naiya

'Where there is love there is peace. Where there is peace there is love.'

The flat is dark, the only light on, is the light in front of me, the laptop light. The TV's just black and white dots emerging into one another, buzzing and withering around like it's there last. Its 10 to 10 on the 28th July 2006. Everythings different today. Everything changed last night. All our worlds imploded. So Im turning my music on 'that terrible drone' to drown out the sounds of everyones sorrow, the rivers their crying into their pillows, blankets, hands, each other. The tears they cry in grief over Harry, my granddad. The most devoted and loving man youre probably ever likely to have met, who i was proud to call my grandfather. All's fallen silent; I think they've gone out. i heard the door bang, so I presume they have, the kittens downstairs, Im sitting on the sofa, laptop on my knee, a bit cold, curled up with granddads jumper, the one he wore yesterday, beside me. Smells like him, the smell will fade, and its not really anything I can register and associate with anything else, it was just granddads smell. I can feel that heavy feeling in my throat, my eyes feel damp. i think Im going to cry, I don't want to cry again, but too late, flowing my cheeks, i hope they'll stop before the others see me, and see Im crying, I don't want them to see it. Mum called me a star this morning, for yesterday. I don't feel like a star. I feel like a failure for him. Maybe Ill always think that, maybe that will fade, who knows? I'm tired, more than usual, I didn't sleep last night, I was up all night, writing, I wrote a poem for my granddad... And I wrote a letter to Juan...time soon flew by, today, we've been at the funeral directors, chose his coffin, gotten the obituary sorted, death certificate... Blah, blah stupid formalities *now the stupid cats hitting my hand as Im trying to type... Not something I need.....

Everything smells of him, and I dont understand how everything I own can smell of him. Its now nearly 2 weeks on since he left us. Weve had the funeral, weve all gone back to our every day lives. Leilahs continuing on with her friends, and her active social life, me and Mum have both gone back to work, and continue with our own social lives. Yet everything seems that much duller, and theres this huge chunk gone from our lives, this spark that ignited our days, even in his final hours, left us with nothing but our memories. Every day since Good Friday, weve spent hours with my Granddad, and now we have these hours we dont seem sure how to fill, he centered our lives. To me, he was more like a father, he attended school productions, prize givings, supported me fully in any life choices I chose to make. More than my own father ever did. Missing is something you put down and forget where you put it, but hurting for someone, is an entirely different feeling. Bereavement. One I will feel many more times in my life, but one in which I cant see past. Time will change this, but its a question of time, and I guess its different for each person, as to how long it takes. For now, my comfort and safety is his brown and black checked jumper, with its harsh fabric against my skin, and his smell close to me. Whilst beside me a picture sits, of him, in the very same jumper, with me clutching his side, with my baby sister in his arms. It reminds me of the times we shared, and the memories we had, whilst many other people have never had such attachment, or even a sense of really knowing their grandparents. I feel I will always remember the last time I saw him that night, and the contented love he had in his large blue eyes as they looked at me. He mistook me for Nana, Peggy, His dearly beloved late wife, who I never had the chance to meet. He stroked my arm, and cradled it against him, lying against the bars of the bed, in the hospital holding my other hand and lying, looking at me with such love and adoration in his eyes. He looked contented. It upset me, him thinking I was nana, but at the same time it provided him comfort in his final hours. Ill always love him, and hell always be a big part in my life, every decision I make it life, Ill think of it from his point of view, as to how hed look to thing. I aim to succeed for him.