Thoughts from week 2
--
She's only been 21 a couple months
Where's the surprise that she had only been to a bar twice?
Especially since I wanted to take her
And she knew that I didn't want to push her
Against seeing Tony
She did that on her own
I let her know she didn't have to do it
And then suddenly she shifts
She would HATE me for breaking it off with Alex
No, this was not the real Megan speaking
It was Kody making excuses
--
Why would he say what he said to us
Knowing that I had a concern?
Unless it was to use as a wedge
Then he fully succeeded
Much better than he thought, I bet
I see that my expectations were not unrealistic
Except that she just didn't see it that way
I wonder what would have happened
Had I given her the space she needed
Would she have handled it on her own?
Or used him as a tool against me?
--
If the situation were reversed
I would have cut her off very quickly
The other girl
Would I have resented Megan for it?
Hell no. The thought would be off my radar
But her needs were different
We're not all on the same track
Was she just unable to give the control over?
That, I can understand
Or was it really a setup?
I won't know for a while still
--
When I had to remind her
That I really did love her
That I wasn't lying
I never thought that she distrusted me
She just needed my reassurance
And yet when I needed hers
She didn't know how to take that
It wasn't about trust, Megan
I just had the same fear as you
Now look at what has happened
Is life really better this way?
--
This has been without a doubt
The craziest couple weeks of my life
It is making me ready
For the rest of my life
I can do it with her
Or without
I'd rather she was with me
Because through all of this
There is just no replacing her
--
in her family
They almost throw gifts at each other with resentment
It was going to be so much different for us
I still wanted her with me
And I still do
Although I can see
How I am growing, already
From a place that I was
To the place I need to be
--
She needed me to love her
And it took some effort
Then when I finally fell
I needed her
The context changed
She wasn't chasing me
Anymore
Maybe that's what she needed
It was just my one fear
That changed it all
Well, no, that's not true
It was her fear
That kept telling her that she could not do
What she actually was doing
She was self-defeating
And it threatened my stability
She probably thinks that my line
That I had to draw
Was a threat
An ultimatum
But what I said was nothing
Unlike her own words
I only allowed to happen
What she somehow, secretly
Wanted to happen
She kept telling me
How she'd have to leave
I can only hope
That now
She's able to still feel
What I had given her
If she cannot
Then perhaps she is truly lost
Give her time
That's what I need to remember
She needs it
To sort this out
All I can do is hope
That she comes out
Open to love
Because she deserves it
--
A girl at the bar
I was thinking to myself
That I could never get a girl like her
And yet there she was
A couple hours later
So into me
I should give myself more credit
I do so much better when I raise the bar
Damn my insecurities
They create the situations I fear
They only hold me back
I felt bored
And a bit sad
Until I let go of it
And reconnected
With me
--
I see now
That I don't really NEED her
That I can get another girl
But the thing is
Do I really WANT to?
There is so much beauty
In so many different forms
And sometimes
I really do have options
But the only option I really WANT right now
The only girl I really love
Is Megan
So many things
I'm experiencing right now
I wonder
If I'll ever get to share it with her
--
She wanted me to meet her friend David
Because I was the one who could finally
Just maybe
Really make her happy
Who would treat her right
I wonder how she feels now
If she blames me or herself
And if she can accept
That she always did have a choice
She always could do it
She just never allowed herself
To admit that
If one cannot do something
They cannot fail
It's only when they know they can
That the possibility appears
In either direction
--
We had talked of moving in together
Just one night before the explosion
It wasn't a bad idea then
It isn't even a bad idea now
Without her family's bullshit
She could focus on her
And accomplish what she still very well
May consider the impossible
--
I did something stupid
At work last week
I didn't even realize how stupid
It was at the time
It almost got me fired even
No, I've got to break out of that
I have to stop letting my doubts
Control my eventualities
I will rise up stronger, better
And maybe even ready
For everything I thought I couldn't do before
Fuck yeah, I can do it
Just give me some time
I'll get there
--
All of my worrying
Obsessing, even
About what was going on
About us making our fears come true
Did nothing to stop it
In fact, it may have helped it along
She didn't fall for the man
Who was always worrying about
Whatever she was doing or saying
But then again
I didn't fall for the girl
Who kept saying that she couldn't do it
She was ambitious then
She had hope
I think I just pushed her too hard
Why did I pull the plug when I did
Even though it wasn't my intention at first?
"I can't do this anymore
I can't do it"
Okay then. That's it that's it
You don't HAVE to do it
If she didn't want me
If I was just a hassle
Then why would I push her through it?
