I miss my mom.
Since her death last year, I've had numerous dreams about her. Very intense, REAL dreams.
Did you ever get those kinds of kisses from your mother, where she just... envelops you with her whole body, and kisses you on your face SO hard, over and over and over and over in the same spot? Mine did. A lot. Especially after I moved out, and would come home for visits. At that point, I was more into the receiving, I had missed it so much.
So last night's dream,.. She and I were just, talking. Almost every dream I have now with her in it, is just that. We talk about her death; how much we miss each other; how I am going to follow through in her footsteps career-wise. It's so comforting just... seeing her face. In my dreams, I become so happy and even more light hearted than I normally am in waking life, when I see her. At one point, she turned to me in the dream, took me in her arms for one of those tight hugs that only your mother can give you, and kissed the part of my cheek just like she used to when she was alive and happy. I burst into tears in the dream, yelling out "I miss you so much", and woke up whimpering, dryly half crying. Thankfully, I only half woke up, and Optimusmime was, while sleeping, my snuggle-comfort. I don't think he even realized it, which was good because we both woke up periodically throughout the night, and he needed his rest.
Being in the presence of your mother, you really feel that deep, unconditional, nurturing love. It's funny, because for so many years as a kid, I pushed that away, as kids do. But now, I would give anything for one last moment in her presence, yanno? To feel that motherly one last time; have more of a chance to say goodbye. Wishful thinking, I know.
It's still bizarre, thinking of her as "gone". She was very lively and lighthearted, yet firmly grounded in what she wanted from life, what she wanted to achieve. She was supposed to do so much more! She was supposed to know Darry! And be at our wedding. And be there when I give birth! Parts of me take joy in her having been present for so many peoples births as a labor and delivery nurse; parts of me ache because she will never see my own births, or her grandchildren. She would have loved Darry, she really would have.
Anyway. Brian Regan, tonight! I'm very excited. And Darry gets off early tonight, too. Double yay!
Since her death last year, I've had numerous dreams about her. Very intense, REAL dreams.
Did you ever get those kinds of kisses from your mother, where she just... envelops you with her whole body, and kisses you on your face SO hard, over and over and over and over in the same spot? Mine did. A lot. Especially after I moved out, and would come home for visits. At that point, I was more into the receiving, I had missed it so much.
So last night's dream,.. She and I were just, talking. Almost every dream I have now with her in it, is just that. We talk about her death; how much we miss each other; how I am going to follow through in her footsteps career-wise. It's so comforting just... seeing her face. In my dreams, I become so happy and even more light hearted than I normally am in waking life, when I see her. At one point, she turned to me in the dream, took me in her arms for one of those tight hugs that only your mother can give you, and kissed the part of my cheek just like she used to when she was alive and happy. I burst into tears in the dream, yelling out "I miss you so much", and woke up whimpering, dryly half crying. Thankfully, I only half woke up, and Optimusmime was, while sleeping, my snuggle-comfort. I don't think he even realized it, which was good because we both woke up periodically throughout the night, and he needed his rest.
Being in the presence of your mother, you really feel that deep, unconditional, nurturing love. It's funny, because for so many years as a kid, I pushed that away, as kids do. But now, I would give anything for one last moment in her presence, yanno? To feel that motherly one last time; have more of a chance to say goodbye. Wishful thinking, I know.
It's still bizarre, thinking of her as "gone". She was very lively and lighthearted, yet firmly grounded in what she wanted from life, what she wanted to achieve. She was supposed to do so much more! She was supposed to know Darry! And be at our wedding. And be there when I give birth! Parts of me take joy in her having been present for so many peoples births as a labor and delivery nurse; parts of me ache because she will never see my own births, or her grandchildren. She would have loved Darry, she really would have.
Anyway. Brian Regan, tonight! I'm very excited. And Darry gets off early tonight, too. Double yay!
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
valkyrie:
I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. 
sibby:
Im sorry sweetie... 