Thoughts over New Year's
Enough here to post before Week 3
--
In one sense
I should be pretty self-assured
After all, I got Megan on my own
Why wouldn't I be good enough?
Then again
By the "end"
She seemed to be wavering
But was it because of me?
Or just her?
Did the mention of my fears
Drive her away?
Hadn't she always known?
The fear is inside us all
I got to where I was
By hiding it
But after a while
Should it not be safe
To admit it
To the one who loves you?
--
"Why didn't he love me?"
She asked about another
Well, maybe the answer is obvious
She wouldn't LET him
Maybe it's not that simple
He does have his definite issues
But look at me
I really am, honestly
A pretty great person
She may not let me either
Because I'm a human
As unfortunate as that may be
She will only really want someone
When she really wants someone
To really want her
--
So it still happens
Too much thinking
Over-analyzing
But most of the time
Spending too much money
Having a hell of a time
Can be its own little reward
Life has too much to offer
To waste it all away
Feeling anxious
About everything
Beyond your realistic control
--
Sex
Once you get used to having it
And then it's gone
It is more difficult
The lock of orgasm
Is true
It seems as though
It's like an addiction
That can be very healthy
Or very destructive
Depending on the use
And who you share it with
You end up needing it
In a way
I'm doing fine though
By now
But I still feel
If I get the offer
From the right girl
I may just take it
Even though it would still be
To fill a void
Because the RIGHT girl for me
Is still Megan
And I am probably still
The "right" guy for her
Though she may not think about that
What if it never really comes back for us?
How close will we be then, when we find out?
Will it all be for the better?
Probably
--
The cross pendant
That I've been wanting for so long
Has been discontinued
I didn't order it
When I had the chance
Because of Christmas
I was supposed to get one
But now they're gone
Quite likely forever
Under different circumstances
I'd be a lot more upset
But right now
Annoyed as I am
I see yet another
Stupid little lesson
About not being open
And taking what you can
When it's available
Sometimes the hesitation
Good intentions and all
Can mean that you lose it
There's a tough balance
In there somewhere
--
At the party
On New Year's
There were things
So different
From the world
I've grown up in
I need to try
To get myself
To be that way
So many things
That I would freak about
Just didn't matter
In the end
--
"Don't worry about the past"
He said
"About what was
Or what might have been"
It's true
Yet so hard to do
But in time
It won't be that hard at all
How much time?
I'll have to wait and see
I'm on my path
So I'll find out eventually
I'll get there
Someday
--
A girl on DOMAI
That Mike was going on about
I hadn't really seen the beauty before
And then suddenly
I saw it
It's not just her
Now I see
Something new
I thank her for that
Megan
For helping me to see
What was actually there
All along
--
Jealousy
Or not
I've seen a glimpse of a different world
Where it's just not such a problem
How do I connect with this?
While sometimes
Jealousy is fully justified
In their case
It serves no purpose
They're in no danger
And they know it
If we were only
Solid enough
It wouldn't have mattered
For us either
Too bad that just takes time
To really develop
Do I really want to live in that world?
Well, not completely
They just go too far
But to understand it
Will surely help me
--
Sexuality
We come from such different backgrounds
But I wanted to break out
To find my own path, in a way
It seems
We were really heading
In the same direction
Toward the same destination
Despite her remaining
Intense conflict
What is the destination?
As far as I can tell
At this early point
It's to enjoy what life offers
When it's presented
Under discretion
But not fear
With the constant
Ultimate goal
Of an exclusive
Real love relationship
The thing is
We actually had that
It was there
It still IS
Unless we decide
That it's not enough
That there's no way
To do it slowly
And throw away
So much
Dreams are still possible
If you don't let go of them
--
It's so much easier for them
There is still a big part of me
That wants to be a slutty girl
Or a slutty anything
The illusion of closeness
Is still enticing
The physical desire
The need to feel wanted
If I were a girl
How would I not be like Alexia?
Or at least like Megan?
I have no idea
Maybe I'm better off
This way
--
We shouldn't sacrifice
Who we are
Or what we believe
Just for meaningless sexual desires
But what happens
When those desires
Begin to affect
Those beliefs?
Are they meaningless?
What does one do
With this information?
