nailedinplace

well well here i am back from my vacation and let me tell you it was the shit !!! we all had alot of fun and we'll definately have to plan for another one ( when we all recover from the huge dent in our bank accounts ) what does suck it that one of my friends couldn't go ( stupid probation ) but he sent his little brother in his place ... i didn't have a problem with that cause me and his brother are friends too i just wish his probation officer would have let him go but there's always next time , plus that will teach his ass to get 2 DUI's a few months before our trip !!! our little group for this trip consists of myself , my friends lil bro Corn (nickname), one of my best friends Sara , and her cuisin Jennifer .........anyway it was about a 20 hour drive to miami so we took my truck and drove in shifts nonstop all the way there ....... i drove first and as soon i we got to tennessee i got a $100 speeding ticket so that sucked but later on in the trip i won exactly $100 in the casino so it kinda worked it self out .........i drove thru the mountains in georgia and would have loved to see them but i was late at night so i had to use my imagination haha ( and lo and behold when we drive back we hit the mountains at night again better luck for me next time i guess ) by the way drivin the city streets of downtown atlanta reminded me of lake shore drive here in chicago , it was kind cool .........it pretty much stayed cold until we hit florida then it warmed up quick and let me tell you the sun is BRIGHT AS HELL out there !!! i loved the scenery it felt like i was in a grand theft auto video game with all the palm trees everywhere .........finally we got to our hotel and on the outside it was fuckin awesome but the actual room we stayed in was ghetto as hell and only had one bed !! lol it was already almost midnite by the time we got showered up ( 20 hour car ride will make you stink for some reason lol ) so we went out to eat real quick and started the vacation off right with some drinks .........and some more drinks ...........and some more drinks ............ and next thing we are on the strip on the beach takin crazy pics and then we chilled by the ocean for a bit , it was definatly a good time ........ at the end we were all exhausted from the drive and none of us could really walk straight anyway so we headed back to the room .......... and then we remembered we only had one small ass bed and 4 bodies so we had to slide the mattress off of the box spring and after that if you weren't in the bathroom you were standin on either of the " beds " .......... me and corn being the gentlemen that we are gave the girls the mattress while we took the hard ass box spring ( by gentlemen i mean that we lost a coin toss but i would have gave it up even if we had won lol ) .......when we woke up the next morning we swam in the ocean for a bit then checked out some of the shops that were closed the night before and after that we set off to find our cruise ship and by the time we found it i had to take a leak so bad i went in the parkin lot ( too much info ? tell someone who cares lol ) now up to that point i had never been on a boat let alone a cruise ship and this ship was so damn big i was suprised it could float at all ! we checked our bags hopped aboard and found or rooms ( got two seperate rooms and enuff beds for everyone this time haha ) then we set off to explore the ship and get wasted .......... the ship had a dance clubs , a casino , tons of bars , showrooms , shops , tons of shit to do !!!! plus they gave you a list of shows and things that were goin on so you knew what was happenin on the other floors ......... the very first day i saw this incredible looking girl all by herself with a bunch of piercings in her lip and purple and black hair ( definatley my type !! ) and i REALLY wanted to talk to her but i lost her in the crowd and didn't see her again until the end of the trip and let me tell you that was definatle the WORST timing but i get to that later ........ some of the hightlights of our adventures on the cruise included ........


; me leading a team of old men to victory in a game of battle of the sexes ( kinda like family feud men vs. ladies ) the game host said that for the last 19 games straight the girls team has always beat the guys and we were gettin our asses handed to us early on but made an incredible comeback at the end or so i thought ...... sara got picked by the game show host to keep score for both teams and litlle did i know but towards the end when the guys were makin a comeback she started fixing the score in our favor and when she told me after we had won and i was voted male mvp i laughed so hard i almost fell down a flight of stairs....

