so i just filled up a cup of water and walked to my window and tossed its contents at two cats who at first i thought were fucking, but they were fighting something fierce. and it went on for about 3 minutes till i tossed the water.
don't they know how to run away. even my opening the window did not scare them off. the water splashing down on them sure did.
i felt bad throwing the water, but they seemed to be damn near killing each other.
the heat is seeping into their brains too.
i sit her thinking about the heat and how i think my eyes are melting. i have taken 3 showers today and am about to take another.
but the heat has me thinking about fire, as i feel like i am being slowly turned round a spit. and for some reason my mind wandered back to an episode some 14 or so years ago. it was the last three days of my high school career, and i had passed out of my finals, so i did not have to be there. so i went with my buddy matthew to the beach to met up with his friends robbie and jerome. the goal was to smoke a ton of pot and sleep on the beach with a bonfire. robbie and jerome were also going to drop acid.
well matthew and i left our house about 9 pm, and it was about 1.75 hours to the beach. well we drove down singing along to the beatles, at one point we turned off the cd and just sang rocky raccoon by heart -- i would be hard pressed to do this now, that is for sure. all the while we were smoking pot.
i drove a 1970 VW camper van so were were set to open up the back and sleep, and we had oh i don't know maybe 2 oz of pot to smoke as well.
but we get to the beach around midnight, as we made a few stops for god knows what and drove around to find robbie and jerome.
well it took about -- well it felt like 3 hours -- 20 minutes to find them. they had built a fire in the sand, but it was not all that big. but i had about 10 big logs that we through on and it quickly grew to mammoth proportions. hell i was stoned it probably was not all that big. but we sat in the sand and talked about big things -- going away to school: robbie to oregon, matthew to austin, me to vermont, and jerome had dropped out of school and was to stay put taking drugs and working job after job till he no longer looked young and felt even older.
but as we sat there and finished all the pot we brought and they brought i became immersed with the flames. they were so vivid and as robbie and jerome, who were tripping quite heavily ran out into the water making noise, i began to see a story play out inside the flames. it was almost like a black and white movie, but colored in yellows and reds and oranges along with the black from the moonless sky.
i stared at the flames till they became bright embers, claiming that the lesson that i had learned would revolutionize everything -- again i was stoned out of my gourd. i remember cars driving by so slow that i believed that time must have been shifted, and i was moving at a level far faster than i had ever done before. the rest of the world was silent and slow. matthew could not even break my trance .
well we slowly realized that sleep was necessary and opted to sleep in my van. robbie and jerome were gone, only their car remained. i had so much to process as the flames had spoken to me. matthew just looked at me and said: "you are fucking stoned," at such a slow speed i did not understand it till 3 minutes later.
but to sleep i went.
the sounds of high tide woke us up. robbie and jerome had escaped sometime during the early morning. so we got in the car, my mind still filled with smoke. but i went to look at the ashes hoping to get one last piece of info. they were silent. we drove home in near silence, only a quiet droning of early neil young and my mind trying to remember what important message the flames provided me. the quick sleep of the night before had wiped the memory form my head.
the ride home was quick. i walked upstairs and sat on my foam mattress and did my damnedest to recall anything from the flames. nothing. i passed out for a few late morning hours, and drove to school to pick up my friend beth so that we could go to a museum downtown.
there was a painting of flames there and i was enthralled by it. standing there, i looked intently into it hoping that it might jar my memory. beth tried to get me to go to another room, i did not budge. i tried to tell here about the pictures, the voices, the meaning wrapped around flames, the ones i could only seem to grasp hold of like smoke slowly lifting away from the fire.
she walked away.
we went for coffee and talked about how different life would be once i went to college. i had a crush on her something fierce, but never said a thing, knowing she would remain in texas in my old school. we talked some more, but i was distant, wanting to discover what i had lost over the past night.
well i took beth home and went home to find matthew still laughing at my 'flame story'. we went out to my van and smoked more pot, but not like the night before and talked about going to school the next day, our last day, to say goodbye and pick up our caps and gowns. i went back upstairs and watched the yellow submarine for like the 50th time, hoping the madness of pepperland would pry the story out of my head. nothing.
we got up for school the next day and were both probably still stoned. slowly i drove to school and mentioned that i smelled gas, but we were a bit late, and matthew smelt nothing. as i approached the school down a long row of houses i looked at my gas gauge and mentioned that i needed to fill-up on our way home. then the engine shook and my gas peddle fell to the floor and the car shuddered.
we looked at each other and then saw the flames coming from being where the motor was. out of the car we quickly lurched for the fire extinguisher. it was not enough. my van, my pot, my music, my memories, so many things quickly were engulfed in flames. the fire department came and turned the red flames, black billowing smoke plumes, and startled faces all around to black burned out embers in a no longer yellowed van shell. and then i knew what the message was. i was seeing the wood structurally change and break down, it was all a metaphor for a big change in my life. i had looked into the fire to see that i could never go back. and matthew, robbie, jerome have never all 4 hung out sense. i actually gave up smoking pot entirely, saying the fire told me to stop. i only have smoked it 3 times since. my chemical make-up had just changed and out of the ashes of my van was a different person. i shed all my high school friends over the next year but matthew and vincent. only to lose vincent the next year, actually cast him away, as he had burned up in front of my eyes as well, bursting forth like a phoenix as a person i stared at trying to figure out rather than looking and knowing everything was all right.
