nadya

With every breathe I take I feel like I have taken on your asthma attacks that killed you in October when we were 13.

Your grave stone said "breathe easy".

Mine will say something meaningful. But no one will tattoo it on their wrists like yours.

Maybe I'll have them engrave your name over mine.

Best friends forever.

And I think when your lungs stopped pumping
God must have heaved a sigh in their place just for taking you away.

To my dearest Ryan:
I am still here trying.
And every night the lights go down
I wish you back home to ground.

I am dying to find you in everyone I meet. Please forgive me.

there are these times at night when i am drifting off to sleep...
i see your eyes open wide and your lungs open too.
and i fight myself not to wake up
because you will never be alive.

and i don't know what to do
because i love you and want you to come back home
so that i can stand up for you in the lunch room when they make fun of your shoes.
do you remember when you gave me your school picture
and on the back it read:
"Nadia. I love you."

i wish i had one to give back to you
and when you'd turn it over
it would say:
"If you loved me you wouldn't go away"
______________________________________________

Update: 5:23 pm

I was doing homework and i fell asleep and dreamt of being in Costa Rica where there were sloths!!! and everyone was half naked and drunk and happy... and i was getting sexual pleasure of some kind (not by the sloths). BUT THEN I woke to my school book and my face drenched in drool here in my shitty room in california. Talk about disappointing.

My boys is spending the night tonight... i'm excited!!! Sleeping minus the snoring and involuntary muscle spasms of the person next to you isn't as great as one would think.