Decisions.
Deciding whether to keep something in the past, present or as a possibility in the future, is something that your brain doesn't entirely want to consider, despite how sure you are sometimes. It's like this lead weight around your middle and it's pulling you down, because from one moment to the next you're not entirely sure what your heart wants. Being messed about so much that it screws with your head doesn't help this immense weight of decision making. Sometimes it's just too late to decide, whilst you two-ing and fro-ing someone has come in and made the decision for you, without even a second gasp as to what you want. Life throws things at you when your least expecting it, and usually, or so I've come to find, it only throws bad things at your when already another part of your life is falling apart, it's guaranteed to work like that, bad luck comes in spells. Or rather patches in my case as it seems at the moment. I try to be one not to moan, and I am thinking about the positive happy things which I have at the moment, but I have this longing sensation, and it hurts, because I know that I cannot do anything about it, it's beyond my control, even further out of reach than.. Than I just don't know.
You see as a human I come programmed with two different sets of want for someone.
Love and Lust.
Distinguishing between the pair is something I have struggled with. Being so sure that I'm in love, and realising maybe I wasn't and it was just an intense passionate lust, or maybe thinking about it, it really was love, who's really to say?
I mean, how can you love someone when you feel this way about two people, and sometimes, more often than not you feel stronger for one than the other. When you're with one, the other's on your mind, visa versa, only sometimes. It's just so confusingly complicated. Your head swarms with the joys of life, the love, the sex, the passion. I mean it's not all about sex nothing ever is, although I have this undoubtedly addiction to sex, and the emotional pain it can cause me through having sex with such nobodies, who insist on using me and never speaking to me again. I seem to thrive on that, maybe it's the attention I get, the being wanted for however long it takes for him to spill his load. Even though I know afterwards, I'll never see him again or hear from him every few weeks, or be bad mouthed and called names. Being referred to as a slut, a slapper and whatever else springs to his useless mind. I'm not referring to anyone in particular, but it's just in general I've found with the majority of blokes I've been with. I mean there have been good ones, ones who've treated me with decency and respect. Well 3 that I can think of off hand. This is probably about all, 2 of whom I'm questioning my feelings for.
There's one bad guy I am drawn to though, from the crap guys who've been not very nice to me. Gary, I met him through text accidentally, and then at Annette's house party. He was handsome, very handsome, he's only a bit taller than me so he's about 5'9, he's got dark hair, and a stubbly face even when he's just shaved, dark brown eyes, a gentle smile, fantastic body, a tattoo up his arm, his nipple's pierced and he's slightly tanned (kind of Mediterranean looking . He's nearly 25 and a window fitter with a bad boy reputation. Yes, I think that description does him justice. He's a womaniser and he knows how to work it to wrap you round his little finger and take you in time and time again. That first time at Annette's party, me and Andy were getting close, and I did lead him on, and I probably shouldn't seeing as though I was well aware that I had no intention of staying with him, and that I was going home with another guy, Gary. So he turned up, and it sparked a huge fight between me and Andy, and he went off in a strop, I got quite upset and Gary and I left in a taxi, we actually stayed up for hrs, till about 7am talking and getting to know one another, which was when the lies started. Although I wasn't aware at the time that it was like this at all. He told me how he treated his women with respect and how Lee had a kid and loads of his friends did but he didn't as he was to young etc. He seemed perfect, really tuned everything into what the women wanted to hear, but I guess that was all part of the ploy. Lure you in, fuck you, and fuck you over. Sadly, though, I'm lured to go back to him with this bad boy attitude. Time and time again, I think I've had sex with him about 6/7 times, in about 8 times of actually being in his company. All of which were unprotected, but only 3 of those times went the full way into him coming inside me. So as a result yeh I got pregnant, well for the small amount of time I knew, the day and half of it, before I start bleeding tremendously heavily and was in more severe pain than usual. I put it to the back of my mind. This was 3 months ago when my granddad was severely ill. Went to see a doctor a month later with the symptoms of severe exhaustion, and I had a blood test, and I was Anaemic, as a result of losing the thing. So yeah *shrugs* I never told Gary about it, I mean what's the point? Treat 'em mean keep him keen, seemed to be his philosophy on life.
But the two which I'm more emotionally drawn to, and have a connection with, are Juan and Phil, they are completely different situations, both as complicated as one another. But in some ways they both remind of me each other; maybe that's why I'm so drawn to both? Who knows.. I dunno but I shall sit and think what to write about these two and the situations over them, whilst you read this. I apologise for its length, and I hope all is well within your lives.