; me gettin forced on stage by waitress on the ship and a table of middle aged women to compete in the men's hairy chest competition ..... ( yes , thats right , they had a hairy chest competition ) lemme tell you i was totally wasted and totally unprepared for what was about to go down on this stage so here goes ........ there was a group of hairy guys and a group of female judges one of whom was , thats right you guessed it , my friend sara ( she always got my back ) anyway one at a time each guy had to dance down the runway get up on stage, and dance with the judges who were instructed to rub our hairy chest and/or hairy back ( i don't even have alot of chest hair so why i was forced to enter this contest is beyond me ) and after we were groped by the judges we had to get on the microphone and give our best tarzan yell ..... all of this was on the main deck and in front of atleast 250 people and i'm a pretty shy guy when it comes to dancin so when the host tells us this i'm nervous as hell ....... and the host ofcourse picks me to go first !! so here i am drunk infront of all these people waitin for me to entertain them ........and entertain them i did !! the music came on and i didn't know what the hell to do so i did what any drunk guy would have did which was notice a lady who was sittin readin a book not payin attention grab her and start shakin my ass all over the place !! bad idea ? i think not ! for some reason the crowd loved that and then my drunk ass decides to do a backflip and holy shit i landed it ! the crowd went nuts !! then i made way up to the judges and just kept breakin it down ( all while getting my not so hairy chest rubbed on by sara and the other judges ) and one of the girls wraps her leg around me and then we really got down and bfore ya know it my turn was up and i couldn't belive that i didn't make a complete fool of myself !!!! oh wait...... i forgot about the tarzan yell ....... well that part didn't go as good cause my best effort sounded like a howling wolf gettin hit by a truck but who gives a fuck ? lol in the end i got beat by a guy from new york but i was famous on the ship from then on and kept hearing from diff people how i should've won but fuck it i had fun ! i guess i really am too sexy for my shirt ?....lmao


; the formal dinner was another highlight , we got to get all dressed up and eat a 3 course gourmet meal in a formal dining room and lemme tell you when we sat down we each had like 5 forks and 8 spoons and some of them were shaped a little different and i was honestly confused as hell on which ones we were supposed to use but then they bought out the first plate and then i was just confused about what the hell i was eatiing but i ate it anyway ( duck , squid , octupus, .... all very good tasting stuff apparently ) i was kinda buzzed up to begin with and when the waitress came to me so i could pay for my drinks i decided to try and pay her with my room keycard instead of my credit card ( i really thought i was holdin out my credit card ! needless to say she declined the offer that i had no idea i was giving anyway lol she must have not saw my performance earlier that day haha ) i laughed it off, fed sara some grapes ( don't remember whose idea that was ) and carried on ....... and if you looked at the pictures yes by the end of the night i was wearing a bandana with my suit ......

: when we got to the bahamas we all wanted to score some weed ( yep we're all smokers shame on us )
so we went walkin around takin pictures and visitin shops when this shop owner and me start talkin back and forth just bullshiting and he tells me to ask a cab driver to take us to get hooked up so thats what we did and to my suprise the first driver i asked ( the group put me in charge of this paticular situation ) said with no hesistation that he knew just the place ( the place happened to be in the ghettos of the bahamas ) the drive there was INTENSE ..... i guess in the bahamas stop signs don't exsist and there is no center line or traffic signals so you literally weave in and out of traffic until you either crash or get to where your going ...... after a very dangerous cab ride ( cab driver was cool as hell tho ) we got our score and it didn't look like anything special until we smoked it ........ i couldn't even spell stoned after that shit ! .... we got dropped of at the beach where they serve drinks inside a coconut which i would eat after i drank what was in it ( did you get all that ? ) and ricardo ( driver's name) pointed out that if we didn't see him we should catch a ride back with his friend who he introduced as "fat mutha fucka " ...... so needless to say ricardo was nowhere to be found later on but fat mutha fucka got us back just fine .......

; yet another highlight was my very first full body massage .........so sara wants to get a massage
but she doesn't want to go alone ........her cousin doesn't want to go and neither does corn so i am voluntered against my will yet once again ( i'm all for gettin rubbed on by pretty girls but not for $125 !!!! plus i was rapidly runnin out of time lookin for the pierced cutie i saw the first day ) anyway she called the spa and set us up for a COUPLES full body massage ......... now let's get somethin straight ...... me and sara are great friends but we aren't a couple and she has a boyfriend who she claims she is in love with and i have no problem with any of that but why she would sign us up for the couples full body massage and FREAK OUT when they the massage ladies assume were a couple !! lol and then they tell us their gonna leave the room while we undress each other ..... i am laughing hysterically because sara is tellin them she has a boyfriend back home and their lookin at me like well what the hell are you doin here with this guy and so on........ she convinces them to hang a curtain for her to undress behind . she also convinces me not to peek lol anyway 5 minutes later were both naked lyin face down on a bed gettin rubbed on ....... the lady giving my massage was from the phillipines and she knew what the hell she was doin ( mental note to self : order a bride from the phillipines who knows how to massage ) the whole massage felt great except for one point when i thought she was gonna break my arm but other than that i loved it . and for all you pervs out there there was no happy ending . bummer . what i did learn was apparently sara REALLY does not want me to see her naked ...... LMAO next time don't ask me to tag along for a couples massage then !!!! i am sworn to secrecy to not tell her boyfriend .....