Well the answer, of course
Or what it should have been
Was that she COULD do it
She was just denying it
But she couldn't do it right THEN
Not like that
She loved me so much
At least, in the beginning she did
She kind of lost that a little
Her cling to me
It was the only thing
That I missed
Because it would have let me
Back off a bit
She's in a world without me now
What will she remember?
The clash?
Or the love and happiness?
--
After tearing on myself
The first week or so
About how I was supposed
To be "safe" for her
I'm now asking myself
Why she would do this to herself
There are ways
That she could think better
And have more focus
But she denies them
As if she doesn't need them
How can one person compensate
For their own weaknesses
And also those of the other person
When the other person
Won't really step up
Even enough to recognize
The needs of the one they love
For what they are
When someone acts as though
They are the VICTIM of their own love
Then what hope is there?
--
'Well, there's really no reason
Why it can't happen NOW"
I imagine her saying to him
Even though
He's so far below her
She won't think
He's trying to judge her
I wonder if she ever knew
That I'm really not all that different
On the inside
But I always strive
To rise above
The little Kody inside of me
And that makes all the difference
--
what if she's still not ready
even after an extended time?
Will it still be better
To be with her in that capacity
Than not at all?
I still need more time
To know for sure
But I think maybe it would
She changed a little
With the official title
Before that time
She wasn't afraid
If we still love each other
Why deny us each other?
--
Is this how I'm supposed
To overcome certain fears?
By seeing them come true
And living with it?
Maybe this experience
Was exactly what I needed
To see for myself
Whatever waits to be seen
--
So by now
The phone rings
I'm not thinking it's her
I know she's not going to call
I kinda wish she would
But I know the time apart is needed
--
her defensiveness
to my situation
indicates a problem
I got it from an unlikely source
But the truthfulness of it
Is hard to deny
She was looking for a way out
She wanted out
She didn't want it
The same way I did
After all this time
What am I to make of this?
What is SHE?
Only time will tell
--
Through all of this
My new little adventure
And my thoughts
About what happened and why
I can't escape the one thing
I still miss her
And I still want her
I miss her kiss
Like I can't explain
And holding her close to me
Nobody else is the same
I love my Megan
But is she mine?
Was she ever?
She almost was
But I was hers too
Why didn't she want me?
Or did she?
Who was the more blind?
Which of us should have seen?
Perhaps both
Or perhaps neither at all
--
She said to me once
"You're mine"
It was so cute
And I loved hearing it
She wanted me alone
And knew that I wanted her alone
What changed down the road?
Why would she feel
That she had to choose
Between me and a life outside?
Was it my approach
Or Kody's last stand?
Who will win?
Will Megan
Love?
I fucking hope so
Its so worth it
Will she make excuses
And say how it "didn't" work?
Or will she see
Just how close it was
And that THIS is our big test?
The results will determine everything
--
The excuses
I mentioned before
That people will come up with
To explain why they can't love
Are truly astounding
She never resented me
For the Tony thing
Until I mentioned the idea
I never thought
She truly shouldn't hang with him
I deliberately opened on that one
For her
She needed her friend
"Now you're going back on that?"
No, I never did
The whole "clubbing" bit
Was just a joke?
Or was it somehow
Her Kody inside
Setting up a trap
That didn't work then
But surely did the next time?
--
It's so strange
How it all seemed
To be my fault
At first
Yes, she needed the space
To do it on her own
Yes, she needed to know
That I could do that
But I WAS doing it
It only came to a head
When her defensiveness
Took over
Because it was just
The wrong time for her
It set mine off
I'd like it to have been different
But I know
Why it had to be this way
It's too bad I know
That we still have so much
Potential together
--
Two weeks down
Two to go?
Or should I extend it?
Maybe just one more
I'll probably send the card
It won't be too much
Unless she uses it as such
TO get out of our reconnection
But the thing is
I've been waiting on her
Until one month from the day
No, I need to know
That I can wait on ME
That I'll call when I'm ready
And not when the time comes
That she simply
Agreed to "allow" it
BE YOUR OWN PERSON!
'CUZ THIS IS A TEST!
--
It's been so fucking crazy
My life these past couple weeks
"I want to be completely
Transparent to her"
I wrote on here a while back
It was about that time
That my inner shit
Started to become
HER problem
And it started pushing her
Too hard
But it still comes back to her
Through everything
The love
And everything else
Was real
Can real love
Really be defeated
By stupid fears
So easily?
Can the pains of the past
Really make something
So great
Impossible?
