad was at work all day and night.
age 14: a 17 year old boy created a rumor that we had slept together. my friends who had never cared about being popular suddenly decided that they did, and they couldn't be popular with a friend who wasn't a virgin. so i went into highschool with everyone, and i mean EVERYONE (as i live in a small town) calling me a slut.
age 15: i found a group of friends that i finally fit in with. this is also when i became addicted to E or whatever chem i coudl get my hands on.
age 16: i found out i was pregnate. coming from a family with no money, i knew that there was no way i could raise a child. so i had an abortion. it was after this that my sleeping problems started. any little noise at night made me think that some rapist/murdered was in my house. i slept iwth a phone on one side of my bed and a knife on the other. eventually i moved into my dad's room and slept on the spare bed in there. but even that didn't help. i was lucky if i got 1-2 hours of sleep each night.
age 17: i ODed on K, thus prompting me to give up on drugs. it was also at this time that my boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me out of the blue. the ppl that i considered my friends turned on me. leaving me alone once again. once i had finally gotten over this devastating breakup, i found out that he had cheated on me with some trailer trash girl. it was shortly after this that i started to date a guy who ended up emotionally abusing me for over 2.5 years. i know i could have left at anytime, and i did on a number of occasions. but the fear of being alone made me come back to him time and time again. it was also on this new years that i decided to do E again just for old time's sake and i ODed. i spent 4 hours in a bathroom puking up blood.
age 18: my dad's disability had completely destroyed his arms no longer allowing him to work. this meant we coudl no longer afford rent on our house and we were forced to move to oshawa (for those of you who know how DIRTY oshawa is, it was one of the most depressing things to ever happen to me)
after my first year of university i came back to oshawa only to find myself in complete and utter depression. i started to cut myself. after 3 months and not being able to stop, i got on meds and started to see a therapist. i decided 2 months after that that i did not want to be dependent on drugs and therapy for the rest of my life and stopped both. i wanted to knwo that i overcame my depression by myself.
age 19: my dad had won his battle with disability and they acknowledged that he needed support. we coudl finally afford to move to ajax. my brother had started to do blow and was never going to school. he was heading to the same place i once was, so getting out of oshawa was so important. it was also at age 19 that chris (the guy i had been dating for 2.5 years) and i broke up. i met a great guy, adrian, who i am still with now. i rekindled friendships that i thought were lost and i now have the greatest friends in the world.
through all of this i had a smile on my face. i never thought that life was that horrible and was always aware that someone else out there had it worse than i. i overcame drug addiction, abortion, devastating relationships, the loss of my mother at age 11, the disability of my father and the drug addiction of my brother, paranoid dellusions and depression. to this day i still have a smile on my face. so now i am happy in my uninteresting world. my week consists of sleep, work, adrian and seeing a few of my friends. and i am happy with this. so my apologies for those who read my journal and think that i am some dependent, sorry excuse for a woman. but this is my life and i am happy with that. i have never censored myself, or been unhappy with who i am and i do not feel the need to start now. so if i am not an independent woman, fine. that's okay with me. i ahve been through enough shit in my life to enjoy my relationship with adrian and to enjoy the mundayne life that i lead.
there are numerous things in my life that concern me. i feel that the world is going to hell with all of the ignorant and selfish ppl that rule the world. i worry about all of the war and famine and hate that i can do little to help. i worry that i will live my whole life and not make a single difference in anyone elses. but i will NEVER regret who i am.
!!!
age 9: my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer
age 10: the doctors told us that she wasn't going to live. my mom decided that she wanted to die at home so for the next year i watched as her body and her mind deteriorated. i remember one occasion where she told me i could finish the strawberries, but there were no strawberries in my house let alone in front of us.
age 11: my mom died. it was at this point that my dad started to lose all use of his arms. it became increasingly more difficult for him to do everyday things like dress and cook for himself. so at age 11 i became the mother of the house doing all of the cooking and cleaning and raising my brother while my dad was at work all day and night.
age 14: a 17 year old boy created a rumor that we had slept together. my friends who had never cared about being popular suddenly decided that they did, and they couldn't be popular with a friend who wasn't a virgin. so i went into highschool with everyone, and i mean EVERYONE (as i live in a small town) calling me a slut.
age 15: i found a group of friends that i finally fit in with. this is also when i became addicted to E or whatever chem i coudl get my hands on.
age 16: i found out i was pregnate. coming from a family with no money, i knew that there was no way i could raise a child. so i had an abortion. it was after this that my sleeping problems started. any little noise at night made me think that some rapist/murdered was in my house. i slept iwth a phone on one side of my bed and a knife on the other. eventually i moved into my dad's room and slept on the spare bed in there. but even that didn't help. i was lucky if i got 1-2 hours of sleep each night.
age 17: i ODed on K, thus prompting me to give up on drugs. it was also at this time that my boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me out of the blue. the ppl that i considered my friends turned on me. leaving me alone once again. once i had finally gotten over this devastating breakup, i found out that he had cheated on me with some trailer trash girl. it was shortly after this that i started to date a guy who ended up emotionally abusing me for over 2.5 years. i know i could have left at anytime, and i did on a number of occasions. but the fear of being alone made me come back to him time and time again. it was also on this new years that i decided to do E again just for old time's sake and i ODed. i spent 4 hours in a bathroom puking up blood.
age 18: my dad's disability had completely destroyed his arms no longer allowing him to work. this meant we coudl no longer afford rent on our house and we were forced to move to oshawa (for those of you who know how DIRTY oshawa is, it was one of the most depressing things to ever happen to me)
after my first year of university i came back to oshawa only to find myself in complete and utter depression. i started to cut myself. after 3 months and not being able to stop, i got on meds and started to see a therapist. i decided 2 months after that that i did not want to be dependent on drugs and therapy for the rest of my life and stopped both. i wanted to knwo that i overcame my depression by myself.
age 19: my dad had won his battle with disability and they acknowledged that he needed support. we coudl finally afford to move to ajax. my brother had started to do blow and was never going to school. he was heading to the same place i once was, so getting out of oshawa was so important. it was also at age 19 that chris (the guy i had been dating for 2.5 years) and i broke up. i met a great guy, adrian, who i am still with now. i rekindled friendships that i thought were lost and i now have the greatest friends in the world.
through all of this i had a smile on my face. i never thought that life was that horrible and was always aware that someone else out there had it worse than i. i overcame drug addiction, abortion, devastating relationships, the loss of my mother at age 11, the disability of my father and the drug addiction of my brother, paranoid dellusions and depression. to this day i still have a smile on my face. so now i am happy in my uninteresting world. my week consists of sleep, work, adrian and seeing a few of my friends. and i am happy with this. so my apologies for those who read my journal and think that i am some dependent, sorry excuse for a woman. but this is my life and i am happy with that. i have never censored myself, or been unhappy with who i am and i do not feel the need to start now. so if i am not an independent woman, fine. that's okay with me. i ahve been through enough shit in my life to enjoy my relationship with adrian and to enjoy the mundayne life that i lead.
there are numerous things in my life that concern me. i feel that the world is going to hell with all of the ignorant and selfish ppl that rule the world. i worry about all of the war and famine and hate that i can do little to help. i worry that i will live my whole life and not make a single difference in anyone elses. but i will NEVER regret who i am.
!!!
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
Remember I am your friend till the end.
SG is a fun passtime or a job for some, but it shouldn't affect how you think or feel about yourself and your life. Don't let it get you down. HUGZ.
There will be ink and metal soon together, so that's something to look forward to cuz I'll get to see ya.
you rock, girl.