mykra

THE EASTER GUEST
An original short play by
Jeremiah Swoo

Lights up. Bright but natural springtime light pours in from the open windows, DSR and USL, into an average, modern, mid-western, middle class, American kitchen. It is Easter Sunday. Two couples are in the kitchen, Mark and Tammi Burnett and Jim and Molly Jackson. Mark and Tammi, the homeowners, stand at the kitchen counter, preparing pre-Easter dinner hors d'oeuvres. Molly watches the kids out the back door, USR. The sounds of children laughing and playing is intermittently heard from outside. Her husband, Jim, obviously drunk, sits at the kitchen table, DSR, drinking a can of beer.

JIM: Im gonna go tell those kids to settle down out there.

MOLLY: You are not. Theyre just being kids, let them have their fun. Besides, youre drunk.
(Jim grumbles into his beer can, taking a deep swig.)

JIM: I hope someones out there watching them.

MARK: Dont worry. Tony and Barb are out there with their kids.

TAMMI: Theyre awfully excited about the big Easter egg hunt.

MARK: Yeah, weve got a house full of excited kids. Just wait until Janine gets here
(turning to Tammi) How many does she have?

TAMMI: Two boys, two girls.

MOLLY: And no husband, poor thing.
(Jim crushes his beer can and belches.)

MOLLY: (disapprovingly) Jim!
(Tammi and Mark look nervously at each other, as if theyve seen this routine from Jim and Molly before.)

JIM: What?

MOLLY: Do you have to drink today? On Easter? This is the Lords day, mind you.

JIM: Not anymore it isnt. Its a marketing gimmick. (belches) Hallmark cards And plastic eggs. You think theres a whole company that just makes those? Theyve got to come from somewhere.

MOLLY: Save us the political crap. Were celebrating the Ressurection.

JIM: Ressurection of what? The Easter Bunny? Youre just buying what theyre selling.


MARK: (attempting to diffuse the budding spat) Hey, speaking of the Easter Bunny, that guy should be here soon.(Tammi and Mark exchange a conspiratorial glance, winking and smiling.)

MOLLY: What guy?

TAMMI: A surprise for the kids.

MARK: I found a guy in the classifieds who does kids birthday parties- a clown, I guess- and Tammi had the idea(Jim has snuck toward the fridge and grabbed another beer. Mark stops, walks over and takes it, putting it back and shutting the door, smiling.)

MARK: Hey, hey, those are for later, Jim. (Jim looks taken aback and slightly angry, but Marks smile calms him. He lightens up and smiles apologetically.)

JIM: Yeah, pal, of course. (He sulks back to his seat.)

TAMMI: After we put the kids to bed, Jim, well play a few rounds of cards and Ill drink a couple with you.
(Molly smiles, relieved, and sits down next to Jim, who kisses her on the cheek tenderly.)

JIM: Sounds great, guys. Ill take it easy for a while.
(All share awkward silence for a beat.)

MARK: Oh yeah. Well, as I was saying, I called this guy up and he did our little Trinas fifth birthday party last year, so I thought-

MOLLY: Right, the clown. The balloon animals. I remember.

TAMMI: Thats right, you guys were there.

JIM: I dont remember.

MARK: Yeah, well, anyhow The kids all loved him, and Im talking to him- and he makes a killing doing this stuff- I mean, you wouldnt believe

TAMMI: School parties, birthdays, bar mitvahs

MARK: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he does Christmas, hes got a Santa suit, Big Bird costume, he does Barney, Teletubbies. Umm well, clowns, obviously So I
say, Hey, you got a rabbit suit? and he does!

JIM: So weve got ourselves an Easter Bunny. Great, Mark, but Ill bet itll cost you a fortune to get the guy to come out on Easter, on a big holiday.
(Mark and Tammi laugh to themselves.)

MARK: Well, thats the thing Hes Jewish!
(Everyone laughs.)

MOLLY: So it wont cost you extra?

