myopically

well, it's a holiday weekend and everyone around me, except for my house mates, is getting drunk, or stoned, or both. good for them. i really wish i could join them. why can't i? well if i do, no one will see me for a month and i'll end up dead in a gutter somewhere not wearing pants. at least i realize that, but it's only half the battle. the other half is just not picking up. i had the worst dream last night. i was confronted with my drug of choice, and at first i refused it. i realized i would be blowing all my clean time, get thrown out of my house, jones for more, and risk losing a lot. well, that didn't matter because it took just thirty seconds for me to reach for the drug and do it. what is that saying to me? i'm going to sit on it for awihile. drug dreams have become a nightly event, and it's really bothering me. sometimes a wake up thinking that i have used. the horror.

i've been a member here for let's say a week. i've been attempting to make contacts and friends, but with not much luck. i think i'm comming on too strong. what i don't seem to realize is that i have reduced my life to going to aa and na meetings, and staying on the computer. that's all i really seem to do. well, i did go shopping today, but checked my email when i got home. i just get so excited when i get a response or someone from here contacts me that i can't seem to hold back. i'm a very expressive person, and i suppose if people don't like that, it's their problem, which in turn becomes mine, but let's look past that, yeah? i have been communicating with an individual who seems to put up with it quite well. i like her too, i like the way she translates emotions into words. that's a skill, not many can do it well. in that regard i'm a lucky man.

well, i think i'm actually going to walk down to the beach for a bit and rest my weary eyes. bye.