Alright, so the past 2 weeks I've somewhat distanced myself from the site, a bit.
I have had some passing self esteem issues of late, and yes, I am shallow enough to admit that seeing a plethora of skinny legged, flat tummied, perky assed wee girls have kind of blown some wind out of my sails.
This sounds so ridiculous, even as I type it out to myself. I think it's so fucking silly to feel like this. I really do.
While there are awesome groups for us BBW's, and so many awesome people in those groups as well, I still feel like this site is so centered on such thin women! ( Yes, I do have my "state the obvious" pin from Girl Scouts.)
I guess you could say that I suffer from an immense dichotomy in my head, about how I feel about my own appearance a lot. I'm not vain, not in the least; but ugh, I wish that whatever measures I take to reverse the past couple years of lack of excersize, were instant. >.< I hate droning on and on about this sort of thing, whining or whatever this is, is very not my style. I guess right now is a not so balanced time, from my head's perspective.
Which is ok, I guess, my head is still pretty fucked up over my mother's suicide. Every other minute, it seems I'm thinking of her, and my heart breaks. It's been a hard time, mentally. Keeping it together has been a real project the past month or so. The freaking intense dreams I have of her are so insane, and waking up and facing the day after them is so damn hard sometimes. I can still do it, no doubt, my body can autopilot myself through the day enough so that my head doesn't have to feel much, which I guess is a saving grace of sorts.
I just wish it wasn't so hard.
Other than than, today was a pretty good day, the weather is amazingly clear, and we went to San Fran today to touch up my memorial tattoo for my mother, and Darry started his second tarot card, which looks awesome saucesome.
Sidenotes from today thus far:
I need to get a job, and asap.
I hate being lied to.
I hate being not really lied to, but kind of fed a line - or 5.
I hate when people can't just be up front with me, and tell me the effing truth about why they can't come to fucking D&D night, again, tonight.
I love my boyfriend, he is awesome.
My dog really needs to get on the ball with this whole peeing in the house thing. ~.~
I need to grocery shopping, as of a few weeks ago.
School awaits me. YAY! But when?
Life awaits me...
I have had some passing self esteem issues of late, and yes, I am shallow enough to admit that seeing a plethora of skinny legged, flat tummied, perky assed wee girls have kind of blown some wind out of my sails.
This sounds so ridiculous, even as I type it out to myself. I think it's so fucking silly to feel like this. I really do.
While there are awesome groups for us BBW's, and so many awesome people in those groups as well, I still feel like this site is so centered on such thin women! ( Yes, I do have my "state the obvious" pin from Girl Scouts.)
I guess you could say that I suffer from an immense dichotomy in my head, about how I feel about my own appearance a lot. I'm not vain, not in the least; but ugh, I wish that whatever measures I take to reverse the past couple years of lack of excersize, were instant. >.< I hate droning on and on about this sort of thing, whining or whatever this is, is very not my style. I guess right now is a not so balanced time, from my head's perspective.
Which is ok, I guess, my head is still pretty fucked up over my mother's suicide. Every other minute, it seems I'm thinking of her, and my heart breaks. It's been a hard time, mentally. Keeping it together has been a real project the past month or so. The freaking intense dreams I have of her are so insane, and waking up and facing the day after them is so damn hard sometimes. I can still do it, no doubt, my body can autopilot myself through the day enough so that my head doesn't have to feel much, which I guess is a saving grace of sorts.
I just wish it wasn't so hard.
Other than than, today was a pretty good day, the weather is amazingly clear, and we went to San Fran today to touch up my memorial tattoo for my mother, and Darry started his second tarot card, which looks awesome saucesome.
Sidenotes from today thus far:
I need to get a job, and asap.
I hate being lied to.
I hate being not really lied to, but kind of fed a line - or 5.
I hate when people can't just be up front with me, and tell me the effing truth about why they can't come to fucking D&D night, again, tonight.
I love my boyfriend, he is awesome.
My dog really needs to get on the ball with this whole peeing in the house thing. ~.~
I need to grocery shopping, as of a few weeks ago.
School awaits me. YAY! But when?
Life awaits me...
And you pretty fucking awesome, yourself.