MARK: No, hes exempt from holiday pay except, of course, Jewish holidays.

TAMMI: Hanukkah, Yom Kippur, um that holy month-

MARK: Rosh Hashana?

JIM: Jew-ly. (pronounced like July)
(Molly slaps him playfully.)

MARK: Anyhow, hes a little late, but he should be here soon.

JIM: Thats good, cause I remember when Sarah wanted a Power Ranger birthday party and I dressed up-

MOLLY: And he got that rash. He was on Prednizone for three weeks. The doctor said it was probably the polyester.

MARK: Well, have no fear. This Easter Bunny- clowns gonna come in handy next time.
(Tammi walks to the window, just behind the table, and looks out.)

MOLLY: What are the kids doing out there?

TAMMI: Having a ball. Theyre chasing Tommy around and around the tree.

JIM: Theyre gonna love this surprise, Mark.
(Mark looks at his watch.)

MARK: Yeah, well I hope hes on his way.
(A knock, knock, knock from the front door, offstage DSL.)

MARK: Aha! Hes here.

TAMMI: What if the kids see him before hes ready?

MARK: Why dont you three go on out there and take the eggs and the fruit trays, and get everyone together?
(knock, knock, knock)

JIM: Ill stay in here, if you dont mind.

MOLLY: Well keep the kids out until youre ready.
(Molly winks at Jim and exits to the backyard with Tammi USR. Mark exits DSL, to answer the front door. Jim waits a beat, then creeps toward the fridge.
He grabs a beer . He pauses, guiltily, as the door shuts behind him. He re-opens the fridge and exchanges the beer for a cola. Knock, knock, knock. Jim returns to
his seat. A beat, two even. Mark re-enters with the big yellow bunny in tow.)

MARK: So, anyhow, when the kids are ready, the old ball and chain of mine is gonna come in and signal us and well go out and surprise them.
(The bunny does not respond. A long beat.)

MARK: Harold?
(He looks queerly at Jim, who shrugs, and back to the Bunny.)

MARK: Hey, you talk?

BUNNY: Yes.

MARK: Well, what do you think of the plan?
(another long silence)

JIM: Hey, Bunny, youre on the clock.

MARK: Well, what about the plan? Cool with you?... Wait with us for a couple of minutes while the girls take around the eggs and get the kids together Say,
did you bring the balloons?

BUNNY: I suppose I should tell you now that I come with another purpose.

JIM: Yeah, well, whats that?

MARK: Hold on. You dont sound like the guy we had last time. When we talked on the phone-

BUNNY: That wasnt me on the phone, Mark.

(Jim stands up and walks over to the counter by Mark and the Bunny, frustrated and slightly angry.)

JIM: Whats the deal, pal?

MARK: Relax, Jim. (turning back to the Bunny) So, do you work with the other guy- the clown who was here before- are you on his payroll?

BUNNY: No. I come to celebrate Easter.

MARK: Ok, but the other guy and me, we had a deal and obviously its Easter, as you point out, but the price was agreed on as the usual-

JIM: Hes asking if youre Jewish.

MARK: Shut up, Jim. He just said he celebrates Easter. (turning to Bunny again) Well, the guy I talked to, you see was Jewish, I mean. So is there a holiday rate?

BUNNY: I am Jewish. But, Mark, the price is irrelevant. In fact, the price is nothing.
(Jim and Mark exchange bewildered glances. Jim becomes faintly angry.)

JIM: A Jew who celebrates Easter? If you dont start making some fucking sense

MARK: Come on, come on, Jim. Sit down, alright?
(Jim stares down the Bunny and then returns to his seat.)

MARK: Now, whatever your name is, youre a guest here and I dont want to be rude, but I hope you can explain-

BUNNY: I have returned from far away to bring peace here.

JIM: Peace? Where?

BUNNY: On earth. Dont you get it yet?

MARK: (half-laughing) Frankly? No, I dont. I dont understand a damned thing youre saying.

BUNNY: I am He.

