n8tvegrl

So here's the big question in my life right now. What kind of a person am I?

I used to have a clear picture of myself and my values and ideals. Now I wonder who the hell I think I am? After six years in a relationship with someone I started out being MADLY in love with... I'm now just too settled to get out of what has become more codependent than anything. Why am I still there? Is comfort really that important?

When did I become a whore? When you add it up I'm little more than that. I'm too afraid of the discomfort involved in getting my own place, dividing up our "stuff", explaining the reality to my seven year old son and one year old daughter, and living in a reduced quality of life. So I won't have a big screen television and my beautiful stainless steel fridge.... I can live with that. But I'll be back to apt life with a rowdy young boy who wants to go play in the back yard and I won't be able to give him that. That's the part that kills me.

So I'm not TOTALLY a whore.... more chicken than anything. But when did I give up on true love? When did I lose faith in MYSELF and my ability to do ANYTHING I put my mind on?

The worst part is that I can look at all of this and still stay in my miserable situation because I just can't seem to shit or get off the pot.