nadzofsteel

I wasn't working during that time. Pretty much at all. My work is kind of on the freelance tip, and there was no business. My goal during that time was to catch up on a bunch of things that I'd needed to get around to for about the past year, but never had time. It was all stuff to benefit me in the future and gather more business. Things like building a website for the first time for the consulting business I've had for 13 years, plus a bunch of other methods of chasing down more work. I was trying to do all this from home, and failed miserably. I was insanely distracted, mostly by toys at home and all sorts of errands that almost took over as each day's work. Not good. And I'd end each day feeling intensely guilty about not getting anything done.

Since August I'd been seeing an unbelievable woman, a teacher from Long Island who was an absolute diamond of a person. Beautiful, intelligent, flavorful, and we even shared some of the same neuroses. All my lack of accomplishment was really getting to me late in the year, though: the guilt and disappointment in my self over how I was getting nothing important done, even as I tried to strip away as many distractions as possible. Around mid-December I had to put that relationship on hold because I had nothing to contribute to it, and in order to get anything of my own done I had to be left with nothing to pay attention to or do but work. She was kind enough to totally understand.

Around mid-December, somehow things started to pick up. I've since checked the majority of my to-do list off, and I'm far more motivated to work, take my goals (more) seriously, and act on that like a normal person should. I'm even paying better attention to my health.
The catch is that the one force behind all that positive change is a new woman I met around Thanksgiving. Yeah, there was some overlap, but I told her, too, that I was not in a situation to be a presence in a relationship. She had ankle surgery and wasn't able to even go out much, as it happened, so basically we did a lot of sitting around together and ended up coupling off. She's so driven, hard-working, and put together, that it ended up setting this example for me to live up to, and I credit her (presence) fully for taking me out of my funk.
The miserable thing is that I had to break someone's heart as a result of my new relationship, which I'm fully committed to now. I felt horrible, both about doing that to an amazing woman I cared about, about breaking a promise, about adding to someone else's pains. I hate even the thought of making some one cry tears of sorrow.

So, in retrospect, I was depressed. But I had no idea. I'm guessing I'd just never had the pleasure before. Now I know. What's crazy to me is that I couldn't/didn't get out of it by myself. I'm endlessly grateful for my girl being the one to shine the light for me, but until now I've always been the most self-reliant person I know.
She's not on this pervy mess of a site, but I hope a number of you get to meet her.