JIM: (rising from his seat) Alright, Ive heard enough. This is just too weird, Im getting a damned beer.

BUNNY: (motioning with his arm to Jim in a broad gesture) Sit down, James Jackson.Youve had enough for today.
(Jim freezes, shocked, and sits down, mouth agape, eyes wide, shaking slightly.)

JIM: How does he know my name?

BUNNY: Now you will let me finish.

JIM: I felt something, Mark. He just did something to me.

MARK: (laughing) Yeah, the Jedi mind trick from a kid in a yellow bunny suit
(pointing at Jim mockingly)You, sir, are drunk.

JIM: (slightly but clearly afraid) How did he know my name? I dont want him around the kids, Mark. Maybe he should leave.

MARK: Yeah, well, that is weird, but I dont know Huh? Listen, guy, I dont know about all this. Maybe wed better just call this thing off. And who are you
anyway? Harold, you dont sound like yourself. Is it you, are you the guy I talked to on the phone, who did my daughters birthday-

BUNNY: Im afraid I cant call this off. It is bigger than your eyes can see. I am He.

MARK: He? What the fuck he?

JIM: (standing up in an epiphany) He means Hes the Oh, my God. Mark, its Him. I felt something when he waved his hand at me a power it was supernatural.

MARK: No more booze today, huh, Jim?

BUNNY: Hes right, Mark. I am Jesus.
(Mark laughs loudly and at length. He stops for a beat, looking around realizing no one else thinks this is funny.)

MARK: Jim, go outside and stall them. Were going to get to the bottom of this.
(Jim nods, rises and moves toward the door.)

MARK: And, Jim
(Jim stops at the door and turns toward Mark.)

MARK: Dont say anything about this madness. Just tell themstall them and make sure they dont come in here. At least until we figure out what this is all about.
(Jim leaves USR.)

MARK: Take off that mask...the head. (flippantly) Show yourself if youre the Lord.

BUNNY: (shaking his head disappointedly) You modern people. You westerners. You always ask for proof Proof is all around you, but still you dont believe.

MARK: Ok, well, Ill play along for a little bit. Only out of morbid curiosity.

BUNNY: Ill answer any questions youve got if itll satisfy you, Mark. Shoot.

MARK: Shoot? What kind of Jesus says Are you feeling alright, Harold? Why are you even speaking English if youre Jesus? Why not Latin or Greek or fucking
Aramaic or what the fuck ever?

BUNNY: Any college student can master a foreign language, Mark. Why not the Son of God? I bring to you salvation and you bring me interrogation.
(Jim enters quietly and gives a mission-accomplished-thumbs-up, to which Mark nods dismissively, before he sits.)

MARK: Well, why bring it here?

BUNNY: Isnt this the hub of modern existence?

MARK: Ohio?

JIM: What are you guys talking about?

MARK: Jesus here is telling me that we live in the hub of modern existence.

JIM: Why not London or the Vatican or Israel?

BUNNY: Im talking about America.

MARK: Ok, so America What about New York or L.A.?

JIM: Washington?

BUNNY: New York and L.A.? (he chuckles) Those places are American only geographically. They are cultural Babylons. Their own entities. Even in such places as these, there are souls to be saved. But weve decided to start in what youd call the heartland.
(Jim stares in awe, won over. Mark shakes his head, unbelieving.)

MARK: We? What we?

BUNNY: You know, Peter, Paul, Martin Luther, Mark- not you, I know another Mark, and

JIM: Listen, Mark, its true. I believe.

MARK: (rolling his eyes) On Easter? In a goddamned- (he snickers)- no pun intended In a bunny suit? Pardon me if all this seems a little bit unbelievable andwellweird.

BUNNY: Look, Mark. Youre looking at this all wrong. Let me give you an example. You broker international business deals with your company-

MARK: (offended) How the hell do you know what I do?

JIM: I told you. Its Him. Oh, God. Oh, Lord. And to be drunk in Your presence Forgive me.