and every time it gets hot, as my brow dampens i consider what is the next thing in my life to change, will more things erode away or will the heat create. now, i totally understand.
don't they know how to run away. even my opening the window did not scare them off. the water splashing down on them sure did.
i felt bad throwing the water, but they seemed to be damn near killing each other.
the heat is seeping into their brains too.
i sit her thinking about the heat and how i think my eyes are melting. i have taken 3 showers today and am about to take another.
but the heat has me thinking about fire, as i feel like i am being slowly turned round a spit. and for some reason my mind wandered back to an episode some 14 or so years ago. it was the last three days of my high school career, and i had passed out of my finals, so i did not have to be there. so i went with my buddy matthew to the beach to met up with his friends robbie and jerome. the goal was to smoke a ton of pot and sleep on the beach with a bonfire. robbie and jerome were also going to drop acid.
well matthew and i left our house about 9 pm, and it was about 1.75 hours to the beach. well we drove down singing along to the beatles, at one point we turned off the cd and just sang rocky raccoon by heart -- i would be hard pressed to do this now, that is for sure. all the while we were smoking pot.
i drove a 1970 VW camper van so were were set to open up the back and sleep, and we had oh i don't know maybe 2 oz of pot to smoke as well.
but we get to the beach around midnight, as we made a few stops for god knows what and drove around to find robbie and jerome.
well it took about -- well it felt like 3 hours -- 20 minutes to find them. they had built a fire in the sand, but it was not all that big. but i had about 10 big logs that we through on and it quickly grew to mammoth proportions. hell i was stoned it probably was not all that big. but we sat in the sand and talked about big things -- going away to school: robbie to oregon, matthew to austin, me to vermont, and jerome had dropped out of school and was to stay put taking drugs and working job after job till he no longer looked young and felt even older.
but as we sat there and finished all the pot we brought and they brought i became immersed with the flames. they were so vivid and as robbie and jerome, who were tripping quite heavily ran out into the water making noise, i began to see a story play out inside the flames. it was almost like a black and white movie, but colored in yellows and reds and oranges along with the black from the moonless sky.
i stared at the flames till they became bright embers, claiming that the lesson that i had learned would revolutionize everything -- again i was stoned out of my gourd. i remember cars driving by so slow that i believed that time must have been shifted, and i was moving at a level far faster than i had ever done before. the rest of the world was silent and slow. matthew could not even break my trance .
well we slowly realized that sleep was necessary and opted to sleep in my van. robbie and jerome were gone, only their car remained. i had so much to process as the flames had spoken to me. matthew just looked at me and said: "you are fucking stoned," at such a slow speed i did not understand it till 3 minutes later.
but to sleep i went.
the sounds of high tide woke us up. robbie and jerome had escaped sometime during the early morning. so we got in the car, my mind still filled with smoke. but i went to look at the ashes hoping to get one last piece of info. they were silent. we drove home in near silence, only a quiet droning of early neil young and my mind trying to remember what important message the flames provided me. the quick sleep of the night before had wiped the memory form my head.
the ride home was quick. i walked upstairs and sat on my foam mattress and did my damnedest to recall anything from the flames. nothing. i passed out for a few late morning hours, and drove to school to pick up my friend beth so that we could go to a museum downtown.
there was a painting of flames there and i was enthralled by it. standing there, i looked intently into it hoping that it might jar my memory. beth tried to get me to go to another room, i did not budge. i tried to tell here about the pictures, the voices, the meaning wrapped around flames, the ones i could only seem to grasp hold of like smoke slowly lifting away from the fire.
she walked away.
we went for coffee and talked about how different life would be once i went to college. i had a crush on her something fierce, but never said a thing, knowing she would remain in texas in my old school. we talked some more, but i was distant, wanting to discover what i had lost over the past night.
well i took beth home and went home to find matthew still laughing at my 'flame story'. we went out to my van and smoked more pot, but not like the night before and talked about going to school the next day, our last day, to say goodbye and pick up our caps and gowns. i went back upstairs and watched the yellow submarine for like the 50th time, hoping the madness of pepperland would pry the story out of my head. nothing.
we got up for school the next day and were both probably still stoned. slowly i drove to school and mentioned that i smelled gas, but we were a bit late, and matthew smelt nothing. as i approached the school down a long row of houses i looked at my gas gauge and mentioned that i needed to fill-up on our way home. then the engine shook and my gas peddle fell to the floor and the car shuddered.
we looked at each other and then saw the flames coming from being where the motor was. out of the car we quickly lurched for the fire extinguisher. it was not enough. my van, my pot, my music, my memories, so many things quickly were engulfed in flames. the fire department came and turned the red flames, black billowing smoke plumes, and startled faces all around to black burned out embers in a no longer yellowed van shell. and then i knew what the message was. i was seeing the wood structurally change and break down, it was all a metaphor for a big change in my life. i had looked into the fire to see that i could never go back. and matthew, robbie, jerome have never all 4 hung out sense. i actually gave up smoking pot entirely, saying the fire told me to stop. i only have smoked it 3 times since. my chemical make-up had just changed and out of the ashes of my van was a different person. i shed all my high school friends over the next year but matthew and vincent. only to lose vincent the next year, actually cast him away, as he had burned up in front of my eyes as well, bursting forth like a phoenix as a person i stared at trying to figure out rather than looking and knowing everything was all right.
and every time it gets hot, as my brow dampens i consider what is the next thing in my life to change, will more things erode away or will the heat create. now, i totally understand.