Somewhere along the line
Humanity went wrong
Maybe it always was
I just know
That it was meaningful for us
It was right for us
--
2006
I knew would be fucking crazy
It was the first time
I've known this in advance
I had no idea
Just what was in store for me
And now
We begin 2007
Holy cock, dude
That's all I can say about that
I know ... just so damned profound...
--
I wonder how it went for her
Who she spent it with
Why do I care?
Why does she mean so much?
Eh ... fuck me
--
Her own jealous side
Which she proclaimed to have so strongly
I hardly ever saw
She could have showed it more
It might have helped, even
Perhaps she was trying to shut it down
But it was never her enemy
It is what we DO with our feelings
That can make them our enemies
Recognizing them for what they are
Is always the right first shep
What was it?
It was the part of her
That wanted to have something special
And didn't want to see it threatened
Trying to make itself heard
She is probably
Still at war
Over these things
If I mentioned another girl
That was hot
It would understandably bother her
But about Rachel
"I would just think that you probably SHOULD
And get it out of your system"
What a contradiction
I wonder if she knows
--
I still think
It would do her good
To say that she is beautiful
At just the right time
Or a squirt
That would have opened her up
So much more
I wonder
If she ever
Really locked onto me
Or if maybe she was
And that was beginning to frighten her
She mentioned not being so attracted
By appearances
So much as by personality
Which makes sense
But then I ask myself
If Alex
Who was clearly no comparison
Was really on her mind in that way
She never said he wasn't
It probably doesn't matter much right now
But it's still a pretty good question
It was probably just Kody
Wanting to add to her collection
Of the beautifully fucked up
But did Megan let her?
Or did she just not see it?
Kody may be getting stronger now
Going through this time
We will have to wait and see
If Megan wants to overcome her
--
I have some great lyrics
On my mind
From Braindance and others
Goo Goo Dolls
Whatever else
I am starting
To see my own way again
To regain
Some of my old strength
So many posts
On this general subject
And yet I'm actually
Breaking out a bit
I think I'm about ready
To step forward once again
And yet, as I say that
I know
That there's a part of me
That's heartbroken
I still need
To be careful
--
01-01-2007
What the hell, man...
Enough here to post before Week 3
--
In one sense
I should be pretty self-assured
After all, I got Megan on my own
Why wouldn't I be good enough?
Then again
By the "end"
She seemed to be wavering
But was it because of me?
Or just her?
Did the mention of my fears
Drive her away?
Hadn't she always known?
The fear is inside us all
I got to where I was
By hiding it
But after a while
Should it not be safe
To admit it
To the one who loves you?
--
"Why didn't he love me?"
She asked about another
Well, maybe the answer is obvious
She wouldn't LET him
Maybe it's not that simple
He does have his definite issues
But look at me
I really am, honestly
A pretty great person
She may not let me either
Because I'm a human
As unfortunate as that may be
She will only really want someone
When she really wants someone
To really want her
--
So it still happens
Too much thinking
Over-analyzing
But most of the time
Spending too much money
Having a hell of a time
Can be its own little reward
Life has too much to offer
To waste it all away
Feeling anxious
About everything
Beyond your realistic control
--
Sex
Once you get used to having it
And then it's gone
It is more difficult
The lock of orgasm
Is true
It seems as though
It's like an addiction
That can be very healthy
Or very destructive
Depending on the use
And who you share it with
You end up needing it
In a way
I'm doing fine though
By now
But I still feel
If I get the offer
From the right girl
I may just take it
Even though it would still be
To fill a void
Because the RIGHT girl for me
Is still Megan
And I am probably still
The "right" guy for her
Though she may not think about that
What if it never really comes back for us?
How close will we be then, when we find out?
Will it all be for the better?
Probably
--
The cross pendant
That I've been wanting for so long
Has been discontinued
I didn't order it
When I had the chance
Because of Christmas
I was supposed to get one
But now they're gone
Quite likely forever
Under different circumstances
I'd be a lot more upset
But right now
Annoyed as I am
I see yet another
Stupid little lesson
About not being open
And taking what you can
When it's available
Sometimes the hesitation
Good intentions and all
Can mean that you lose it
There's a tough balance
In there somewhere
--
At the party
On New Year's
There were things
So different
From the world
I've grown up in
I need to try
To get myself
To be that way
So many things
That I would freak about
Just didn't matter
In the end
--
"Don't worry about the past"
He said
"About what was
Or what might have been"
It's true
Yet so hard to do
But in time
It won't be that hard at all
How much time?