BUNNY: Jim, if you knew anything about Me, youd know that Im quite accustomed to the company of drunkards. Now, Mark, in these deals you make with, saythe
Pakistanis Do you treat them the same as the Canadians?

MARK: Well, no

BUNNY: And why is that?

MARK: Well, because its- they do things differently. Its a different culture.
(Both turn toward Jim whose hands are folded in prayer as he weeps. Mark shakes his head in condescention.)

BUNNY: Im right here, Jim. If youve got something to say, direct your prayers here.
(They watch Jim for a minute, he doesnt seem to notice them, absorbed in prayer.
Finally, Mark and the Bunny turn back to each other. The Bunny waves a dismissive hand toward Jim.)

BUNNY: Whatever. Anyhow, as I was about to say: youre right- because of the cultural differences. So what makes you think that Id bring the message to America in a foreign idiom thats two-thousand years old? Easter celebrations, like many of your bizarre holiday rituals, are peculiar, almost pagan rituals. But if I am to
return to my peopleOh, I dont know Its a mostly symbolic gesture, really.

MARK: But in an Easter Bunny outfit?

BUNNY: Its just a further extention of the ritual. We like to go all out. Weve done a little research on your strange rites. Anyhow, we though the best way to reach you was in your ownlanguage, if you know what I mean.

MARK: Research? Dont you just know? I mean, if youre Gods Son and all. Who is made in the image of who? Why are you following our lead?

BUNNY: Well, I am Gods Son, butIn my earthly form I still embody the Holy Spirit, but I am also a man, if you can comprehend the incongruity. We are taking your
lead. So were following all of your abitrary earthly regulations. In fact, Ive got all the paperwork ready, if youd like a sample.

MARK: Paperwork?

BUNNY: Legal stuff, really.
(The Bunny reaches inside a pouch in the belly of his costume and pulls out some papers. He steps to center stage facing Mark directly, his back to the audience,
and reads from the paperwork.)

BUNNY: The wrath, and/or mercy of God, along with all miracles and disasters, meteorological or otherwise, are subject to the terms below and are contingent upon the will of God et cetera, et cetera. You see, were trying to save the modern man by first understanding him. Do you believe now?
(Mark stands still, amazed. Jim continues to pray at the table, with growing intensity.)

MARK: You have to understand, the modern man is very skeptical.

BUNNY: Thats why the crux of this whole operation has been squeezed into a contemporary, western vernacular if you follow.

MARK: Im sorry, I just dont know if I can believe. (shaking his head, anger building) I mean, for all I know youre some psycho who got my Social Security number and all that I dont know Why wont you show yourself?
(Bunny slowly removes the head of his costume, back turned to the audience. Jim jumps up excitedly.)

JIM: Hallelujah!

BUNNY: (speaking to Mark, pointing to Jim) Is he bothering you?

MARK: Jim! Jim! Relax!

JIM: Amen! (singing the Battle Hymn of the Republic)
Mine eyes have seen the glory
Of the coming of the Lord- (continues under)

BUNNY: Its not that I dont appreciate your enthusiasm, Jim, butWell, were talking here.
(Bunny waves his hand in a sweeping motion toward Jim, who promptly falls
limply, face down on the table, into his chair, out cold.)

MARK: Jesus fucking Christ!

BUNNY: (laughing) Thats funny, you said Oh, forget it. Anyhow, hes just sleeping,hes not dead or anything like that.
(Mark studies Bunnys face intently.)

MARK: I dont know. Ive gotta be honest, Harold, Ive never seen you without clown
make-up on so I cant tell if its really you. Besides, Ive never seen a picture of Jesus that looks like this.

BUNNY: Why, because Im not white? Because I have brown eyes?

MARK: Well, maybe

BUNNY: Come on, Mark, Im not from Scandinavia, what did you expect?

MARK: Im not exactly sure.

BUNNY: Look, Im a man when Im here. A carcass, flesh, a meat marionette. Now,spiritually, Im much more than that. But arent we all? (replacing his head)
Anyhow, I didnt expect that would help much.