I won't let myself believe that
I won't give up on love
--
12-30-2006
--
She's only been 21 a couple months
Where's the surprise that she had only been to a bar twice?
Especially since I wanted to take her
And she knew that I didn't want to push her
Against seeing Tony
She did that on her own
I let her know she didn't have to do it
And then suddenly she shifts
She would HATE me for breaking it off with Alex
No, this was not the real Megan speaking
It was Kody making excuses
--
Why would he say what he said to us
Knowing that I had a concern?
Unless it was to use as a wedge
Then he fully succeeded
Much better than he thought, I bet
I see that my expectations were not unrealistic
Except that she just didn't see it that way
I wonder what would have happened
Had I given her the space she needed
Would she have handled it on her own?
Or used him as a tool against me?
--
If the situation were reversed
I would have cut her off very quickly
The other girl
Would I have resented Megan for it?
Hell no. The thought would be off my radar
But her needs were different
We're not all on the same track
Was she just unable to give the control over?
That, I can understand
Or was it really a setup?
I won't know for a while still
--
When I had to remind her
That I really did love her
That I wasn't lying
I never thought that she distrusted me
She just needed my reassurance
And yet when I needed hers
She didn't know how to take that
It wasn't about trust, Megan
I just had the same fear as you
Now look at what has happened
Is life really better this way?
--
This has been without a doubt
The craziest couple weeks of my life
It is making me ready
For the rest of my life
I can do it with her
Or without
I'd rather she was with me
Because through all of this
There is just no replacing her
--
in her family
They almost throw gifts at each other with resentment
It was going to be so much different for us
I still wanted her with me
And I still do
Although I can see
How I am growing, already
From a place that I was
To the place I need to be
--
She needed me to love her
And it took some effort
Then when I finally fell
I needed her
The context changed
She wasn't chasing me
Anymore
Maybe that's what she needed
It was just my one fear
That changed it all
Well, no, that's not true
It was her fear
That kept telling her that she could not do
What she actually was doing
She was self-defeating
And it threatened my stability
She probably thinks that my line
That I had to draw
Was a threat
An ultimatum
But what I said was nothing
Unlike her own words
I only allowed to happen
What she somehow, secretly
Wanted to happen
She kept telling me
How she'd have to leave
I can only hope
That now
She's able to still feel
What I had given her
If she cannot
Then perhaps she is truly lost
Give her time
That's what I need to remember
She needs it
To sort this out
All I can do is hope
That she comes out
Open to love
Because she deserves it
--
A girl at the bar
I was thinking to myself
That I could never get a girl like her
And yet there she was
A couple hours later
So into me
I should give myself more credit
I do so much better when I raise the bar
Damn my insecurities
They create the situations I fear
They only hold me back
I felt bored
And a bit sad
Until I let go of it
And reconnected
With me
--
I see now
That I don't really NEED her
That I can get another girl
But the thing is
Do I really WANT to?
There is so much beauty
In so many different forms
And sometimes
I really do have options
But the only option I really WANT right now
The only girl I really love
Is Megan
So many things
I'm experiencing right now
I wonder
If I'll ever get to share it with her
--
She wanted me to meet her friend David
Because I was the one who could finally
Just maybe
Really make her happy
Who would treat her right
I wonder how she feels now
If she blames me or herself
And if she can accept
That she always did have a choice
She always could do it
She just never allowed herself
To admit that
If one cannot do something
They cannot fail
It's only when they know they can
That the possibility appears
In either direction
--
We had talked of moving in together
Just one night before the explosion
It wasn't a bad idea then
It isn't even a bad idea now
Without her family's bullshit
She could focus on her
And accomplish what she still very well
May consider the impossible
--
I did something stupid
At work last week
I didn't even realize how stupid
It was at the time
It almost got me fired even
No, I've got to break out of that
I have to stop letting my doubts
Control my eventualities
I will rise up stronger, better
And maybe even ready
For everything I thought I couldn't do before
Fuck yeah, I can do it
Just give me some time
I'll get there
--
All of my worrying
Obsessing, even
About what was going on
About us making our fears come true
Did nothing to stop it
In fact, it may have helped it along
She didn't fall for the man
Who was always worrying about
Whatever she was doing or saying
But then again
I didn't fall for the girl
Who kept saying that she couldn't do it
She was ambitious then
She had hope
I think I just pushed her too hard
Why did I pull the plug when I did
Even though it wasn't my intention at first?
"I can't do this anymore
I can't do it"
Okay then. That's it that's it
You don't HAVE to do it
If she didn't want me
If I was just a hassle
Then why would I push her through it?
