i did my daily check in ith my sponsor tonight. i had seen him last night. he noticed i looked perturbed. he let me vent, shook his head, asked me if that was all, and hugged me. so tonight on the phone he asked if i was still pissed. yeah, i;m a little bent. he gave me homework. list the things you are angry about was the first part.
1. i'm a druggie and a drunk.
2. i have to have a sponsor.
3. i have to work the twelve steps.
4. i need to go to meetings for the rest of my life.
5. i can't smoke crack, do heroin, eat pills, inhale shit, smoke pot, drink, snort k, eat e.
6. my mother is dead
7. i fucked off for 24 years and have nothing to show for it.
8. i'm in a transitional living program in california away from family in maryland.
9. i have to sell my home, the crack den.
10. i have no job.
11. i have no control over other people.
12. i need to change my life completely.
13. my expectations of others are never met.
14. i need to wake up every day and be productive.
i'm sure there is more, but it's getting late and i'm distracted.
the second part is to o behind those reasons and figure out the pattern. fuck. i don't want to. i need to call him 8:30 tommorow and talk about it. also i need to go over my third step--turn it over, baby. i don't wanna.
god, as we understand him. what is that for me? well, basically, i'm an agnostic. there's a chapter about that in the alcoholics big book. i read it. twice. still is confusing to me. well, what i figured out is pretty simple. you know how you think of someone, and two seconds later the phone rings and it's them? we're all connected to each other, some stronger than others. it's electrical. this energy then connects us to all living things and the universe. when we die, energy is neither created or destroyed, yes there are ghosts. is that energy a soul? possibly. well, i've come to believe that this energy is my higher power. we'll see what he thinks abotut that. i like it, for now.
i was waiting tonight.
a taste of my own medicine.
it sucks to wait, i know this.
i came so close.
i exposed my voice
let it hang out, nervous.
uncomfortable giggles in between words.
what happened? is everything okay?
why am i obsessing?
i think i know why...
maybe tommorow.
1. i'm a druggie and a drunk.
2. i have to have a sponsor.
3. i have to work the twelve steps.
4. i need to go to meetings for the rest of my life.
5. i can't smoke crack, do heroin, eat pills, inhale shit, smoke pot, drink, snort k, eat e.
6. my mother is dead
7. i fucked off for 24 years and have nothing to show for it.
8. i'm in a transitional living program in california away from family in maryland.
9. i have to sell my home, the crack den.
10. i have no job.
11. i have no control over other people.
12. i need to change my life completely.
13. my expectations of others are never met.
14. i need to wake up every day and be productive.
i'm sure there is more, but it's getting late and i'm distracted.
the second part is to o behind those reasons and figure out the pattern. fuck. i don't want to. i need to call him 8:30 tommorow and talk about it. also i need to go over my third step--turn it over, baby. i don't wanna.
god, as we understand him. what is that for me? well, basically, i'm an agnostic. there's a chapter about that in the alcoholics big book. i read it. twice. still is confusing to me. well, what i figured out is pretty simple. you know how you think of someone, and two seconds later the phone rings and it's them? we're all connected to each other, some stronger than others. it's electrical. this energy then connects us to all living things and the universe. when we die, energy is neither created or destroyed, yes there are ghosts. is that energy a soul? possibly. well, i've come to believe that this energy is my higher power. we'll see what he thinks abotut that. i like it, for now.
i was waiting tonight.
a taste of my own medicine.
it sucks to wait, i know this.
i came so close.
i exposed my voice
let it hang out, nervous.
uncomfortable giggles in between words.
what happened? is everything okay?
why am i obsessing?
i think i know why...
maybe tommorow.