MARK: But arent you above all this earthly behavior, and earthly ritual and earthly legality? Come on, Harold.

BUNNY: Alright, alright, enough. Now Im about to be very honest with you and Ill thank you to keep it under your hat. Deal?

MARK: Ok. (sighing) Go ahead.

BUNNY: We dont know what to do with you people. This damned antfarm. This civilization has just gone sowrong. You modern people just, wellfucked this
place up, I guess youd say. No offense.

MARK: None taken. I mean, thats hard to argue with. Wait a minute Did you just say
fuck?

BUNNY: Its just a word, Mark. Youve turned into a nation of pussies. And then theres commercialism and gluttonyAnd to think, when this country was
born, we were all so hopeful.

MARK: Enough Harold.

BUNNY: Ok, another example, my name is not Harold, but you may call me what you like. Its all just words, you see. You people are so tied to your culture.

MARK: (letting out a resigned sigh) Ok, Harold. If you want to go on with this bizarre charade then isnt your umfather in the drivers seat? I mean, what do our
rituals matter? What about perfect wisdom, perfect love, perfect justice?

BUNNY: Well, to be honest- and I always am- it all just spiraled out of control. And...Wellwe dont know what the hell is going on anymore. I cant tell you how
many times Ive said to my father that he shouldve given the world to a more sensible being. Likesay, the dolphins.

MARK: They say theyre very intelligent creatures.

BUNNY: Yeahyeah, but look This is it. Your last shot. The last chance to save humanity. And, well, America is the hub of humanity and the midwest is the hub
of America and the suburbs are the hub of the midwest, soHere I am in your house. You have to start somewhere. Im gonna start in your back yard today.
The average midwestern back yard on Easter. Do you get it? Can you help me?

MARK: (laughing) Well, what are you thinking of?

BUNNY: A back yard revival, Mark.
(A beat. Mark sighs and hangs his head.)

MARK: If itll shut you up, fine, but youre likely to be laughed at. But my kids are out there, so Ill be watching you. I dont know if youre dangerous or just nutty.

BUNNY: Well, then lets go, itll be good to have a Mark at my side again as I walk the earth.

MARK: UmmNo, thats alright. You go ahead, Ill be in here. And Ill be watching.
(The Bunny nods and heads for the door USR. Mark calls after him just before he
walks out.)

MARK: Hey, Harold.
(The Bunny stops and turns around, his hand on the door knob.)

BUNNY: My name is not aw, fuck it. Yeah?

MARK: I know youre feeling different. But if you want to sermonize, be sure that you remember to keep your bunny head on. We went to Disney Land last year and
Mickey took his head off to puke- I guess its like two-hundred degrees in those suits- and, anyhow, the kids saw and little Jamies been in therapy ever since.

BUNNY: Ive dealt with children before.

MARK: Yeah, but kids todayin this modern idiom-

BUNNY: Relax, Mark. Ill be right outside saving souls. Its kind of my trademark.
(Bunny exits USR.)

MARK: (to himself) Shit.
(Mark walks to the window behind Jim and looks out. He then shakes Jim awake.)

MARK: Jim. Jim! Wake up, man.

JIM: What theDid I pass out? Mark, I had the strangest dream.

MARK: You just passed out drunk, you lush. Listen, I need you to keep an eye on that window. The Easter Bunny has flipped. Im not sure if I trust him.
(Jim turns around and looks out the window at the Bunny. Mark moves SL toward the counter and picks up the phone.)

JIM: Oh, my Lord, its true. With his hand

MARK: No.

JIM: he put me to sleep.

MARK: No. No. No. You passed out. A coincidence. Just keep an eye out that window.

JIM: What are you doing?

MARK: Im trying to get to the bottom of this. What is he doing?

JIM: Standing out front, talking to the kids.
(Mark puts the phone to his ear and dials.)

