naiya

This week has been an emotional landslide, one I just want to forget. On Saturday I was really ill because I took many pills on Friday night, cheesy cheered me up by going shopping with me, even though I kept vanishing to be sick every so often. Sunday me and Mark split up, I told him to keep walking, and he did so and didn't look back, apparently 'doesn't like how he was treated in the isle of man' I don't 100% know what he's on about. And things as they stand now, well I don't really know what's going on.. he's been off with me all week, then Thursday texts me loads about me doing porn. He's not acting like the Mark I fell for. In fact right now he's acting like every fuck wit that I've ever slept with (bar the exceptions)
So on Sunday night there was car crash at home, a lad I went to school with was driving, and he was in my yr and in my class, James, his brother, Danny, was 15, the same age as my little sister Danny I've known for yrs, we used to play on this estate with a load of kids when I was younger, Danny once pretended he could ride a horse hah and fell off, he was a cheeky and cocky little git, who all the same was well mannered just had a fantastic sense of humour. He died on Monday night, from serious head injuries, a day after the crash. I'm immensely sad about this, as he was such a good person and to have died in such awful circumstances just sucks, I mean I know its life. But it always happens to the good people. He had a bright future ahead of him with his motor cross and the academic work. I guess as well as mourning the loss of a kid I grew up with, its pushed everything to the surface about how I lost Aalish, it's similar circumstances, and it's pushed it all into my face as to how much I miss her, and how nearly 2 yrs on, I'm not over it. And now I feel guilty because I'm not at home, so I can't lie remembrance flowers for Danny, to say how much he'll be missed. Nor can I go up to talk to Aalish to show her I'm still thinking of her, and theres not a day that goes by when I don't. I'm frustrated more than anything that I can't do this, but I guess I go home in 3 weeks, I'll no doubt miss Danny's funeral, but I'll send them a card I guess, send James a card, tell him I'm thinking of them all. The only good thing to come out of this, is Danny's organs have been donated, so he'll be helping people in ways that could be life saving. So part of that spirit and him is still living on, just through someone else.
In 21 says I'll be back on the rock, amongst friends and family, most of whom don't know I'll be back. This was only made possible thanks to my dear friend. And I thank him for this, he knows how deeply grateful I am, and how much I miss him and everyone else, if it wasn't for this I wouldn't have been going back til Easter. In 4 weeks I go to Bergamo, just outside Milan for a few days. I'm back on my birthday.
I understand life has its ups its downs, its like a rollercoaster, you can't predict or plan for what happens, coz that would just be too easy. And then it wouldn't be life, you'd have no challenges and it would be just mundane tasks day after day. These challenges are what makes us stronger
here's my little man, Sacha at 4 weeks old.. heh atm apperently he looks so silly, has 2 bald eyes - with grazes on and a bald patch on his chin the same size as a 50p he's been trying to shove his head under a cupboard mum thinks