um...
things have been pretty bad. to the point that i am now debating cancelling my trip. i'm just too overwhelmed right now and a total mess. i really don't know what to do any more. i've never cancelled a trip in my life for anything. i've gone to foreign countries alone without problem, so i have no idea why i feel so compelled to bail.
right now i want to smash the living shit out of all the lightbulbs in my bathroom, kick in the screen of this fucking computer, violently crash my car into a concrete wall then come home and throw all of my fucking possessions off the balcony. etc. it all smacks of catharsis and thats what i need.
i know i can't drink at the moment- i drank last night and ended up in such massive pain today that i was doubled over and nearly fainted in the shower. i could hardly move, couldn't do anything. its not the alcohol, its my systems inability to handle it coupled with my constant need to destroy myself.
ugh. what am i trying to say? i'm not sure. there are too many changes going on right now and too much on my mind thats been consuming me to even think straight anymore. there is too much major change occurring for me to handle.
suffice it to say that a normal person would not be dragged down by the things that seem to get to me all too easily. i'm too sensitive really to function like a normal human being in this world. struggling with demons that have proven to be too much of an obstruction for me to surmount. more often than not, they are the ones pulling on my puppet strings, making me a victim to my past, which at this point, seems doomed to replay itself over and over....
things have been pretty bad. to the point that i am now debating cancelling my trip. i'm just too overwhelmed right now and a total mess. i really don't know what to do any more. i've never cancelled a trip in my life for anything. i've gone to foreign countries alone without problem, so i have no idea why i feel so compelled to bail.
right now i want to smash the living shit out of all the lightbulbs in my bathroom, kick in the screen of this fucking computer, violently crash my car into a concrete wall then come home and throw all of my fucking possessions off the balcony. etc. it all smacks of catharsis and thats what i need.
i know i can't drink at the moment- i drank last night and ended up in such massive pain today that i was doubled over and nearly fainted in the shower. i could hardly move, couldn't do anything. its not the alcohol, its my systems inability to handle it coupled with my constant need to destroy myself.
ugh. what am i trying to say? i'm not sure. there are too many changes going on right now and too much on my mind thats been consuming me to even think straight anymore. there is too much major change occurring for me to handle.
suffice it to say that a normal person would not be dragged down by the things that seem to get to me all too easily. i'm too sensitive really to function like a normal human being in this world. struggling with demons that have proven to be too much of an obstruction for me to surmount. more often than not, they are the ones pulling on my puppet strings, making me a victim to my past, which at this point, seems doomed to replay itself over and over....
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The verisimilitude of amiability...you are.
i have also been plagued by the repetition of life and the sensitive being.
i have a habit of smoking a lot of pot to numb the neverending thoughts in my head, or over indulging in food, drink, etc.
i just started taking zoloft. supposedly it is going to help me.
i don't know.
what i do know is that travel is the healer of my soul. sometimes you have to leave to know where you want to be.