I'll have to wait and see
I'm on my path
So I'll find out eventually
I'll get there
Someday
--
A girl on DOMAI
That Mike was going on about
I hadn't really seen the beauty before
And then suddenly
I saw it
It's not just her
Now I see
Something new
I thank her for that
Megan
For helping me to see
What was actually there
All along
--
Jealousy
Or not
I've seen a glimpse of a different world
Where it's just not such a problem
How do I connect with this?
While sometimes
Jealousy is fully justified
In their case
It serves no purpose
They're in no danger
And they know it
If we were only
Solid enough
It wouldn't have mattered
For us either
Too bad that just takes time
To really develop
Do I really want to live in that world?
Well, not completely
They just go too far
But to understand it
Will surely help me
--
Sexuality
We come from such different backgrounds
But I wanted to break out
To find my own path, in a way
It seems
We were really heading
In the same direction
Toward the same destination
Despite her remaining
Intense conflict
What is the destination?
As far as I can tell
At this early point
It's to enjoy what life offers
When it's presented
Under discretion
But not fear
With the constant
Ultimate goal
Of an exclusive
Real love relationship
The thing is
We actually had that
It was there
It still IS
Unless we decide
That it's not enough
That there's no way
To do it slowly
And throw away
So much
Dreams are still possible
If you don't let go of them
--
It's so much easier for them
There is still a big part of me
That wants to be a slutty girl
Or a slutty anything
The illusion of closeness
Is still enticing
The physical desire
The need to feel wanted
If I were a girl
How would I not be like Alexia?
Or at least like Megan?
I have no idea
Maybe I'm better off
This way
--
We shouldn't sacrifice
Who we are
Or what we believe
Just for meaningless sexual desires
But what happens
When those desires
Begin to affect
Those beliefs?
Are they meaningless?
What does one do
With this information?
Somewhere along the line
Humanity went wrong
Maybe it always was
I just know
That it was meaningful for us
It was right for us
--
2006
I knew would be fucking crazy
It was the first time
I've known this in advance
I had no idea
Just what was in store for me
And now
We begin 2007
Holy cock, dude
That's all I can say about that
I know ... just so damned profound...
--
I wonder how it went for her
Who she spent it with
Why do I care?
Why does she mean so much?
Eh ... fuck me
--
Her own jealous side
Which she proclaimed to have so strongly
I hardly ever saw
She could have showed it more
It might have helped, even
Perhaps she was trying to shut it down
But it was never her enemy
It is what we DO with our feelings
That can make them our enemies
Recognizing them for what they are
Is always the right first shep
What was it?
It was the part of her
That wanted to have something special
And didn't want to see it threatened
Trying to make itself heard
She is probably
Still at war
Over these things
If I mentioned another girl
That was hot
It would understandably bother her
But about Rachel
"I would just think that you probably SHOULD
And get it out of your system"
What a contradiction
I wonder if she knows
--
I still think
It would do her good
To say that she is beautiful
At just the right time
Or a squirt
That would have opened her up
So much more
I wonder
If she ever
Really locked onto me
Or if maybe she was
And that was beginning to frighten her
She mentioned not being so attracted
By appearances
So much as by personality
Which makes sense
But then I ask myself
If Alex
Who was clearly no comparison
Was really on her mind in that way
She never said he wasn't
It probably doesn't matter much right now
But it's still a pretty good question
It was probably just Kody
Wanting to add to her collection
Of the beautifully fucked up
But did Megan let her?
Or did she just not see it?
Kody may be getting stronger now
Going through this time
We will have to wait and see
If Megan wants to overcome her
--
I have some great lyrics
On my mind
From Braindance and others
Goo Goo Dolls
Whatever else
I am starting
To see my own way again
To regain
Some of my old strength
So many posts
On this general subject
And yet I'm actually
Breaking out a bit
I think I'm about ready
To step forward once again
And yet, as I say that
I know
That there's a part of me
That's heartbroken
I still need
To be careful
--
01-01-2007
What the hell, man...
-Candace