; this highlight has nothing to do with me or my friends but it has to do with a banana and .... so they have a contest to determine who can dance the sexiest with a banana in their hand and this contest had a suprise ending let me tell you that much .......ofcourse the young girls were gettin up there freakin with the banana and alot of them were pretty good too . they even had a couple of the guys give it shot ( i made sure not to get thrown into this contest ) but then came the final contestant ........ a tiny 70 year old asian woman ...... listen here my friends , they turned on the music and this grandma transformed into the dirtiest , naughtyiest , striptease grandma to ever walk this earth right before our eyes !!!! the things she did with that piece of fruit had to be illegal in some states and i really think she was a stripper in her younger years ........ lol to top it all of she slowy peeled the banana and yep you got it , grandmilf deepthroated the fucking banana . PRICELESS !
contest over , winner = grandmother of banana porn dancing

; my last little highlight could have turned out to be REALLY fucked up for all of us but now that it's over i find it pretty funny ......... well it's time for us to pack up our bags because in the morning vacation is over and we get off the boat and head back home ........we still got a decent amount of weed left and sara who has been on a cruise before insists that that all you have to do is go thru a metal detector and then no more security . yep you know what is coming ...... the weed goes in my jock ....... we go to check out thru miami customs ...... and we almost make it ......... until one of miami's finest strolls up with his drug dog who immediately starts sniffin my crotch . ..... i look at the cop who is lookin right back at me and i know whats about to happen ...... come with me sir ............. ouch those words hurt and with him i went along with sara and jenifer ( corn already checked out in front of us ) he takes me to the border patrol set up in the back and takes me to the back room .......... then he says the all to familiar line " do you have anything on you that you shouldn't be carrying ? " ....... i might have been dumb enough to try to sneak some pot over the border but i'm smart enuff to know when i'm caught so i reply immediately " why i sure do " and hand him the bag ....... all the while i'm prayin that i don't have to get a cavity search because i'm quite sure i wouln't appreciate fingers up my ass ........ he thanks me for bein honest and starts searchin my bags after he pats me down ( no cavity search thank god ) he tells me since i was honest and didn't cause him any trouble that i would be slapped with a $500 fine ........ i tell him that his dog is really smart and i gotta use an atm machine cause i don't have any more cash on me and he hesitates at first but then agrees to escort me to an atm ........ which is all the way back on the ship !! by the way i am fighting the urge to ask to have my picture taken with the dog ( i was pretty stoked on not having to go to jail )
so here i am being escorted back onto the ship with robocop's hand on my shoulder and i keep hearing " hey there's the guy from the dance contest " and a group of ladies actually stopped us to tell me that they still think i should've won . maybe they didn't notice that i was about to be placed under arrest ?? the cop looks a little confused by all this so i fill him in on how i almost became a hairy chested champion . but none of this mattered to me at that moment . here comes the icing on the cake folks ........ remember the pierced cutie that i kept my eye out for but never ran into again UNTIL the end of the trip ?? well fate would have it that as soon as me and robocop hit a flight of stairs we look up and there she is coming down the stairs , carrying her luggage , still by herself , still looking incredibly attractive except this time we lock eyes and smile at each other just for a few moments and then she looks back once and disappears into the crowd again ........ robocop decides to state the obvious " i think she liked you " ........ i am silently kicking myself in the ass for the next 45 minutes ........ anyway i get to the atm and pay the fine and i discover that sara got searched too just for being with me and lo and behold she had a dimebag in her bra ......... so an hour of threats and $1000 dollars later they release us into the country to start our 20 hour drive back home ...... good thing i still had a couple joints i left in the car for the long ride home hahaha ............. lesson of the day ; don't brings drugs into the country , i aslo learned that now whenever me and sara leave or enter the country our names will pop up to be searched everytime ......and i'm still hopin none of those involve a cavity search ............ best vacation of my life who wants to come next time ???????
by the way i posted some pics but i my camera was actin stupid so when i get the rest of the pics from my friends i'll post'em up for ya to see