Deciding whether to keep something in the past, present or as a possibility in the future, is something that your brain doesn't entirely want to consider, despite how sure you are sometimes. It's like this lead weight around your middle and it's pulling you down, because from one moment to the next you're not entirely sure what your heart wants. Being messed about so much that it screws with your head doesn't help this immense weight of decision making. Sometimes it's just too late to decide, whilst you two-ing and fro-ing someone has come in and made the decision for you, without even a second gasp as to what you want. Life throws things at you when your least expecting it, and usually, or so I've come to find, it only throws bad things at your when already another part of your life is falling apart, it's guaranteed to work like that, bad luck comes in spells. Or rather patches in my case as it seems at the moment. I try to be one not to moan, and I am thinking about the positive happy things which I have at the moment, but I have this longing sensation, and it hurts, because I know that I cannot do anything about it, it's beyond my control, even further out of reach than.. Than I just don't know.
You see as a human I come programmed with two different sets of want for someone.
Love and Lust.
Distinguishing between the pair is something I have struggled with. Being so sure that I'm in love, and realising maybe I wasn't and it was just an intense passionate lust, or maybe thinking about it, it really was love, who's really to say?
I mean, how can you love someone when you feel this way about two people, and sometimes, more often than not you feel stronger for one than the other. When you're with one, the other's on your mind, visa versa, only sometimes. It's just so confusingly complicated. Your head swarms with the joys of life, the love, the sex, the passion. I mean it's not all about sex nothing ever is, although I have this undoubtedly addiction to sex, and the emotional pain it can cause me through having sex with such nobodies, who insist on using me and never speaking to me again. I seem to thrive on that, maybe it's the attention I get, the being wanted for however long it takes for him to spill his load. Even though I know afterwards, I'll never see him again or hear from him every few weeks, or be bad mouthed and called names. Being referred to as a slut, a slapper and whatever else springs to his useless mind. I'm not referring to anyone in particular, but it's just in general I've found with the majority of blokes I've been with. I mean there have been good ones, ones who've treated me with decency and respect. Well 3 that I can think of off hand. This is probably about all, 2 of whom I'm questioning my feelings for.
There's one bad guy I am drawn to though, from the crap guys who've been not very nice to me. Gary, I met him through text accidentally, and then at Annette's house party. He was handsome, very handsome, he's only a bit taller than me so he's about 5'9, he's got dark hair, and a stubbly face even when he's just shaved, dark brown eyes, a gentle smile, fantastic body, a tattoo up his arm, his nipple's pierced and he's slightly tanned (kind of Mediterranean looking . He's nearly 25 and a window fitter with a bad boy reputation. Yes, I think that description does him justice. He's a womaniser and he knows how to work it to wrap you round his little finger and take you in time and time again. That first time at Annette's party, me and Andy were getting close, and I did lead him on, and I probably shouldn't seeing as though I was well aware that I had no intention of staying with him, and that I was going home with another guy, Gary. So he turned up, and it sparked a huge fight between me and Andy, and he went off in a strop, I got quite upset and Gary and I left in a taxi, we actually stayed up for hrs, till about 7am talking and getting to know one another, which was when the lies started. Although I wasn't aware at the time that it was like this at all. He told me how he treated his women with respect and how Lee had a kid and loads of his friends did but he didn't as he was to young etc. He seemed perfect, really tuned everything into what the women wanted to hear, but I guess that was all part of the ploy. Lure you in, fuck you, and fuck you over. Sadly, though, I'm lured to go back to him with this bad boy attitude. Time and time again, I think I've had sex with him about 6/7 times, in about 8 times of actually being in his company. All of which were unprotected, but only 3 of those times went the full way into him coming inside me. So as a result yeh I got pregnant, well for the small amount of time I knew, the day and half of it, before I start bleeding tremendously heavily and was in more severe pain than usual. I put it to the back of my mind. This was 3 months ago when my granddad was severely ill. Went to see a doctor a month later with the symptoms of severe exhaustion, and I had a blood test, and I was Anaemic, as a result of losing the thing. So yeah *shrugs* I never told Gary about it, I mean what's the point? Treat 'em mean keep him keen, seemed to be his philosophy on life.
But the two which I'm more emotionally drawn to, and have a connection with, are Juan and Phil, they are completely different situations, both as complicated as one another. But in some ways they both remind of me each other; maybe that's why I'm so drawn to both? Who knows.. I dunno but I shall sit and think what to write about these two and the situations over them, whilst you read this. I apologise for its length, and I hope all is well within your lives.
nathanialblood:
*hugs*
seamus1979:
your in one complicated situation hun