MARK: Now this guy usesIve got his home phone, Jim. So (into the phone) Hello, yes

JIM: Uh, ohhhh.

MARK: (into the phone) Hold on. (to Jim, hand over the phone) What?

JIM: Um Hes I think hes Yep, hes taking off the head. Wed better do some-nevermind, too late.
(Childrens screams are heard offstage.)

MARK: Shit. (craning his neck to look out the window, talking into the phone) Yeah, Im here Listen, is Harold Ok, yeah, your boyfriend is he still No Im the guy with the Easter party (smiling) yes, that is my address (patronizingly loud for Jims benefit in a told-you-so voice) Hes already left Should be here Great. (placing his hand over the receiver again, speaking to Jim) That guys not Jesus.
Its just that clown kid. Hes crazy, but its him. (Jim pays no attention, cringing at the action out the window, Mark speaks into the phone once again.) So is there
any history of any kind of mental Whoa, ok, sorry. Nevermind. Hey, thanks.
Bye.
(He hangs up the phone and moves back over to the window by Jim.)

JIM: That call answer your questions?

MARK: Pretty much. Whats going on out there?

JIM: The kids are pretty freaked out Wait a minute What is Tony doing? Oh, no.

MARK: So the dillusional Bunny, who believes he is Jesus, took off his head and scared
the kids and now Tonys gonna start shit with him. Hes already unstable.

JIM: You still dont believe thatsyou knowHim.

MARK: The Lord, no. No way. Its the clown kid, Harold. His girlfriend said he just left. Where else would he be going?

JIM: You didnt think that earlier.
(They look out the window together again, wrapped up in the action for a moment.)

MARK: It didnt really sound like Harold the Clown did at the birthday party. But, then again, what the hell. It couldve been his voice. I mean, I dont have a voice
recognition chip in my brain. Besides, Ive only talked to the guy twice before today.
(They are too stimulated by conversation and the happenings on the other side of the window to hear the knock, knock, knock that comes from the front door, offstage.)

JIM: Yeah, but did you recognize him when you saw his face?

MARK: Well, no. But the only time Ive seen him before was when he was in full clown regalia. Make-upwig

JIM: Big shoes Hey, maybe we should get Tony to calm down. (leaning forward to window) Oh, my God, Tonys gonna hit him.
(A second bunny in a pink suit walks into the kitchen from DSL, unnoticed by Jim and Mark.)

BUNNY #2: HeyaSorry. I knocked, but
(Both turn around. Jim smirks smugly. Mark stares at the pink Bunny with mouth agape.)

BUNNY #2: Sorry Im late.
(Mark is unable to speak or move.)

BUNNY #2: OhISorry, I saw the kids in the yard and, well, the door was unlocked, and
(Bunny #2 cocks his head to look out the window, Mark still watches him, shocked.)

BUNNY #2: Hey did you guys hire another Easter Bunny. (stepping over to the table by by the window for a closer look.) Whoa. Whered you find this guy? Cause from
a professional standpoint, you never take the head off.
(Mark finally snaps out of it and looks back to the window.)

BUNNY #2: Scares the kids, pisses off the parents. Hell, Ive even seen violence. (Screams come from the back yard, offstage.)

JIM, MARK, BUNNY #2: (in unison, responding to what they see in the window) Oh!
(Louder screams from outside.)

JIM: Hes hitting him, Mark! Do something, this is your house. Pull Tony off of-

MARK: Holy shit! Tonys just kicked the Lords ass!
(Mark bolts out the door USR.)

JIM: Oh, Jesus.
(Jim goes back to praying.)

BUNNY #2: I know this isnt your house and all, and theres apparently something going on that I dont understand I mean, I guess Ive been replaced but (A beat. He points out the window.) Is that other bunny gonna be alright? Do you need me to
fill in?
(Jim continues to pray, shaking. He gives no response. Screams continue outside.)

BUNNY # 2: Well, anyhow Im still gonna have to be you know paid.
(lights go down)

END OF PLAY