Well the answer, of course
Or what it should have been
Was that she COULD do it
She was just denying it
But she couldn't do it right THEN
Not like that
She loved me so much
At least, in the beginning she did
She kind of lost that a little
Her cling to me
It was the only thing
That I missed
Because it would have let me
Back off a bit
She's in a world without me now
What will she remember?
The clash?
Or the love and happiness?
--
After tearing on myself
The first week or so
About how I was supposed
To be "safe" for her
I'm now asking myself
Why she would do this to herself
There are ways
That she could think better
And have more focus
But she denies them
As if she doesn't need them
How can one person compensate
For their own weaknesses
And also those of the other person
When the other person
Won't really step up
Even enough to recognize
The needs of the one they love
For what they are
When someone acts as though
They are the VICTIM of their own love
Then what hope is there?
--
'Well, there's really no reason
Why it can't happen NOW"
I imagine her saying to him
Even though
He's so far below her
She won't think
He's trying to judge her
I wonder if she ever knew
That I'm really not all that different
On the inside
But I always strive
To rise above
The little Kody inside of me
And that makes all the difference
--
what if she's still not ready
even after an extended time?
Will it still be better
To be with her in that capacity
Than not at all?
I still need more time
To know for sure
But I think maybe it would
She changed a little
With the official title
Before that time
She wasn't afraid
If we still love each other
Why deny us each other?
--
Is this how I'm supposed
To overcome certain fears?
By seeing them come true
And living with it?
Maybe this experience
Was exactly what I needed
To see for myself
Whatever waits to be seen
--
So by now
The phone rings
I'm not thinking it's her
I know she's not going to call
I kinda wish she would
But I know the time apart is needed
--
her defensiveness
to my situation
indicates a problem
I got it from an unlikely source
But the truthfulness of it
Is hard to deny
She was looking for a way out
She wanted out
She didn't want it
The same way I did
After all this time
What am I to make of this?
What is SHE?
Only time will tell
--
Through all of this
My new little adventure
And my thoughts
About what happened and why
I can't escape the one thing
I still miss her
And I still want her
I miss her kiss
Like I can't explain
And holding her close to me
Nobody else is the same
I love my Megan
But is she mine?
Was she ever?
She almost was
But I was hers too
Why didn't she want me?
Or did she?
Who was the more blind?
Which of us should have seen?
Perhaps both
Or perhaps neither at all
--
She said to me once
"You're mine"
It was so cute
And I loved hearing it
She wanted me alone
And knew that I wanted her alone
What changed down the road?
Why would she feel
That she had to choose
Between me and a life outside?
Was it my approach
Or Kody's last stand?
Who will win?
Will Megan
Love?
I fucking hope so
Its so worth it
Will she make excuses
And say how it "didn't" work?
Or will she see
Just how close it was
And that THIS is our big test?
The results will determine everything
--
The excuses
I mentioned before
That people will come up with
To explain why they can't love
Are truly astounding
She never resented me
For the Tony thing
Until I mentioned the idea
I never thought
She truly shouldn't hang with him
I deliberately opened on that one
For her
She needed her friend
"Now you're going back on that?"
No, I never did
The whole "clubbing" bit
Was just a joke?
Or was it somehow
Her Kody inside
Setting up a trap
That didn't work then
But surely did the next time?
--
It's so strange
How it all seemed
To be my fault
At first
Yes, she needed the space
To do it on her own
Yes, she needed to know
That I could do that
But I WAS doing it
It only came to a head
When her defensiveness
Took over
Because it was just
The wrong time for her
It set mine off
I'd like it to have been different
But I know
Why it had to be this way
It's too bad I know
That we still have so much
Potential together
--
Two weeks down
Two to go?
Or should I extend it?
Maybe just one more
I'll probably send the card
It won't be too much
Unless she uses it as such
TO get out of our reconnection
But the thing is
I've been waiting on her
Until one month from the day
No, I need to know
That I can wait on ME
That I'll call when I'm ready
And not when the time comes
That she simply
Agreed to "allow" it
BE YOUR OWN PERSON!
'CUZ THIS IS A TEST!
--
It's been so fucking crazy
My life these past couple weeks
"I want to be completely
Transparent to her"
I wrote on here a while back
It was about that time
That my inner shit
Started to become
HER problem
And it started pushing her
Too hard
But it still comes back to her
Through everything
The love
And everything else
Was real
Can real love
Really be defeated
By stupid fears
So easily?
Can the pains of the past
Really make something
So great
Impossible?
I won't let myself believe that
I won't give up on love
--
12-30-2006